Trusting in him.

I am just amazed by God and what he's been teaching me lately. I tell you, this cancer has been more of a blessing then anything. I can't even believe I wrote that. I really can't. The thing I feared since I lost my mom to it at age 11, I feel blessed to have gotten it. Sounds absurd doesn't it?

Whatever day that was that my doctor called me and told me about this spot on my liver, I think it was Monday? I thought, oh great, I now have an entire week to worry myself and think about yet another thing they could find on my PET scan on Monday. But just the opposite has happened this week. God has given me peace, and is growing me in my faith in him.  I have hardly worried at all this week. I have not searched the Internet on liver spots, I have not even looked at the radiologist report that I have to take with me to mayo. I have done what his word told me to do, keep my eyes on him. Every single day this week he has given me something, either in his word, (the bible) , my daily calender, or my books, he's given me something every single day about not worrying. It's simply amazing! God is so near, so close, it's like he's standing right here rubbing my back like my husband does saying, no fear babe, I'm right here.  I know how much God loves me. I also know that he loves Kevin and my kids as much as he loves me, and more then I love them. Hard to wrap my brain around that, that he loves my kids more then I do. But he does. So whatever God has

 for me, it's out of love.  Obviously I still pray and ask for prayer that the spot on the liver is nothing, and my regular scan on my head and neck is clean. Yes I sure do want to be cancer free and live and see my kids grow up and be a grandma and grow old with Kevin, you bet I do. I want to mark off on my calender, 9 months, Cancer FREE! Whoo hooo. That's my plan when I get home next Tuesday. I pray that's God's plan too. But if it isn't, I trust him.  He has shown me this week how involved he is, how close he is, the stuff I read is no coincidence, it's all him!

Yesterday my daily calender said, " Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you." Right out of the bible. 1 Peter 5:7.

Today, my devotion book said this~ "REFUSE TO WORRY! In this world there will always be something enticing you to worry. The best defense is continual communication with Me, richly seasoned with Thanksgiving. Awareness of my presence fills your mind with light and peace, leaving no room for fear. This awareness lifts you up above your circumstances, enabling you to see problems from My perspective. Live close to Me! Together we can keep the wolves of worry at bay." 

Coincidence? No way.

How about opening my bible this morning to Luke 12, and seeing something I already highlighted in the past in my commentary, that says, " Jesus commands us not to worry" Comes from Like 12:22. and it says, Overcoming worry requires ~ Simple trust in God, your heavenly father.   Ok, Abba thank you for speaking to me, every single day this week about fear! 

One more thing I must share. This week I was at Walmart with the kids, we were walking past the book section, and I picked up this Joyce Meyers book that I had looked at before, called Power Thoughts. I looked at it and thought, " I should buy this", but then though, Nah, I'll just read the books I have! I put it back.

Yesterday, I was looking in a cabinet that I don't open everyday, and what is there? The Joyce Meyers book! lol.  Obviously I had bought it in the past, tucked it away and forgot I bought it! How funny is that! So while eating my breakfast this morning I opened it up to Power thought number three~ I will not live in fear. :)

Hello Jesus.  :)

She says, there are more types of fear then we can name or count, but they all have the same source and purpose,, they are ALL from the enemy and they are intended to steal the life Jesus died to give us! Stupid Satan!

She says, it's the devils tool to keep us miserable and out of the will of God.

This makes so much sense to me, there's so much truth in it! This week could have been and still could be absolutely miserable for me, I know this because I've done it in the past! I could have spent this entire week sick about what the results could show next Monday, dwelling on it all day long. I would not have enjoyed my kids this week, or enjoyed going out to dinner for Gracie's birthday, and I probably wouldn't enjoy the weekend either. But Thanks be to God, he has given me faith, and trust in him. He has showed me how to hand it over to him and not fear. Thank you God.

So having had cancer in the past, has taught me so many things. How to really appreciate being alive, every single day. How to really love and care for people, (no I'm not perfect, but much better!) He's taught me how every little thing is a gift from him, and how to trust him and have faith in him, how close he is to me, and how involved he is in my life.  My most dreaded fear come true has been a blessing in disguise. Gives me the goose bumps just writing that.

I have more this week, things he's given me about eating and being obedient too, but I don't think Gracie is going to give me anymore time to write about that, but for my bible study girls, I will be sure to try and get back on here and do that later.

To a fear free, trusting in him day. 

Are you thankful?

Piles of laundry, dishwasher full of clean dishes, counter full of dirty dishes, little girl just wet her pants, she's on her third set of clothes today, messy house, school work to do yet........these are things that I would usually sigh over, maybe even complain over. Not today. Today, I am being thankful for all of it. Thankful for the dishwasher that washes my dishes, and for my dad that usually unloads it on Mon, wed, and Fridays. :)  Thankful for the little girl who peed in her pants cause her jeans were too tight, the little girl who will be four years old tomorrow. Thankful for those piles of dirty laundry because it means I have family to wear those clothes, thankful for school yet to be done, because it means, my kids are home with me all day and enjoyed their day playing with each other.

