About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

God answered

Praise Jesus. I cried out to him for an answer and he gave it to me.  My guess is, he was trying to give it to me for awhile, but i wasn't hearing it. Seems my friend Mary heard it about a week before I did. Like I said before, sometimes I just need a billboard answer before I get it!
I posted about church the other day, I should have got it right then and there. But I didn't. I was still confused about what to do, all I knew was that he was near and I should trust him, not fear.
God obviously knew that I still wasn't getting it, so he had to send me one more sign to knock me upside the head. He must just laugh at me sometimes how long it takes to get through to me. But thankfully he is patient with me.
I prayed before Sunday that God would speak to me through someone at church, preferable my pastor, but I never asked my pastor for his opinion on if I should do radiation or not.
Tuesday morning I checked my email and had an email from my pastor. I would like to share the email because the email gave me my answer, right away as soon as I read it I started to cry. I knew it was God and I knew what he was telling me. People questioned when we were waiting for an answer from God saying, "how will you get an answer from God??" He has his ways. It can be through reading his word in the bible, through music, through emails, you never know. This time God chose to speak through my Pastor Tommy.  God is amazing. He knows just the right way to speak to us when we need it.
I asked my Pastor if I could share his email, and he is OK with it. So here it is ~


Just felt like I should contact you and give you my two cents. I have

refrained from giving you any advice or opinion on your radiation

treatment because I feel this needs to be your decision so take this

as advice and then do what you feel good about doing. As I have said

before after my parents' bouts with cancer (especially my dad's) over

the last 15 years and their dealing with doctors, treatments and

decisions I have formulated some opinions and I want to share with you

some that I think are relevant to your situation.

1. never accept a treatment that has permanent consequences unless

absolutely necessary. I watched several times this scenario play out,

both accepting treatment that probably didn't need to be done and

refusing treatment. Once a permanent treatment is administered it cant

be undone. In addition there is no telling what new treatment options

may be out there in the future but if you do something permanent,

well, it's permanent.

2. never have a treatment that is not absolutely necessary that may

limit your future treatment options. when discussing whether my dad

should receive radiation (even after the visible cancer was gone) one

of the definite risks was that if the cancer came back doing radiation

would make it more difficult to operate again. Now I am not sure if

surgery would be an option if the cancer came back in your case but if

it is you may limit or at least complicate future options.

3. if a reliable doctor gives you an "out" take it. doctors are prone

to have very healthy senses of self importance and they believe in

there treatments because they have spent their lives committed to what

they do, 9 times out of 10 they will want you to do what it is they

offer. if a doctor you trust tells you it's OK not to get a difficult,

or more important permanent treatment, jump at that one. It's all a

game of odds and if the doctor doesn't think it improves your odds

enough don't put yourself through it.

4. if a treatment, no matter how difficult, has temporary consequences

but improves your survival chances do it. if this radiation treatment

was going to be a difficult 8-12 weeks but when it was done it's done

than I would say do it but it sounds to me it will be a difficult 8-12

weeks and then have permanent consequences which would cause me to

refer you to points 1-3.

I am not trying to "weasel" my way into your decision making process,

like I said I wasn't going to say anything, but after talking to my mom

today I just felt like I was supposed to share this with you. Whatever

you decide I/we will be behind you 100% because the first rule in all

this is the patient needs to be comfortable with all treatment

decisions. It's your call. But I want you to know as I was preparing

my message for this Sunday I couldn't help but think about you and your

situation and I kept thinking you should not be seeking additional

treatment out of fear. If you are convinced that it is the path God

has for you then take it but otherwise trust him with your future and

know that He is near.

That's my 2 cents and I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries. If I have

I am sorry I sent this email truly thinking it was what God wanted me

to do, but I have made mistakes in the past :)

Our prayers and love are with your family always,

To God be the glory that he chose my pastor to speak to me.  See, God knows me. He knows who in my heart I trust that it's coming from him. There were a few other people that told me the same thing, but I didn't have peace about it. But when it came in this email, I just knew it was God speaking to me.  God is just so amazing, I am in awe.
Kevin and I are both at peace with the decision not to do radiation, and not look back. I trust God. If I would trust any one's answers to this decision, God would be the guy!
So we are going to move on with healing now. I will get checked every 2 or 3 months with a scope and a ct scan to watch for any signs of cancer returning. I pray, and hope you will pray too, that it never returns.  
I found out later yesterday that my pastor couldn't sleep that night. He sent that email at 2:30am. He said he knew it was the Lord telling him to send the email.  Wow.
If you could keep us in your prayers that would be wonderful. I still can't eat real food, so pray that comes soon, that I can enjoy eating again someday soon, and pray the cancer stays away, FOREVER.  I so want to be a grandma someday. But God knows the plan for my life, and I trust him.
Love you all. Give God praise today. Thank him for all the simple things in life. Thank him for being with us, for hearing us, for answering our prayers, for sending his son to die for us so we can have eternal life in heaven.  God deserves our praise and thankfulness. He is faithful. He loves us.

