Letting God be God.

I heard this song while I was eating dinner and thought, that's it. That's the song that goes with my blog post that I have yet to post. lol.

Yesterday God reminded me who is in control. I needed that.

Sunday at church, I just wasn't "feelin it" when I was singing. I didn't feel the love and appreciation for my Lord and saviour that I wanted to feel, I just felt, well I guess, nothingness. I prayed during worship that God would help me to focus in on him, to not be distracted, to feel close to him again. Well, it didn't happen during worship, but that's OK. Everything is in God's timing.

The sermon was from 2 Timothy and Tommy was speaking on the spirit, that lives in us, and how God did not give us a spirit of fear. ( I should have known right then something was coming my way, lol) I was taking notes and thinking a lot about what he said and how much I worry myself about getting cancer again. Thinking to myself," that's right, God did not give us a spirit of fear, he doesn't want me to be worrying myself about things all day long." Then, the test comes.

I think it may have been Sunday or Monday that I felt a new little lump in my neck. I choose to brush it off and not worry about it. Tuesday morning was a different story. I decided to feel around again and see if it was still there. It was. Panic started to set in. All the "what ifs" came into my mind. I emailed a friend and asked her should I call the doc? She said, yes. She knew I'd probably drive myself nuts if I didn't get it checked out.

Since I found out I had cancer I started reading books, I think it started with the book Beating Cancer with nutrition, that book led to another and another and another. I started seeing a MD who is also a Integrative doc, and received IV treatments of vitamins and Immunoglobulins to beef up my immune system to fight the cancer. I have learned tons about our immune system and how we all have cancer cells, and how our immune systems can fight it off if it's functioning properly. So, after seeing that doctor, with his advice, I was put on many supplements. I also put myself on a few things just from things that I read. I also use Young Living oils to help with immunity and killing cancer cells, and a few other things. I started really changing my eating habits from how I ate before, because I learned that sugar feeds cancer, and that what we put in our bodies really does effect our health and our immunity. So basically I did a huge overhaul from the pre-cancer life.

I was being my own advocate and taking control of my health, doing things to help my immune system so that the cancer does not return.

Well, yesterday when the what ifs came, and I was feeling frustrated, and thinking how could it possibly be cancer with everything I am doing? I sent my Pastor an email, and my friend Mary (mom) an email and just explained my situation to them. How I was frustrated, where is the line? What do I call the doctor for and what don't I? Am I being paranoid? How many supplements do I take, how much money do we spend, Isn't it my job to take care of the temple, am I not trusting God, etc, etc......

Well, what my pastor said was ~ "Are you putting your hope in supplements or in Christ?" Conviction set in. I had thoughts of this before, but not to this extent.

Then I got the email from mom about 10 min later, her words were ~ " God is the keeper of the temple. We can't over ride that." More conviction.

At that moment, I cried. I also knew that I didn't need to go to the doctor for that new lump I found.

Kevin came home from work to go to the appointment with me and found me crying. I let him read the emails and he wanted to go to the appt anyway. So we went. The lump was nothing. He said it's probably always been there and I just never noticed it before, it's an old little thing probably from a previous infection. I just smiled inside.

On Sunday I asked God to bring me back to feeling close with him, to be able to feel love for him again. He answered that prayer and more.

He spoke through my Pastor and friend Mary, that I was not trusting in him. I was trying to take control of everything with the supplements and food and feeling my neck all the time. I was full of fear.

I could take 100 supplements a day and if God wants me to have cancer again, I'll have it. He is in control. I have a wooden sign right above my stove, which is right by all my supplements that says, "Be still and know that I am God" and I could look at that everyday while taking my supplements and think I am in control. Ha. I'm not in control. I was worrying myself, and for what? He is the sovereign God, not me.

Am I thinking that I should just go back to my old lifestyle and not care what I eat and not take care of my body and leave it all up to God? No, not exactly. I still think he wants me to be responsible for my temple, and feed it right and take some supplements to give my body what it lacks, but I don't have to have that weight on my shoulders that if I don't do it all and do it all right that the cancer is going to come back. I can relax a little bit because I am not God, he is. Thank God for that! This actually took a big weight off my shoulders. I just need to give it all to him. Trust him with my life. He already knows what is going to happen. As the song says, " He is God of all, he is everything". " I'm giving my life to the only son, who was and is and yet to come". That's freedom. Give it all to him.

I prayed, he answered, and so much more.