I have a spot in my kitchen, where I sit on a sun room chair, in the afternoon, and the sun beats right down on me. Even in the middle of winter, that spot feels like summer. I could pretend I was on a beach if I closed my eyes, or at least pretend it's warm outside. :)  This afternoon I sat there, in the warmth, with my book, and just thanked God for all the small things. For that sunshine keeping me warm, for my kids talking in the background, for the glistening ice on my back patio. For breath. For life.

On most days  I would say that cancer sucks. Cause, well, it does. But having the reality that our days are numbered can really make you appreciate life. I mean, really appreciate life and all the small things.

I remember after I had the surgery, and I couldn't swallow, not even my own saliva. I had to use a suction machine for almost 2 months because I couldn't swallow. Now, when I swallow, I thank God.  I couldn't eat. Now, when I eat, I thank God I can eat. I couldn't talk. I had to write everything on paper. Now, I thank God I can speak.  I am even thankful of the interruption I just had to wipe someones butt, because last summer, someone else had to go do that for me.  God gives us so many gifts in a day that we don't even take time to see them, and absorb them, and be thankful for them. 

I'm notorious for getting stressed out over a messy house and having to clean it. My husband on the other hand, well, he could care less what the house looks like. This always irritated me. Why doesn't he care? While I was mumbling about my house being a mess, he is playing with my kids.  Why do I stress over a messy house? It's just a house. What if tomorrow I am not here? Or one of my kids or husband is not here?  Shouldn't I spend my time thinking of how I can make more memories with my family and friends then if my floors are sticky and there's food in my couches?

I think we need to take more time out of our days to look for things that we can be thankful for. I could complain all day long about this thing or that thing, I can complain about my husband laying on the couch, or I could be happy that I have a husband laying on the couch, right? It's all our perspective.  

I would love for everyone to feel what I feel right now. I wish I had the perfect words to make people understand that you dont' know how long you'll be here, so make your time here worth it. Be thankful for small things. Be thankful for your health. If you love people, tell them. Hug them, kiss them. If they are far away, call them. Email them. What if they are not here tomorrow? 

I am feeling very thankful today.  It's easy to look for all the bad things in life, and complain about them. Start looking for the good things, for the blessings, even as small as wiping a butt! Thank you God that I have a little girls butt to wipe, and that I am able to get up and wipe it for her. ;P

What are you thankful for today?

Peace

God has provided me with some time this morning to read my bible and blog. Lately my kids have been getting up at the crack of dawn and not giving me much quiet time, so this is a blessing, and one I really needed too!

I like how I say that I want to blog more in one post, and God gives me reason to blog. I love how when I'm struggling going through a bible study with eating and I ask God to give me more love for him, to soften my heart so I care more about what I am eating, bbecause if I love God like I say I do, I want to obey him, and I want to love HIM more then food,  so he gives me reasons to love him more. God is so faithful.

Last week I had a cat scan of my abdomen done because my bilirubin levels were elevated, yesterday the doctor called, and said that there is a spot on my liver that they don't know what it is. He said the radiologist suggests a PET scan on it. Well, what do you know, I am having a PET scan next Monday at Mayo for my follow up. So I guess while they are looking at my head and neck, they can look at my liver too.  When my doctor told me that, my heart sunk. Fear set in. Worry set in. Unbelief set in.  I sent out my prayer requests to friends and family.

This morning, when I got up, I grabbed my bible and books and went to the couch. Usually I would check my mail first, but not today.

I prayed and ask God to speak to me about this. Again, he is faithful.  I literally stuck my fingers in my bible and picked a page. Ended up in Hebrews 3.  I won't give it to you verse by verse, but tell you what I got out of it.

~ Fix your thoughts on Jesus.

~ Warning on unbelief- See to it brothers, that none of you has a sinful unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.

~ We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

~ God's rest means peace  with God NOW because of our relationship with Christ through faith.

~ By rejecting God's provision (Christ) and not enduring in our faith, we miss the opportunity for spiritual rest.

My pastor Tommy has been doing a sermon series called the The belief project. He's has said every week now, " What we believe fully effects how we live our life"  Am I living what I believe if I worry about this? No. Because I believe that God is in charge of my life, and I believe that God loves me, and will only allow what is for my good and for his glory. That is what I believe, so why would I worry? God loves me and is in charge. So I need to act on that belief, live it, breathe it, and have peace. He's given me the gift of peace, am I going to take it? Or sit here for the next 6 days and worry? How silly would that be.

It's so obvious that God is near, and that people were praying for me last night, because this morning I have a completely different frame of mind then I did when I went to bed.

After reading my bible this morning I read a different devotional book I have called Jesus Calling, this book is written like it's Jesus talking to you. Open to March 1st, what does it say? (You should love this one, I sure did! God speaks again!)