Monday, July 19, 2010

One more surgery? Why not!

Well church yesterday was good, I didn't get any specific answers as to yes or no to radiation, but I did write the same thing down three times during the sermon, but didn't notice I did that till we were home and I was reading what I wrote.

What I wrote was-

1.Trust him, that he is near, trust God's plan for my life.
2. He hears, trust him, do not fear, his plan brings peace.
3. Trust him he has my best at heart.

Do you think he wants me to trust him?  :)

The other thing I wrote was Don't live in grip of fear, cause he is near and has a plan.

Lots to make Kevin and I think.

Right now, my surgeon who did my surgery said he wouldn't do the radiation if it were him.
Fear in me says, what if?  What if it comes back and I didn't do everything I could have? That is fear that God is telling me not to have.

Yesterday after church, Jake asked me, so mom, did you get an answer? I said, No, did you? He said, "well, I think that maybe God is waiting till it's too late for you to have radiation to give you an answer."

Huh. Interesting thought, that I have actually had myself, and Kevin admited last night that he's had the same thought. hmmm.

On an even more fun note, I was told that if I was going to do radiation, I need to see a dentist, have my teeth cleaned and get fluoride treatments. and that if you need any dental work you need to get it done before radiation, because radiation can cause lots of problems in your mouth, and if you got a tooth pulled after radiation, it might not heal.

I made an apt for a cleaning for this coming Thurs. Just in case I decide to do radiation.

But the last few days, I've been having some pain in my mouth, then last night it seemed to be effecting my throat a bit too, so Kevin and I decided that I better call the dentist this morning. I went in. I do have an infection, under my wisdom tooth, which is impacted, which needs to come out, so that means, ANOTHER surgery.  I can't believe it. lol.  I called an oral surgeon and have a consult this Thurs, then they will make the apt to remove the two wisdom teeth. 
So now this is what will deal with, along with praying about the radiation.

I will see my ent doc this afternoon too, just so he can check out the infection and know what is going on.

Keep the prayers coming! 

love you. 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Still waiting, in prayer

For I am waiting for you, O Lord. You must answer for me, O Lord my God.

~ Psalm 38:15, NLT
This was the K-love verse of the day I got in email today. Couldn't be more fitting!! Kevin and I are in prayer, waiting for God to lead us to radiation, or not to radiation.
Neither of us have peace about it either way right now. It is frustrating, but I know God will answer. He's teaching me patience right now, can't say I am enjoying it! 
It's so easy for me to go back and forth with this decision, but I know my decisions are not the right ones. Only God has the correct answer,  my prayer is that he is very clear with me what he wants me to do, and that he will give Kevin and I both the same answer, and give us both peace about it.
I got another devotional this morning saying how God hears our cries and like a daddy it rips him up inside to hear our cries and he opens the heavens and answers. These are times I can really feel God speaking to me, when my devotionals and verses I get in my mail are all about what I am needing at the moment. He's telling me, he hears our prayers, and will answer them.
I am trying to spend enough time with him daily so that I don't miss the answer, hopefully I haven't already, but I think God knows I need things to be made clear to me, I dont' usually catch the "whisper" I need the slam upside the head type answer.
This morning we go to church,  I'm praying he'll speak through someone there, I guess we'll see.
Pray for us, for direction, and peace about the direction we take.
love you!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My head is spinning

