About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lay my life down.

And I find peace, I find peace.....

And my soul sings.....

I'll post all the words to the song at the bottom, right above where you can listen to the beautiful song.

I am feeling peace today.

This morning I felt my soul singing as God finally gave me the wisdom I've been seeking.
I know I've expressed on my blog before about God answering prayers or speaking to me, but I love to share it because he is so real and so involved in our puny lives if we look for him.

So the last month or so God's been doing some serious chiseling away, and frankly, I didn't like it very much.

I've been on antidepressants for about 20 years for anxiety,  I God decided about 4 or so months ago that it was time for me to be off of the meds.
It was a slow weaning process with lots of headaches and dizziness and just plain stinky. I survived, and thankfully my family survived it too.
I think I am over all the withdrawal symptoms now, whew.
Unfortunately, after with drawls were over, something even more ugly came from not taking the meds. It was, the real Me, my "inner self", my  heart............my ugly, broken, selfish, heart.
This is not a person that I wanted to meet, and I'm pretty sure my husband and kids didn't either. Not to say that I was never crabby before, but this was different.

The bouts of anxiety I have are nothing compared to the crabby girl I became.
My patience was thin, My tolerance of pretty much anything was real low,  everything made me crabby, or yell, or pout, or cry.
Sounds like a simple solution of get back on the meds right? I thought, " If I have all these symptoms, I must need the medicine."

Thankfully, I have a mom, who is strong in her faith, someone who's been through anxiety/panic/depression before, who had the guts to say to me, " You don't need them". 
Of course I thought , who is she? Is she crazy? What does she know?

Then I picked up a book,  Will Medicine Stop the Pain?: Finding God's Healing for Depression, Anxiety, and Other Troubling Emotionsand in this book, she explained that our anxiety and or depression is not always from a chemical imbalance, that sometimes, it's from..............our heart.
That we need to look at what is going on in our hearts, (meaning sin) and take care of it and the problems will fade away.

So, I began on a journey, one that I really didn't want to be on. lol.
My crabbiness really didn't get any better. Most days I'd be crabby about 10 min after someone would interfere with my quiet time.

I finally started wondering, really, what is my problem anyway? I mean, I am a Christian. I have been for about eight years, so if I'm a Christian women then why don't I have the fruit of the spirit to prove it?

I searched scriptures every morning. I seriously killed my brain reading books, bibles, commentaries, even asked sisters in Christ what the deal was.  I came up with nothing. Nothing!
Talk about frustrating.

My pastor did two sermons, in the last few weeks about sin. ( Of course, just another coincidence).
The first one, which was the 4th of Sept he talked about ~Christ living in us........

We are to live in accordance............

Because of Jesus that we can live a holy life...........

Was I reflecting Christ?

Sinfulness is ALWAYS about selfishness............

He talked about the tongue, and how if you can bring destruction with your words~ fear for your soul.........

A heart turned toward God gives Grace........

Let go of selfishness...........

Gospel says to die to self..............

If we live selfishly, we are betraying the gospel of Christ............

Of course during this sermon, I was not feeling well. At all. I almost felt the need to get up and get out of there. (This sickness started before the sermon so I'm quite sure it was the evil one trying to keep me from hearing what I needed to hear)

So, of course, now I'm MORE frustrated that he was talking to ME. Everything he said was true, and it was all me.  It was one of those sermons where your sitting there thinking, "what does Tommy know about my heart and did he write this sermon especially for ME?"

So back to more bible reading.........book reading, searching for answers, praying............asking friends..........Nothing.

Nothing.................really God?

Then a week's break of a sermon with a guest pastor talking about God and how much he loves us and how we can look at him like our "daddy", good heart warming sermon.

Still crabby..............still frustrated..............still searching for answers to why I don't have the fruit.

I google "sin" and I find great info on how to kill it. I print it all. Make a Sin binder........I'm feelin a bit better.......I'm going to figure this all out.......

What in the world is God doing???

This weeks sermon~

Doctrine and Living.

Again, speaking right to me. 

You can know the doctrine.
 You can read the bible and know the verses.
 You can call yourself a Christ follower.

Examine ourselves..............
live wisely, not foolishly...........

We have an "idea" of ourselves, but that is not REALLY who we are inside....

Look carefully how you walk...........

Don't be foolish but understand what the will of God is.

To find God's will~ Kill mine.
Lay down what I want.
Until we yield ours, we can't find his.

Take all my wants and desires and lay them down..............................

His will is perfect for us.

Tommy said, " It scares us because we have not grasped the truth that God the father wants more for us then we do".

So I walk out of church, go home and be crabby. Why? Because I don't get it. Because I'm frustrated.
When I look at myself, when I examine the Amy within, I am not laying down my will.

 I don't know how, or what that means...

I do all these wrong things, my heart is ugly. Am I even saved??!

