About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

He is strong in my weakness

In my last post I wrote that I still might be a "little" worried the day of my PET scan. I was so weak! Yesterday ranked up there with one of the worst days Kevin and I have had.
We got into Minnesota on Monday night,  probably around 10. We had a good drive up there, we had good conversations and time went by pretty quickly. At the hotel, I was washing my face and neck, and the dreaded happened, I found a new lump on the side of my neck. My heart sunk. My faith became so weak. I was scared. I was doing so good in believing that I was healed for the past week or so, not having any fears about the upcoming scan, but that lump, boy the lump did me in. All the thoughts were flooding my head, I couldn't think of anything but the stupid lump I had just found. I couldn't focus on Kevin, or sleep.
I got out of bed, and I pulled out a little envelope that Autumn gave me to open in Minnesota. It was a purple piece of construction paper, and she had made a rainbow on it with a flower in the middle, and a sunshine. The top says " I love you mom".  As soon as I opened it, I cried. My emotions were just flooded with "what ifs" that night.  I have had people comment on my faith, or how they think I am strong in my faith, well, let me tell you, I am weak! I am human. I should post that song on K-love to go along with this, I can't think of the name if it but she sings, " We're human". Anyway,  I looked at that purple piece of paper with the rainbow on it, and thought about the meaning of the rainbow. God's promise to never flood the earth. So that made me think, I need to find his other promises and right them on the back.
I got out  my little bible I had brought along and found some verses, I will share some of what I put on there, but not all, there's too many!

~ Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. Isaiah 40:31
( I was needing some serious renewal of strength and hope and faith in my Lord!)

~ He has chosen me. Isaiah 41:9

~ Do not fear, I am with you
I am your God
I will help you
I will uphold you
Isaiah 41:10

~ Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord.
No worries.
Jeremiah 16:7-8

~For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  
Jeremiah 29:11-12

~He will protect me for acknowledging his name.  Psalm 91:14

~ Call to me and I will answer. Jeremiah 33:3

~ Do not worry.  Matthew 6:25

~ Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be  yours. 
Mark 11:24 

( I used this one a lot yesterday during the day)

~God works for the good of those who love him.  Romans 8:28

~ Do not be anxious about anything! Bring requests to God.
Think of what is TRUE, and right and praiseworthy.
(my wording)
Phillipians 4:6-8

~ He cares about me.

2 Peter 5:7

He has commanded me to be strong, not be terrified or discouraged. He IS with me. Joshua 1:9

Well, I was terrified alright!
I had the PET scan about 8:30. They inject you with the radioactive sugar solution, then they turn out the lights and you sit there for an hour. They don't want you reading or listening to music, or playing with a phone, nothing. Just sit. But don't sleep.  It's a good time to sit and let the devil throw all kinds of thoughts at you and try to fight back with God's word. Not a fun time.
I had the scan done then, and was done by I think 10:15. Now the waiting game begins. My apt to see the doc wasn't until 4pm.  Believe me, I tried twice to see if I could get in sooner, but no luck.
We spent some time back at the hotel room, and tried to walk around and look at some shops, but I was in such a funk it wasn't even fun, and if you know me, you know I love shopping! I just couldn't think of anything but what I was going to find out at 4pm. 
I was so scared. At 3pm we just went up and checked in, and sat in the waiting room, hoping they'd call me early. They didn't.  Time moved the slowest I ever remember. tick, tock, tick tock. It was like torture!
My mind was racing with thoughts of what they were going to tell me. I can't even explain how hard this was on Kevin and I.
About 15 min before we were called in I felt weak. My knees even hurt. I don't have knee problems.  I was praying and praying, talking to my God about how I was feeling, and then kept on repeating, I am believing that I am healed. God doesn't lie. He said he wouldn't make a fool of me. I'm healed. I'm healed. I'm healed. God help me believe I am healed. I'm weak.  I'm healed. I asked in prayer for healing, my girlfriends asked in prayer for healing, we believed you answered. I'm healed. I'm healed. Finally the pager went off. Here we go. Kevin had a bad headache, he was nervous, I was a wreck. let's get it over with.
Of course Eli, the PA, was friendly as usual and nonchalant when we got in there. Asking how we are, just being casual, all I could think was "What was on my scan??!!"  Finally he said, two lymph nodes lit up on the PET scan. Oh great. But then he said, nothing else did. OK, that's a good sign right?  So my tongue didn't light up, nothing in my throat, tonsils area, nothing. Not my ear, my sinus, my lungs, ( all the things I was thinking it could be) Nothing. Thank you Jesus. So what about these two lymph nodes?
He said there was one on each side of my neck, they are about the same size and same shape. He wasn't sure.
So, he did the usual exam. Scope up nose and down throat with camera. ( we can see this on a TV as he's doing it) He showed me everything, said it all looked Perfect. Good news.
Then he did a real good feeling of my neck for lumps. He found the same lump I did on the right side.
He then said, he would go get Dr. Moore and bring him him. Dr. Moore came in, looked over the pictures on the TV from the scope, and Eli had already updated him on everything else. He did another exam on my neck feeling everywhere really good. He got his fingers around that one lump on the right and looked at Eli and they must have had some kind of telepathic thing going on, but Eli knew what that meant so he told the nurse to go get the needles. They wanted to biopsy the lymph node. Dr. Moore explained that he doesn't think that the lymph nodes are cancer. By the shape and the feel of them. BUT he wants a biopsy for confirmation. Good I'm glad. Do it! I remember the first time I had an appointment for a fine needle biopsy in my neck, I was scared out of my mind! This time, I was like, go for it, stick the needles in  my neck! lol. I trust Dr. Moore a lot, and I really don't want to have to go home not knowing what these lymph nodes are from. So he did it. He took 3 needle samples from the node. It wasn't all that bad. Kevin's hand might be black and blue today though. lol.
So he said, he'd call me in the morning. Oh good. More waiting. He said if it's not cancerous, I come back in 3 months for another PET scan and exam. If it IS cancerous, then I have to come back up for a ct scan, and  talk to the radiation oncologist and they will be doing radiation on my neck. (ugh)
We got to the car, and I went to close my car door, and couldn't lift up my right arm! What a weird feeling that was. So I got on the cell phone to make sure this was a "normal" thing.  Dr. Moore said it was, it will go away. OK, good.
I was feeling much better at this point then I did all day long. My faith was returning. See, I'm weak.  I was so weak all day long in my faith, but when I got that little glimmer of hope, when nothing was on the scan but those two lymph nodes, I started believing God for that healing again. Stupid human I am. He told me in his word not to worry, but I was worry my little pants off.
He renewed my faith again. I don't know if the nodes are cancerous. I will know sometime today. This morning I hope. But I am still believing God that I am healed. That he healed me before. That I've been healed all along, through all this worry.  I don't believe God is going to let those nodes be cancer. I believe he's answered the prayers of mine, my girlfriends, my dad, my son, my husband. He already answered them. 
I will post today sometime when I get the results.
There's a song I wanted to post.

Click here.

God my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs you now.
I will lift my eyes, to the maker, the creator, the healer.  :)

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