Well today has been quite the interesting day as far as my cancer journey is going.
First of all, my ENT from Waukesha who found my cancer, had their tumor  board meeting this morning, it was with two oncologist, and himself, (he is the surgeon that took my tonsils out) They called me this morning after their meeting to tell me what they came up with. I was driving with Kevin, we were on our way to get a second opinion on radiation at the Medical college of Wisconsin. Well, the doc said that from all my pathology reports from Mayo, that they didn't think I needed radiation, that I should be done, and just be watched close, every two months. I cried on the phone with the doc, tears of joy of course.
So then, we went to the apt at the Medical college, met with the radiation oncologist, he said he looked at my pathology report, and they think I DO need radiation. UGH.
So, I have two different opinions in one day. Perfect.
Then the oncologist calls me from the tumor board meeting and is all happy, telling me that she thinks my margins looked great, blah, blah and was happy to say I didn't need radiation. I tell her that we were just at the medical college and they told me I need it. She was surprised to hear it.
It gets better. This humana nurse called me, she calls like once a month to check on me, I tell her my dilemma with the radiation among other things.
I hang up with her, and decide I am going to call the doctor who did my surgery at Mayo and talk to him again. I called, and he called me right back. He said, I am assuming you are calling because you dont' know if you should do radiation or not right? I said yes! I explained to him that I was confused because he told me twice I didn't need radiation, then the third time I saw him he said the oncologist said I should have it, and that our tumor board here said I didn't need it , then the medical college said I did! So this is what he says.  That I am really on the fence, there is no big bad indicators for radiation, my margins were clean, he was sure he got all the cancer. He said that because my cancer was from HPV that it's less aggressive. That he has 35 patients in the last three years, with the same cancer as me, with no radiation, and 97% did not recur. Only one person did in the tonsils and he then radiated that.
He said that if it were him, he wouldn't do radiation. He said I wouldn't be making a radical bad decision if I didn't do the radiation. So that was a pretty decent call, since he was my surgeon, knows what cancer he took out, what the margins were etc, I trust his judgement.
I hang up with him, and the Humana nurse calls back. Said she was bothered that I was in this position and couldn't make a decision, so she went to her director and talked to him about it, and he said I should call the surgeon who did my surgery, because he would have the best feel about if he got all the cancer or not. I told her, I just did that! That was strange. She said I sound like I have faith in my life, and maybe I should rely on that?
Hang up with her, and the oncologist from Waukesha calls me back. The same lady that said I didn't need radiation this morning. She said she called the University of Madison clinic and presented my case to a doc there, and he said, I need radiation!
How many different things can a girl hear in one day? This was absolutely absurd!
So I am more confused then I was before. I will still be praying for God to to lead me one way or another because I have NO idea what to do! I feel like I could lose my mind here.  :)  God please hit me with the billboard and tell me what to do!!
On a good note, I had some very positive things  happen today. I had my friend Debbie come over, who I haven't seen in forever. That was a blessing. I received an unexpected card from a friend with a coupon for an ice cream cake in it!  :)   Then two friends stopped over with flowers, banana bread for kids, and for me, $50 in Culvers gift cards for me to get shakes! (yes, I will buy my family ice cream with it too) . So there was lots of stress and confusion, but also some things that made my day and made me feel special and loved!
I am mentally exhausted. I almost feel like going to Culvers now at 8:45pm to get myself a shake and pray I can drink it. lol. But I think I should refrain until tomorrow. lol.
Actually I'd rather have a burger and fries, yeah right.
So that was today. Please pray for guidance for me!! I need God's leading here on what he wants me to do.

Love you all!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Theme for the day?

This has nothing to do with my cancer, but I think God wants me to get something across today.
This morning I felt led to share that devotional, and now I was just doing my bible reading and feel led to share something else.
It wasn't too long ago that I had a friend say something to me about going to church, that she wanted to live the way she wanted to live, not by some rules of the church.
Sometimes people just dont' know enough about the Lord, or church, and they just come up with their own opinions of what it may be like. During my reading today, in Matthew again, I was reading about Herod, and how he had all the baby boys killed because he wanted baby Jesus dead, only because he didn't want him eventually becoming king and taking away his throne. In my commentary it says this ~
"Jesus didn't want Herod's throne, he wanted to be king of Herod's life. Jesus wanted to give Herod eternal life, not take away his present life."
If you are afraid of what you hear of going to church, or giving your life to Jesus, it's not all about rules and how you live your life. It's about accepting his gift of salvation, about spending eternity in heaven, about loving Jesus while you are here on earth, and knowing him. It's not about people at a church telling you what to do, or following rituals that are meaningless, it's about knowing and loving Jesus, and knowing how he loved you first, how he loves you now, about being a part of a church family, part of God's body , and loving each other and taking care of each other. That is what is about.
I don't know who I am writing this for, but God does.  I feel blessed that he wants to speak through me, to you, whoever you may be.

love you!

