About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Living beyond convenience?

This is a post I don't want to write. But God is really pushing me this morning to blog about this. I have been telling myself I'm too tired to focus this morning, too tired to write in my blog, but the spirit is pushing me.
I am also going to be exposing myself in this post, as a "not so good" christian, and that is also not an easy thing to do. I'd rather just go drink my cup of tea and think about the sinful things that other people are doing, things that bother me, like why do people think it's OK to live together without being married? why do people think it's OK to leave their marriages for someone else? I get so worked up over these sort of things that my mind can't stop thinking about them, but when it comes to my own sin, well, I'd like to just ignore it.
God has been convicting me of my "spending sin" for a good week now. Everything that I read, or hear convicts me about my spending. I hate that.  This is  not a new bad habit that I just picked up, I have always been terrible with money. But lately there has been no self discipline with my spending and it's just getting to a point where even I can say it's ridiculous.
Sunday during Pastor Tommy's sermon he was reading from 1 Timothy 3 and it was referring to the husband, and saying that the husband must be of one wife, temperate, self controlled, able to teach, not violent but gentle, not a lover of money. He must know how to manage his own family well. This is the part where I started thinking, hmmm, my husband is supposed to manage is own family well, how can my husband manage is own family when his wife is not helping him do that? I was convicted right then at church, that my spending is not being helpful to my husband, he can't manage his family without me helping him do that. I am his helper. What am I doing? God was talking to me at church that morning. It didn't end there.
It got me thinking more and more, " I  need to be a better wife, a better keeper of God's money, I need to help my husband "manage", I need to stop spending and start being more self disciplined. But Monday , my thought was, OK, I better buy what I need before I talk to Kevin about this. (that is more wrong thinking!) So that day, I know I bought a few more things that I "need". Then Tuesday we had community group for church at our house, and we discussed the sermon from Sunday. Funny thing, we didn't talk about the husbands or how they need to manage things. What we talked about was how we are to "fight the good fight" and what that means to us as Christians. What someone said was how we are in a constant battle between our flesh and our spirit, trying to do what the spirit tells us to do, but we fail and do what our flesh wants. Conviction hits again. I've been doing what my flesh wants. Spending money that I shouldn't, on things that I think I "need". I should be fighting the good fight here, fighting my flesh, through Jesus of course, because he lives in me, I should be able to conquer the flesh and tell myself, no!
So once again, Tues night, God was speaking to me about the spending.
So Wed, It's on my mind more and more, The spirit is telling me, "no more spending" be your husbands helper". My flesh is saying, get the last few things you "need" before you turn over your credit card. So because I have lost weight from the cancer, I need clothes that fit me. Right? So I better get those before I stop spending. ugh.  
Kevin and I have his 20 yr high school reunion coming up next weekend and I've been thinking about this and what I am going to wear for it. Even though I know none of these people, and I shouldn't care what they think of me because I will probably never see them again in my life, I for some reason do care, and was thinking, what can I wear that will impress them? What will make my husband look good? What can I buy for both of us that will make us look good and impress others? (and I did buy Kevin a few shirts last night just for this purpose!) 
This morning I went to do my morning reading, I'm in Mark, and I read this, "  We are not to love the praise of men", and it leads you to John 12:43 which says, " so they loved praise from men more than praise from God"    Ouch. So I'm worried about what these people think of me, and wanting to spend more money to look good, rather then worrying about impressing God, (the God that loves me so much, and cares about all the small details of my life, the God that healed me from cancer!) and listening to him, and living for him I am living for the praise of others. (what am I thinking??!)  That was convicting, once again.
There was also something in the commentary this morning that hit me. It was referring to God's laws, and it says, "let them rule your thoughts, decisions and actions. When you are uncertain about what to do, ask yourself which course of action best demonstrates love for God and love for others."  Am I demonstrating God's love to my husband by overspending? um, no. 
So what I need to do, is fight the good fight. I need to feed the spirit and starve the flesh to win this battle. I need to "fight the good fight" so to speak and not give in to my fleshy wants.
Right now, I just had a thought that my friend who doesn't know the Lord is going to read this and have thoughts that knowing Jesus and going to church is all about laws and rules and doing what God says. I don't want anyone to have that impression. God is so loving and forgiving and compassionate. He only gives us these guidelines to make our lives better and easier and happier, sometimes we just don't see it that way. By him giving me these reminders and convictions, hopefully my actions will change, and my marriage will be better because of it. I will be a better wife and helper to my husband by managing our money better.  I don't want to be someone who just "says" she loves God and follows Jesus, but I want to be someone who "lives" it.  The bible says that as Christians we should let our actions be consistent with our beliefs. Live for Christ even when no one is looking. That is what I want to do. On the outside it's pretty easy to "fake" being a follower of Christ, writing how much I love Jesus and doing bible study and going to church, but  what do my actions say about it? I want my actions to show Christ.
I love to be able to give to others, to help people in need, I want to be able to give to the church so the church can thrive and help others, I want my Pastor's family to be taken care. My family can't help or give if I am being selfish and spending more money then I should.
One other thing I read this morning, is that as believers, we should consider increasing our giving- whether of money, time, or talents, to a point BEYOND CONVENIENCE or calculation.  So instead of worrying about my own needs or wants, I should be worrying more about if my Pastor is getting a check this week, or my friend has food on her table this week, or if my sister in law has someone to keep her company this week. It's not all about me.  
This was not a fun post for me to write. I don't want to hit the publish post button, but I am going to, because I feel like God wants me to. Who knows why. Maybe it's all about me repenting and sharing it will make me want to follow through with it more, maybe someone had a wrong impression of me that God wanted to take care of, maybe someone else needed some conviction about spending, who knows. I'm just doing what God wants me to do. If you would, keep me in your prayers, that I would be less selfish, less self centered, a better helper to my husband, a better example for my kids, that I would listen to the spirit more then giving in to my flesh, and that God be glorified because of it. 

love you! 

No comments: