About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


OK, one more post! The kids are keeping themselves busy and the thought is on my mind so I have to share one more thing. :)

The link that I shared in the last post, the one about radiation, it was one month past my surgery date. I was returning to mayo for a swallow test. This just brought back raw memories that I don't ever want to forget. Even though they are bad memories, thankfulness comes from it.

When I did my first swallow test after surgery it was devastating to me to find out that I was not ready to have my feeding tube removed. I just think about how hard I tried on that test to swallow something the consistency of milk, and choked. Then I had to try to swallow apple sauce and just couldn't get it down. When I heard that women say, " I'm sorry but your just not ready to have the feeding tube out yet" I just felt the tears roll down my face. It was so frustrating to me to not be able to swallow, to have to get my nourishment from a tube. I recall the second swallow test, where I did better, swallowed the milky stuff without choking, then sort of got down the apple sauce, enough for her to say it was OK to take the tube out. But then coming home and thinking, " I am about to starve to death" because I could only take one small sip of water or at that time protein shake at a time ,then choke, then take another sip. It took me over an hour to get one glass down and they wanted me to have 5 or 6 shakes a day. There was just no way I could do it. They yelled at me at every visit I was losing too much weight. I think back to that, it was only 9 months ago that I could not swallow water. God has healed me so much in those nine months. I still can't swallow perfectly, things still get stuck sometimes, but I can eat and drink whatever I want, God restored me.

A few weeks ago I had a post on facebook, I was asking where I could find a kitchen apron for a cheap price because when I cook I always manage to get grease on my clothes, I got a few good suggestions from friends, and actually just this past Thursday found one for $10 at TJ Maxx. Then Saturday I went to a women's brunch at church and my "mom" Mary handed me a bag with a gift in it. I waited till I got home to open the bag. Inside was a yellow apron, with an Easter bunny on the front. All I could think was, " She is so thoughtful!" she never commented on my facebook post, so I didn't even know that she knew i was looking for an apron, you know that feeling you get when you find out someone was thinking of you, or paying attention to your life but you didn't know it? That's how I felt. I just felt really appreciative and cared for by her. What a nice surprise. What does this all have to do not being able to swallow? Well, when I emailed her and thanked her for her thoughtful gift, this is what mom wrote back to me~

"Yes, I saw your facebook message about the apron. I forgot about it until I came across this one accidentally and God brought your facebook message to me. I had to get it because Easter speaks of restoration and that is what he did and continues to do for you, so thank him not me."

She is so right. Here's a definition of restoration~
A return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition.
God has healed and restored my tongue and throat so that I can swallow again. He also restored my body from cancer. I praise Jesus for this restoration of my body.

 I had to tell Kevin and the kids what mom said about the apron she bought me. Jake asked, what does Restoration have to do with Easter?  :)
I know Jake really knows this, he probably just didn't completely get the word restoration so I explained it to him.
Easter is when Christ rose from the dead, after being called a liar, spit on, beat, whipped, beard ripped out of his face, flogged, carried his own cross on his back and was nailed to it to die. For US. For YOU. Can you imagine? The God of the universe died for YOU. For your restoration.
We are pathetic dirty sinners who don't deserve to be in heaven with a holy God. But God loved us SO much that he sent his son to die for US. For YOU.  To restore us, from being dirty and black to clean and white as snow. When God looks at us, he sees Jesus. He doesn't see our dirty sin. We are restored. We are able to go to heaven because of Jesus, and only because of Jesus.
I will wear that apron with thankfulness to my Lord, for restoring me in so many ways.
I wish I had a decent camera to share a picture of the apron with you, I'm working on that. :)
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Looking back

I was just scanning through my blog because someone said they couldn't see old posts, so I wanted to see if they were still there.

I came across this one~


This was back in July when I was told that I had to have radiation. What struck me while reading this was that at the end of the post I asked for prayers, that God would spare me from some of the bad side effects of radiation. God sure answered those prayers. He not only spared me from some of the bad side effects of radiation, he spared me from radiation all together! God has been so good to me. It's hard to go back and read some of those posts because it brings me right back into those days when I felt scared and alone, but going back to it now, I can also see where God was in it, and I didn't notice it at the time because I was so caught up in the moment. So reminds me of the footprints poem and picture. At the time I felt alone, he was there carrying me and I didn't even know it. He was blessing me when I was in the midst of feeling abandon.

The day I wrote that post I had no idea that I wasn't going to end up having radiation, but he knew. He was probably smiling when he heard those prayers not to make radiation side effects too bad. Isn't that just like a daddy to do that? Give us more then we ask for?

Sometimes when it seems like you are alone, or that God isn't hearing your prayers, don't lose heart. He's there, he hears our prayers and he may just bless you with more then you ask for!

Thursday, March 17, 2011


This may be a long post so be prepared! :)
This morning I was reading my devotional, which led me to Psalm 139.

I've been struggling with this bible study on Craving God instead of food, struggling with my eating, once again,  and conviction from God that I need to do something about it.

This morning I was reading In Psalm 139~ O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceived my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completley, O Lord.

I just stared at these verses and prayed, Ok God, You know me, you know my thoughts, you KNOW my problems with eating and why I do what I do! Please help!

I decided I was going to listen to a sermon online, so I went to Mars Hill and put sin in the search and a few sermons popped up. One was over coming sin. THAT'S the one I need!

God knew exactly what I needed to hear. I'm so good for making excuses.  I love God, and I sure don't want to be the person that says I don't want to sin, and say i'm sorry for it, then turn around and do it again. I don't want to be fake. God knows my heart, and he knows every thought and every action, there's no hiding from him. lol.   I was saying to myself, why can't I stop? If I have God's power in me, and I love God, then why can't I stop be a glutton?  It's because I didn't want to. It's because I wasn't using God's power.

Pastor Mark Driscoll does not sugar coat anything, he tells it like it is and I needed that.

Here's how he sums it up~

~Sin is basically ignoring God and pretending he doesn't exsist.

~We are saved by Grace through Jesus to do good works and imiate Jesus.  (not saved by good works, but saved to DO good works)

~Life is like getting clothed and unclothed. We put on clothes for the day that we plan to live out for that day.
~We put on clothes to give an image.

* As Christains we either clothe ourselves with sin or Christ.

~You can't put Christ over dirty clothes.

He tells us to name our sin. This particular day my is gluttony, or self indulgence.

~He says we legitimize and justify our sin. ( Oh yes, I am the queen of this!! I can have that extra candy or treat or whatever because I "deserve" it, "why shouldn't I? Everyone else is having it!" " It's not fair that I can't have it but she can".  "It's just this once, just for today" "It's not a big deal, it's just food!" " I can't stop doing it)

~We may think our sin isn't a sin.  (I've been back and forth with this for a long time, I think when I do start thinking over eating is a sin Satan tells me otherwise)

~ God is shining a light on our darkness.  ( This i know to be true. I wasn't thinking much about my eating at all and boom I'm having a bible study about it at my house!)

~ The more I take my sin and run TO it, the farther I distance myself from God. (That makes me sad)

Mark also talked about cause and effect. If you sin, there is always consequences. If you over indulge in food, you get fat, unhealthy, some people even die.

Something that really hit me was when he said, " You are not a "VICTIM, you are a SINNER!"

I was making myself out to be a victim thinking, " I can't control myself, I have no self control"  I was wrong.
I am a child of God, I have the holy spirit living in me, the same power that raised Christ from the dead, am I going to use that power??! Or make excuses and continue in my sin?

Why am I giving myself over to this sin as though I am powerless to it?? Why was I doing that? No more will I do that!  I'm a Jesus girl!

I am an image bearer of God, I am NOT a victim. My fat shows my sin. Boom shaka laka. It's the truth. I don't care what people say, if I'm fat it shows that I have over indulged myself, and how does that show fruit of the spirit? It doesn't.

When your a "victim" you can blame someone and justify your sin. I can't blame anyone but myself for sin. Call it what it is Amy!

What I need is true repentance, to turn away from the sin of over indulgence, and turn TOWARD God.
What will that do? I will stop sinning and become closer to my  Lord.

Feed the spirit, get more spirit. Feed the flesh, well, die.  lol.  Stupid flesh.

Pastor Mark is so matter a fact in this message, but it's exactly what I needed. He basically is saying if your a Christian, your a new man, your wearing new clothes. Throw off the old and put on the new. He says it over and over, " Off with the old, in with the new"  It's not that hard of a concept, if your sinning, STOP IT! lol.

Our goal in life is to be closer to God.  When I am going to food instead of Jesus, I need to ask myself, " Is this going to draw me closer to Jesus or farther from him?"

It might be painful to tell myself no, but it will bring me closer to Jesus if I turn to him instead ans ask for his help and his power.