Going to heaven

This morning I received a devotional that I wanted to share on my blog.  I don't know if everyone who reads my blog knows Jesus, and the most important thing about Jesus is where we will spend eternity and what he did for us, but there's so much more to having Jesus in your life when you are here on earth too. I just wanted to share this devotional.

Eternal Life

John 3:16-18

Each of us faces the same dilemma. We have a sin debt that we owe to God but no way to pay for it. None of our solutions--living a moral life, being religious, or doing more good deeds—can take care of our problem.

God Himself has provided the solution--one that both satisfies His justice and grants us mercy. He sent His Son to pay the penalty we owed. Jesus was qualified to be our substitute because He never sinned (2 Cor. 5:21). He willingly took our place on the cross and experienced the full measure of the Lord's wrath against our sinfulness. In dying for us, Christ secured our salvation by paying the debt for all our past, present, and future sins. When we trust in Jesus and surrender our life to Him, He becomes our personal Savior and Lord.

The great tragedy is that many have heard the gospel and rejected it. Some are like the rich ruler who placed his trust in material possessions and turned his back on the truth. Others have refused to even listen. Another group is convinced they are heaven-bound, based on erroneous confidence in their own good deeds. Only those who have entered into a relationship with Jesus through faith in Him will be welcomed into heaven.

If you're wondering, How can I have eternal life? there is only one answer: through faith in Jesus Christ (John 14:6). We have an Enemy who actively seeks to blind people to the truth (2 Cor. 4:4). Pray that many who are separated from the Lord will trust in the Savior and gain everlasting life.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Giving God some praise tonight

I just wanted to give God some praise. This evening before my girlfriends from church left they prayed with me. Nora prayed that I would be able to eat the chicken that she brought over. I have not eaten anything except applesauce since before surgery. Even that has been hard to get down.
I ATE THE CHICKEN!! It wasn't easy, and I only ate like 3 peices of it and a little bit of rice, but I ate food!
God answered a prayer today. I'm thrilled.

Thank you Lord Jesus for being so attentive to your children, for caring about our small problems and for answering prayers like that and giving us hope when we need it.   :)

Wating for answers.....

I am coveting your prayers that God will give our family some answers as to if I should be doing radiation or not, and if so, with what doctor.

I don't feel a peace either way right now, I don't feel at peace just rushing into radiation, but don't feel at peace saying no I'm not going to do it either.
I have fears both ways. Fears of long term side effects of the radiation, and fears of cancer coming back.
Fear is not from God, so I am waiting for God's peace, and for God to tell me and Kevin what his will is for me. What he wants us to do next.
It's hard to pray and wait for answers when doctors make you feel rushed to make decisions.
Today I was spending time with the Lord and he led to read in Matthew, so that's probably where I'll be reading out of this week.
As I was reading in Matthew 1, when I reached the end of the paragraph I always go to my commentary at the bottom of the page to read what it says. For Matt 1:19 I had already had something highlighted there from a previous time. This is the part that I had highlighted~

"But God often shows us that there are more options available then we think."

That gave me some hope. Maybe there's a different option then radiation? Maybe there isn't.  That obviously didn't tell me what to do, but it did give me a little hope, that just maybe God has something else in mind.
If there's anything new tomorrow I will write about it.
On a lighter note, I am starting to feel better. I am up more, picking up things, doing a little laundry, and I drove myself to my doc apt yesterday! All by myself. That's pretty big. It feels good to be getting better, depressing that I might have to start all over again with radiation.
Thank you for praying, I will let you know how God answers!!

love you.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Praying for God's will

I was talking to my friend Mary this weekend, actually emailing with her, and she asked me what made me decide to do radiation. The only answer I could come up with is, well , basically fear. Fear of the cancer coming back. just doing what the doctors tell me to do. She asked me, had I prayed about it? I had to give an honest answer of no. No, I had NOT prayed about it. How could I forget to ask God if radiation was his will?
Her advice to me is to pray and seek God's will. Read his word and wait for him to answer, does he want me to do it, and if so, where and with what doc? This is what I am doing now. Fear is not of God, I know that. But this is so touchy with this cancer. First the doc says I don't need it, then he says I do. I'm on the edge of needing it and not needing it. I could be healed, but then again, it may come back. Doc says, better to over treat then under treat, which I guess I agree with except for the facts that I will have life long side effects from this radiation. But side effects are better then death right?
But then again, Mary reminded me, God is bigger then the cancer.  So that is what I am doing right now, praying, and waiting for him to answer, or give me peace about doing it or not doing it.
Today I have been trying to reach a girl at the medical college of Wisconsin for a consult there, she never answers her phone, and I've left a few messages. Wonder if that's a sign not to bother going there? lol.
If you would, pray for answers for us. That we would hear God's will loud and clear and know what to do, and whatever the decision, to have peace about it. Because like my brother said, God doesn't make mistakes!

love you!