So last night, I email my pastor out of frustration. My poor friend Tommy............I just let it all out. All my frustrations and questions.............why didn't anyone have any answers for me and was he planning on explaining the "how to's" next weeks sermon? lol

 (Which by the way is our "friends day" for people to come check out our church, so please come! Unless, you don't like convicting sermons, then you may want to stay home. lol)

So, last night, I pull out a book, (that a frind from church gave me over a year ago and I never read it) out of my kitchen hutch (where I stash important things that I am not using), and I open it up and start reading it. It's about Agape love.
I start reading about this women and how she was so moody and crabby and her thoughts controlled her, and..........Is this book about me?
The random page I'm reading leads me to Chapter 14, Which is "Eight steps to survival".  It's eight steps to surviving, from......................Sin............
I decided since this is not my book and I shouldn't write and highlight in it to make copies of the entire chapter. So I did that last night.
Then this morning I began reading it............
and the fog cleared..............

Finally! Praise Jesus, God finally broke through the steel trap and I understand!!!!!!

The reason that I did not have God's fruit was because I was not laying down my will! I was not laying my life down for him.
Boy, do I feel like an idiot.

All these years, thinking I am living for Christ, and I was living for ME! I thought I was following him, but really, I was following no one but my own selfish stupid will!
I can't help but throw my hands up and say, Why? Why didn't anyone explain this to me years ago? OR........

 Why was I so blind to this but yet thought I loved God?

Laying down your life/will for God is not about morning devotions. It's not about going to church on Sundays, it's not about doing bible studies, It's not about ANY of that!
(These ARE good things, that we should be doing, they do help you grow, but they are not what brings forth the fruit)

It's about giving up EVERYTHING you want, for EVERYTHING HE WANTS. It's about letting your dreams, your plans, your wants.........your comfort..............DIE.

Like he did.........On the cross..........for you and I.

What does that look like?

Being a living sacrifice for God.  Basically instead of killing an animal as a sin sacrifice like they did in the old testament, you are IT, but you are alive. lol. You sacrifice yourself, your life, while your living.

We Deny ourselves~ denying our "justified" feelings, our rights, our frustrations, our offenses, and our hurts.
We set aside our our own thoughts, emotions and desires.  We deny ourselves, our will, and live God's will.

We cannot be God's disciples unless we are willing to lay everything down.  We don't have to "feel" like it, but we are willing.

When we are mad, or upset and want to blow up at someone, or ignore them, or stonewall them, or pay them back for their wrongs, we need to ask ourselves~

"Am I really more concerned with doing God's will in my life then I am my own happiness?"

What would Jesus do in this situation?

We have to be WILLING to to obey God's will, no matter what he tells us to do, no matter how we feel, no matter what we think, no matter what we want. We are to get up and be willing to do exactly what God has asked us to do. (THEN we start to look like Christ!)

God is asking us to set aside our own emotional responses and choose to act totally out of faith.

We have to TRUST God that when we follow HIS will, he will fill us with his peace and strength, and FRUIT. If we trust him, give it to him, and let him flow through us, not let our emotions flow through us, but HIM, He shines. Jesus shows through in us. His light shines.

That if we let HIM live through us, we will produce the fruit.  Can I get a big AMEN here sisters??

This is how Christians shine Jesus light, this is how we become more like him, we allow him to live through us, by laying down our will.

This is how marriages are saved.......

This is how others come to Christ..........

Now, I'm sure not saying this is going to be an easy task for me, I know very well it's not. So if you just read this, please lift me up in prayer! Daily! :)

But I feel a relief that my eyes have finally been opened to really understand what It means to lay my life and my will down, and do God's will. To carry my cross, to die to self..............
to be SECOND.
Second to God and second to everyone else..........

The song. At your feet, by Casting Crowns. We've been listening to this song at bible study for weeks, sure, I love the song and enjoyed worshipping him with it, but now, this song has so much more meaning to me.
I lay my life down.......at HIS feet.

At Your Feet lyrics

Here at Your feet I lay my past down

My wanderings, all my mistakes down

And I am free

Here at Your feet I lay this day down

Not in my strength but in Yours I've found

All I need, You're all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

Oh, to dwell and never leave

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

There is nowhere else for me

There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet I lay my future down

All of my dreams I give to You now

And I find peace, I find peace

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

Oh, to dwell and never leave

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

There is nowhere else for me

There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet I lay my life down

For You my King, You're all I want now

And my soul sings

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

Oh, to dwell and never leave

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

There is nowhere else for me

There is nowhere else for me

'Cause I am free here at Your feet

All I need is at Your feet

And I find peace, we're at Your feet

We're at Your feet

I am free here at Your feet

All I need is at Your feet

I find peace, we're at Your feet

We're at Your feet, we're at Your feet

We're at Your feet

Here at Your feet I lay my life down

1 comment:

Heaven said...

Amy, this is beautiful! It sounds like God is doing so much in your life and awakening you to so many things He wants you to see. Praying you will continue to remain in His peace and in His arms!

Hugs! Heaven