Do I worship ME or JESUS?

Jesus defeated sin on the cross. Do I Know Christ?? Apart from Jesus there is no victory over sin.
I know Jesus, so what am I doing??

It almost sounds too simple to me. Just take off the old and put on the new. How about that?

There's one more funny thing I want to share, we are taught to be loving and mericful, and give people grace with their sins, I agree with that. God gives us grace so we should give others grace and love and forgiveness when they sin, but Mark, at the end of the sermon, he says, " Pick friends that will say to you, " You suck! you have to stop doing that! But we love you!"

He says, "be around people who will speak truth to you! The goal of a friend is to get you closer to Jesus."

It's so easy for us to get offended when someone calls out our sin, it makes us want to call out theirs! But this is what we need! I want my freinds and family and husband to call it as they see it. 

I am a Christian. I have Jesus, who shed his blood to defeat sin. I have the holy spirit's power.
There IS hope and change and transformation in Christ and for crips sake I need to live like it! :)

I'll keep you updated on my battle with the flesh.

 If you feel led~ the sermon is posted here. It's about an hour long but worth every single minute of your time!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Rituals for lent.

I hope this post is of the Lord.  I pray it is. There were some other things that I read this morning that I thought God was speaking to me about. Matter a fact, I know he was speaking to me about them. Although, I thought he was showing me something for my bible study group, and that it could be a post for a different day.  I saved the info with book marks in my bible. I shared before that we are doing a study on Craving God instead of craving food, which in essence, could be about anything, about craving anything more then God.
Today I saw a few comments on face book about people giving up things for Lent. This got me thinking, and praying. Let me state something really clearly here, I know I am not perfect. I have many faults, I am a sinner, and I need Jesus to forgive me and guide me and lead me.  I hope this post doesn't make anyone upset, but if it does, I'm sorry and I'm not trying to "start" anything. lol..
For some reason, when this time of year rolls around, I get a little bit "irked" with rituals. Or maybe I should say people that just live by rituals, people that do things because that's what the church does, or because that's what they were taught to do.
I see people saying that they are giving up this or that for lent, or that they can't eat meat on Fridays, only fish, and then I think, what about the rest of the year? What about how you live your life every other single day? Do you think God doesn't care about that?  God doesn't only want you to live for him at lent time. He doesn't want you to give up things at all if your heart isn't in it. If you give up chocolate for lent, just because it's lent, that means nothing to God. Nothing. If you are doing it because you want to please him, and you love him, and want to live everyday of your life for him, that's different.  If you are advertising that you are giving up something for lent, you are doing it for show, for people's approval, not for God.  Are you observing rituals or do you have love in your heart for God? Are you giving up baked goods but then having sex without being married? Are you giving up face book but then cheating on your spouse? Giving up things for God isn't just for lent.

 This morning my daily devotional led me to the book of Galatians.
 I started in Gal 5:16~ So I say, live by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
 Gal 5:19-21~  When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures,  idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division,  envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
In the commentary it says this~ Those who ignore such sins or refuse to deal with them reveal that they have not received the gift of the spirit that leads to a transformed life.
Another ouch.

So, the bible study we are doing is basically about Idolatry.  Anything that we put before God, is more important to us then God, maybe we feel we can't give it up or live without it, it's an Idol to us. That's idolatry. So for me, yeah, food is an idol and I need to watch how much I eat and don't be a glutton.
Sometimes I have selfish ambition, I put myself and my own needs before others needs, like my kids, or my husband, or Friends.  So yes, I sure am a sinner, and i need to repent of these things and try not to live by my flesh. The next verses are the fruit of the spirit~
Galatians 5:22-25~
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

The commentary says this- If we want the fruit of the spirit to grow in us, we must join our lives to his. We must know him, love him, remember him and imitate him.

So what does that mean? I need to spend more time with God. Read my bible more, pray more, sit at his feet more and listen to him. I can't muster up the fruit of the spirit by myself. I need Jesus for that.

I guess my thought is, we need to give up things for God everyday of the year, and because we love him, because he sacrificed his son for us so we don't go to hell. If something is an idol for you, you should work on giving that up everyday, not just for lent.  Don't give up something for lent and advertise it to impress people of this world, God is not impressed.
Maybe instead of giving up something, give him something. Give him some of your time, spend some time with him, read his word, get to know him.  Prepare your heart for Easter by getting to know your Savior.

Seeing the beauty in things..........