It's so easy to have strong faith when everything is going well in your life, it's easy to give advice to others, and love God, and Praise God. But when things get hard in life, its easy to for our faith to weaken, or not to "feel" it.  I don't have any doubts that Jesus is with me through this. But sometimes I just don't "feel" it. I feel alone. Even though I have all this family and friends with me almost daily, and a wonderful husband that is always here for me, I feel alone in this cancer thing. Yes, the cancer effects Kevin, and effects my kids, and my dad, but differently. I am the only one that can't swallow anymore, that can't eat food, that has to go through the surgeries and radiation, I feel alone. But I am not. I was just reading in my bible in Romans. I have a study bible and this is what the commentary part says for Romans 4:5 ~
"It is Jesus Christ who saves us, not our feelings or actions, and he is strong enough to save us no matter how weak our faith is. Jesus offers us salvation as a as a gift because he loves us, not because we have earned it through  our powerful faith. What then is the rolde of faith? Faith is beleiving  and trusting in Jesus Christ, and reaching out to accept his wonderful gift of salvation."

I am thankful that even when my faith is weak, or I am "feeling" alone, it doesn't matter, how I feel,  He is still with me no matter how weak I feel.  That's it for now. :)

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Well we took our trip to mayo. My first apt of the day was my swallow test. That went well. It went fast and she said I was doing fine so the tube could come out. I was pretty excited about that.
Next we had our apt with the ENT. The doc that did my surgery wasn't there, he was in meetings, so we saw another doc that we usually see before Dr. Moore anyway, who I like. He took out my tube and did the scope up my nose again and down to my tongue and throat and looked at everything. Said it all looked good and he thought he could see where the doc in Waukesha cauterized my bleeding. Said I would need to come back in 3 months for a follow up. I asked him about Dr. Moore and his decision not to radiate and he said it still stood the same and he agreed.
Then we sat around for a few hours waiting for my apt with the radiation oncologist, to my knowledge I was having this meeting just to know all my facts. Well, when we got in there Kevin and I were both surprised that she said I needed radiation because Dr. Moore had been saying since before surgery I didn't need it! I told her, Dr. Moore said I didn't need radiation, and she said, that is not what he said to me. My guess is what happened was she looked at my pathology reports, and suggested to Dr. Moore that I have radiation. Reason being, there was something called Angiolymphatic invasion, which basically means, he did get all the cancer tumor, and he got all the cancer in the lymph node, but there could be some cancer cells in transit in between the tongue cancer and the lymph node. they don't know for sure if there is or not, but there could be?? They also said lymph nodes that are 3cm or smaller, they don't do radiation. Mine was 3.2cm. so I was right on the border. I was upset.  I wanted to talk to Dr. Moore before we drove home 4 hours so we went back upstairs and asked to speak to him. They said he was still in meetings but they got him out, and he came to talk to us.
He said the same thing, that the angiolyphatic invasion bothered him and he agreed with the radiation oncologist that I should have radiation. This upsets me, because he knew exactly what my pathology report was the time before we were there for follow up and he told me he wouldn't do radiation if it were him. So did she talk him into it? I am not sure. But he said he'd rather over treat me then under treat me and it come back because then if it came back, I'd need all three, surgery again, radiation, and chemo. 
Needless to say, I cried on the way home. This last few months has been such a long difficult journey already, 3 surgeries , feeding tube, etc, I was just ready to be done and start healing. Now I have to start over again. So yesterday we met with a radiation oncologist at Waukesha memorial. Dr. Jones. He was very nice, personable, and seemed quite knowledgeable. Answered all our questions and he has two other patients right now that are having head/neck radiation. I was trying to get a consult at the medical college of Wisconsin too, just to see what they are like and what they say. I want to make sure I am getting the best care, but hopefully God will lead us to Waukesha so it's easy for me and my dad to go everyday.  Please pray for our family during this next 8 to 10 weeks. Pray for strength for Kevin to be able to deal with me, and take care of our family during this time. Pray for my dad, who will be with me every day, taking me to radiation. It's hard for him to see his daughter go through this. Please pray for my kids, not to be too affected by all the people in and out of our house, taking care of them, and their mom not being able to do anything. Please pray for me. For the side effects not to be as terrible as I am anticipating them to be, and the doctors say that will be. Pray that God , the great physician will spare me from some of those bad side effects. We covet your prayers. We appreciate all your help and love and prayers.

love you.