March 1st-

WHEN SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE OR THOUGHTS makes you anxious, come to ME and talk about it. Bring me your prayer and petition with Thanksgiving saying " Thank you Jesus, for this opportunity to TRUST you more." Though the lessons of trust that I send to you come wrapped in difficulties, the benefits far outweigh the cost.

Well developed trust will bring you many blessings, not the least of which is my peace. I have promised to keep you in perfect peace to the extent that you trust in me.

The world has it backwards, teaching that peace is the result of having enough money, possessions, insurance, and security systems.MY peace however, is such an all encompassing gift that it is independent of all circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain My peace you are rich indeed. 

Ahhhh............ 

there it is friends. If I trust in him, I will have peace. Am I going to live and act on what I believe? I am sure going to try!!

That is my request for prayer this week, pray that I live out what I believe. That I have peace like a river, that I trust in God with my life and with my family, and of course, for a cancer free scan next Monday.

Have a peace filled day my sweet friends. God is in control.  xo

Made to Cave

Made to cave, crave, That's the bible study I somehow got sucked into. No, I didn't get sucked into it, it's all part of God's plan.  A few of us girls had been doing some bible studies by a sweet godly women named Lysa Terkeurst. We really enjoy her studies. One of my freinds suggested that the next book we do be Made to Crave, I willingly said, "Sure!". What was I thinking?  We put the word out that we were going to be starting this study at MY  house on Monday nights. We got responses from other girls who wanted to join. The first night I think we had 12 ladies here, which is wonderful. More people to study God's word with and grow with, fabulous! Until I started reading the book. lol.  Food has always been a struggle for me. I have forever used food for everything and anything, sadness, happiness, stress, boredom, freedom, joy, the list goes on. Food is definitley a joy and a comfort for me. I've been down this road so many times I can't  even count! I've done studies with other ladies on eating, i've done every diet there is. I've lost weight and gained it back so many times I couldn't tell you!

As most of you know that read my blog, you know I just lost 50 pounds thanks to cancer. That was one benefit of cancer and not being able to swallow for a few months. (Not a weight loss plan i'd recommend!) I got the weight off. Problem is, I still have an eating problem and that weight is going to come back as fast as it went off if I don't do something about it. But I don't want to!  Today, Grace wanted a second peanut butter cup. She was stomping her feet and saying, " I want another peanut butter cup! Get me another peanut butter cup!!" I just looked at her and thought, that is probably what I look like to God, crossing my arms and stomping my feet saying I want what I want when I want it! He's probably laughing at me the way I laughed at Grace thinking how pathetic is she getting so upset over a peice of candy?? Then I think about myself.   I am the same way as Gracie!  Five min later she had gotten herself up on a stool and got herself a granola bar, she brought it to me all proud of herself and said, "look what I got!" I snatched it right out of her hand and said, "No honey, you just had a peanut butter cup, you don't need this, maybe after dinner", then I thought about how I was just reading in the book today that we are to find ourselves an accountability partner, someone that we can call when we want to eat, someone that will gently lead us in the right direction and keep us on track on our eating plan. When I grabbed that granola bar out of her hand I thought, that is what I need, I need someone to come grab the cookies out of my hand when I'm standing there saying, look what I got! I need more then an accountability partner I need the food police at my house! I need someone to move in and snatch things out of my hand when I want to eat them. How sad is that?  There's no getting out of this, and I'm not happy about it. It's right about girl scout cookie delivery time and God is saying, guess what? Your going to start watching what you eat.

The sad thing to me is that, my heart is in the wrong place. I shouldn't be getting my comfort and joy from food. I should be getting it from God. That is what made to Crave is all about, Craving God instead of food. I need some serious prayers in this department people. I thought God had taken care of this problem with the cancer. It scared my pants off.  I remember praying one day in the shower, God please help me get this weight off and to never be a glutton again. Well, he took care of the weight alright! And after getting cancer and going through what I went through, I read books on cancer and nutrition and was doing real good eating good and not having sugar, and basically obsessing about what I and everyone around me ate. But something happened, I'm not sure exactly what. I think it was that I was so worried and being so obsessed, that I decided to give the control to God. That no matter what I eat, I'm going to die when God wants me to die. Period. I went off the deep end the other way. I still beleive im going to die when he wants me to die, but I also think I need to be responsible here and take care of this body of mine. I do think God wants me to enjoy food, and have a cookie here and there, but I think he wants me to have things with moderation and think before I eat, and go to him when i'm sad or bored or stressed or happy.  I am praying about who my accountability partner should be. I have a sweet freind who offered, but I actually don't want to put that responsibility on her. If your reading this, please pray for me. Pray for a changed heart, that food wouldn't be an idol in my life, that only God would take that place in my heart. Pray for the person who is going to be my accountability partner. :)  Maybe if I put this on my blog i'll have MANY accountability partners? I can only imagine what God's plan is with this study.

 I sure do miss this blog. There's been so many things I've been thinking about writing but never get around to it. I must make more of a point to get on here.