( for some reason, this post didn't post before, but got saved. I wrote this before I wrote my postive list)

Trying to be positive

I decided that I was going to make a list of things that I am thankful for right now, or things that are good, instead of bad in my life. I've been really dwelling on what is coming in my life in the next 8 to 10 weeks and I want to refocus here.
I am not taking things one day at a time, I am taking them 10 weeks at a time, thinking of how terrible it's going to be and how I am going to survive more of this crap.
So I started writing a list.

1. Don't have to have chemo. It could be worse then just radiation.
2. It's temporary. This is not going to last forever, although it may seem like it for awhile.
3. I'm home with my kids and get to see them everyday. I won't have to stay in the hospital. I can get radiation close to home, we don't have to go to mayo or pick up and move for 6 weeks to do this.
4. I have Sarah. My friend who has been through cancer to get me through this and give support and take me to get iv bags of vitamins. lol.
5. I get to see my daddy almost every single day.
6. I'm closer to my sister, love her more.
7. I appreciate my husband SO much more then I did before, really see what a wonderful man he is.
8. We have so many people that love us and are willing to help us.
9. We are seeing some of our family that we don't usually see.
10. I have a new adopted mom, who I love to pieces and wish I would have met her years ago. Mary you are so special.
11. I am learning to let the small things go that dont' really matter anyway, and appreciating small things that I took for granted before.
12. I am loving my kids and family more then I EVER have.
13. Kevin and I now know that our kids will survive a night without us if we ever want to have a night to ourselves. (which we never did, I guess we thought our kids would die? lol)
14. I have Jesus. All day , everyday. I am never alone.
15. We have our church family, they are so fabulous, love us so so much, I feel so blessed God led us to Mercy Hill.
16. My dog Henry, is by my side all day long. He's a great companion when I'm not feeling well.
17. I have the best husband in the world who loves me so much. Rubs my back, feet, neck, trys to calm me down and relax me when I am anxious, listens to me whine and complain, holds me when i ask to be held, takes care of our kids and loves them so much, Is there for me anytime I ask him to be, anytime I need him. I can even wake him up in the middle of the night when I am scared and he doesn't get mad at me. He slept in a chair at the hospital for two nights, He sacrifices so much for me, he's selfless.
Love you babe, thank you for everything.

18. Speaking of selfless. My daddy.  He comes here 6 days a week, just because. Even if there is already someone here to watch the kids, he comes, For me. He is a comfort to me, just to have him here even if he's just sitting in the chair doing nothing. He cleans my kitchen, he puts up with my crazy kiddos, especially Gracie telling him where to sit and what to do, she's a little bossy, but too cute. He stays with me, just to comfort me and make me feel safe and know I'm not alone. He takes me to appointments, to the grocery store, will be taking me to every radiation treatment 5 days a week for 6 weeks. He just loves me and our family so much, he's the best dad in the world. Dad I love you more then words can say.

19. My sister. Supports me, encourages me, is always, always there for me, even in the middle of the night.  She loves my kids to death. She slept on my couch for nights on end, just to give me peace of mind and comfort, she sacrificed her own sleep and comfort for me. I feel thankful for having such a wonderful sister, Cindy I love you so much. and Larry, thank you for sacrificing some of your time with your wife, while she is helping me.

20.God surrounding our family with all these people that love and care for us so much.

21. Kevin's family, for taking time for us, using their vacation and weekends to spend with us and help us out.

22. my kids. For making me smile so many times a day. I love them so so much.

I know there more. When I think of more I Will add to the list.  I will need to re-read this when I get in this funk and start thinking about what is to come. God is going to get me through this.

My brother said something yesterday that I really liked. He said, God doesn't make mistakes. He knows what he is doing and what is best for me and my family. I like that. God knows about the cancer. He knows about the radiation, and he doesn't make mistakes. If I have to go through radiation, it's going to suck, but in the end it is going to be good for us. How? I have NO idea, but God knows, and God loves me. and he loves my husband, and my kids, and my dad, and he is allowing what is best for us and will make our lives better in the long run.
That is something I want to keep in my mind. God doesn't make mistakes. He is after all, God. He is also a good and loving God so I have to trust him, that he's is using this for my good. God is still good, still loving, even if I have to go through radiation. He will not leave me or forsake me.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Going back to mayo tonight

So tonight we take another trip to mayo. Hopefully it will be my last for awhile and I can do the rest of my follow ups with my Ent close to home. I know i will have to go back to mayo again, but I'm hoping at least not for another six months or so!
My first apt there tomorrow is 8am, and the last is 3:45pm, so we will spend the entire day in the mayo building. Oh joy. So we will leave tonight, probably arrive around 11pm, go to sleep and get up and go. This time Kevin is going to go with me so he can be there to hear everything the docs have to say. I will have another swallow study to see how good I can swallow, and see the doc, and also see a radiation oncologist to get all my facts. I sure am hoping that he says the same thing as the Ent said, that I don't need radiation. Please pray for that. I am really ready to be done with this cancer and be a mommy and wife again. I'm dying to be normal and play with my kids and go swimming and go to the zoo, and give them baths and read to them, just be mom again!!
My dad took me to the grocery store today, boy was that ever nice!! The only time I've been getting out of the house lately is to go to the hospital so it was a blessing to be able to just walk around the grocery store and get my family some goodies! Even though I can't eat any of it. lol.  :)  Nice to be able to spend some time with my dad too.
That is one of the positive things about this cancer, I have gotten to spend much more time with family, and get closer to them, and love them more then ever. I'm so thankful for my family, and Kevin's family and my church family.
Today I am drinking water real well, and the applesauce is going down a bit better today too, I don't have to wash every bite down with water, so it is slooooowly improving just a bit everyday! I don't know if this will be good enough for the swallow study or not, but I pray it is!
I am trying to plan a Tastefully Simple party at the end of the month, and I told the girl that I may need to move it to Aug because I want to be darn sure I can eat all those dips! lol.
We have Kevin's sister Patti and her hubby staying at our house tonight with the kids. Just another blessing that we have people so willing to help us. Family is using their vacation time to help us, that is so amazing and giving.
I will try and update tomorrow if I am going home without the tube and whatever else we find out. Please pray for good news!!!

love you. 

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6.

I have not been following that verse very well lately, and i need to  confess and repent and start obeying the verse.

Last night It really hit me how much this whole cancer thing has affected me. More then I realized. I have some good days, where I am in a pretty decent mood, and not in too much pain, and I praise God for those days. I praise him when I make it through days with no bleeding, or nothing else strange.

On Sun we took a trip to the Er because it felt like my feeding tube was bunched up in my throat, it was making me cough and gag, so we called my ent and he said go to the hospital and have them xray it and make sure it's still in your stomach. So we did that. It looked OK, so I was frustrated, what is making me cough and gag then? I wanted them to take the feeding tube out, but they wouldn't. I have been drinking water OK, so I thought, It can come out, if they take it out, I can just drink my nutritional shakes.
Well, I came home with the tube still in place, and yesterday it was better, not gagging me, but still causing pain in one certain place. I decided last night I'd try making a protein shake from young living and drink it, I need to be able to drink those and eat apple sauce by Thurs to get this tube out. Well, the shake wasn't going down very good. I felt like I had phlegm in the back of my throat, and the foamy drink wasn't doing any good for that, just made it feel more thick back there, that started giving me anxiety. Probably for two reasons, I was feeling like the back of my throat was closing up because of the thickness, and I was getting discouraged because if I can't drink that, the tube is not going to be coming out. My anxiety just got the best of me. I was texting with my sister at the same time, she was asking if I wanted her to sleep over again, just in case I started bleeding. Here's another example of me not trusting God, but using my sister as a comfort to me, I felt better if she's here sleeping on my couch, just in case I bleed. So talking to her about that, and the not being able to drink the shake, my anxiety just got bad. My chest started feeling tight and closing in, like I couldn't breathe,. I went outside and asked Kevin to come in. I had to take an alprazolam to calm myself down.

I have had anxiety issues since I was about 20. I would have panic attacks like that, and have been on medication for it for years, and it's been under good control with the medicine. But I am still taking the medicine, and it's getting bad. This is how I realized last night how much this cancer and surgery and bleeding has all been affecting me more then I thought.  My sister came over and I asked her, "Why is my anxiety getting so bad?"  She is so good at  talking me through things. She did help me, by saying I've been through a cancer diagnosis, 3 surgeries now, a feeding tube, I need to relearn how to swallow again , I haven't been able to do anything for weeks, have to have people taking care of my kids and my house,  it's a lot of stress. That is all true. I guess I have a lot of reasons to be freaked out, this cancer just took our families life away in the last few months. Even my son Jake said to me, He misses his mom how I used to be. How sad.  So there's lots of reasons to be anxious, but as a follower of Christ, I am forgetting that he does not want me to be anxious. This is a verse that I always think about when I start to worry, but have managed to forget about lately. I need to pray when I feel anxious, not just take a pill and rely on Kevin and Cindy to be here to comfort me.  Philippians 4:8 says that I am supposed to think on things that are true.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I need to focus on things that are true.  My throat was not closing up, I could breathe, I did do better drinking then I did the day before. I was able to swallow some applesauce, not easy, but I did it. Those are things to be thankful for not anxious about. How easy to get my focus in the wrong place, off of God, off of the good, and on to the negative and scary things.
These are the choices we can make as Christians. We can choose what and who we are going to focus on. I need to focus on Jesus, and what is true and praiseworthy.
I am far from a perfect christian, so sometimes I do the opposite of what I am supposed to. Thankfully God showed me last night and this morning that I am putting my trust and focus in the wrong things.
Another verse I came across this morning was this~

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

I need to be strong , to try and drink that protein drink everyday, even if I am scared. I need not be terrified, or discouraged if i can't do it perfect, it will come. My God is with me, and I need to trust him, that he's going to help me through this, and the tube is going to come out exactly when he wants it to come out, I need not to fret about it, but I do need to try! I do need to practice swallowing and not be afraid to keep doing it, until It feels natural again.
I need to remember who I claim to follow, I follow a good God, who is always with me, who will not abandon me, who loves me, who will not give me more than I can handle, and who is allowing this trial in our family for a reason.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get those feelings out. If you want to pray, pray for me to remember who my God is, to trust him, to not be anxious. Pray for my swallowing to get better everyday so the tube can come out on Thurs when we go back to Mayo. Pray for no more bleeding. Pray for me to get back to "normal" for my kids, I am ready to be a mommy again, I miss being a mommy. pray that I don't have to have radiation, as we will also meet with a radiation oncologist this Thurs at mayo. As I said before, my ent who did my surgery said he got all the cancer, and said if this was him, he wouldn't do the radiation, but wants me to know all my options, so  I am praying that the best option for me is to be done now. Thank you for your prayers. love you.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Had another surgery on Thursday

The one night my sister didn't sleep over, of course, I started bleeding again. Woke up around 3am and could feel something in the back of my throat. I was afraid to turn the suction on because I didn't want to see blood. Well, it was blood. I ran upstairs and woke up Kevin and called 911. Seems like they take too long to get here for being 2 min down the road!
As usual by the time I got to the ER the bleeding had stopped, but the Dr said, this is the 4th time this has happened so we need to do something about it.
They called the ENT on call and decided to admit me. The Ent came to see me around 11am and said they should probably put me under and go down with a scope and cauterize where the bleeding is coming from.
They said around 3:30. The girl from the OR came to get me around 3:20 and I just started bleeding again!! Episode 5! I also starting gagging and throwing up.
They took me down, and let me sit up in the OR until they put me to sleep so I could keep spitting out the blood. Next thing you know, I'm waking up in the recovery room.
The surgery was supposed to take  about 15 min, but of course, he had problems. He said whenever they would put the tongue compressor in to hold my tongue down, the bleeding would stop, so they had a hard time finding out exactly where the bleeding was coming from. He said eventually they think they found it and he's pretty confident that he cauterized the right spot. I sure hope so!! 3 surgeries and 4 ambulance rides is plenty for me!! Can I please be done with this bleeding now and heal up??
I am afraid this is going to set me back with the feeding tube again, because now I have pain in my throat or tongue and it's hard to drink water again. Please pray the pain subsides so I can keep drinking water and learning how to swallow. If i can eat apple sauce by my apt on Thurs I will probably get this tube out, and I'm SO ready to get this tube out!!!
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they mean a lot to me!!