God said so much this morning, how can I not be in awe by him? I didn't read all that much of his word this morning, it was more read a little bit and think on it, read a little more and think on it, he was just full of things to say to me this morning.

When I first came down the steps this morning and saw the snow, I thought, "that is not pretty anymore" But instantly God changed my mind and I thought, no, it IS pretty, even though I don't really want to see it anymore.

A little while later I was comfy in my chair by my kitchen window, dogs sitting by me, bible in my lap, and I couldn't help but stare at the snow just swirling around in the backyard and the bushes and tree branches covered with the beautiful white snow. It IS beautiful. I took pictures, which won't do it justice because it's just a crappy little camera, but I'll share them anyway. But it is beautiful, clean white snow. Reminds me of a song we sang at church last Sunday, Jesus washed us white as snow.

Anyway, sitting there, thinking about how I long for warm spring and budding flowers, and green grass, and hot summer days, I looked at that snow and thought, even though, yes even though I don't want it right now, it is still beautiful.

It reminds me of my cancer that I had. As I've said so many times, cancer was always a fear to me because of losing my mom to it at age 11. But right now, at this moment, I can say having had that cancer in our lives, is a beautiful thing. Having it, and going through the cancer itself was most certainly not beautiful, I am not going to make "fluff" of that! It was far from beautiful. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I know my husband and kids and family and friends would say the same.

I sure didn't want it at that season of my life, or any time for that matter. But it has brought beauty to my life. The ugly cancer brought beauty. I used to take the saying " Everyday is a gift" lightly. I don't anymore. Everyday that I wake up with breath is a gift to me now. Everyday that I get to do anything, get out of bed, swallow, eat, talk, spend time with my kids, clean the house, all gifts. I am here, alive and it's a gift. I look at life, at everything, through different eyes now because of the cancer. The cancer, made things more beautiful, made life more beautiful. I appreciate things so much more then I used to. That's a gift in itself. A gift from God that I would have never asked for! It's obvious that we are so small and don't see the big beautiful picture that God sees. Our minds can't understand it. We don't see the end product. The day I was told I have cancer in my body I was not thinking, oh that's wonderful!! I'm sure something beautiful will come of it! Those thoughts were far from my mind!

But God has turned something so ugly into something so beautiful in my life.

This morning I was also thinking and praying about a friend who is a cancer survivor, just reached her one year anniversary, and is waiting for a biopsy today to see if the spot they see is cancer or not. I think about her in waiting, like I was the last week, after they saw that spot on my liver, and waiting the entire week for the PET scan, and waiting on Monday from 6:30am to 3pm for the results of the scan.

I think how knowing Jesus, having a relationship with God and being close to him got me through that week with such peace. Sure I had a day when the evil one tried to get me worrying, but I had back up. I had friends with strong faith to call on, who gave me words of faith to bring my mind and heart back to Jesus and stop the nonsense. To bring me back to who was in control of my life and my body and my healing. God. If I didn't know Jesus, or read God's word, or have friends with strong faith, how would I have made it through that week? I would have never made it through with such peace as I did. God did that. As I said in my last blog, he sent me verses, daily devotions, calenders, you name it, every single day about fear. We need God in our lives for when those hard times come. If you read his word, and get to know him when things are good, it makes hard times easier. Sometimes I think that's why he allows struggles in our life. So that we pull closer to him, run to him, realize that we NEED him, that HE is in control. When life is running smooth, we think we are in control, but when things go bad, we quickly realize we are far from in control, that it's all up to God and we had better get on our knees. But God doesn't want to be a 911 call. He wants us to have relationship with him everyday, even when times are good. He wants us to get to know him and love him, then when troubles come, we can lean in on him for comfort.
But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out it's roots by the stream,
It does  not fear when heat comes;
Its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8

This morning I will embrace the snows clean white beauty, and know that around the corner, the warmth of spring is coming. I pray that those that read my blog that don't know Jesus, that you would seek him. I pray that if you are in hard times, you seek his face for the good to come of it.

If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for my friend this morning. That her biopsy is not cancer.

much love.............

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Cancer free scan!

I am still basking in all God's love and faithfulness this morning.  I have had an overwhelming feeling to just get on my face and give him praise because he gets all the glory for this healing.
Praise God is all I can think about right now!
This has been just an amazing faith building week for me. God provided me with peace and love letters all week leading up to the scan, comforting me with his love and telling me not to fear. No matter what the results would be, not to fear, that he loved me, and he loved my husband and my kids. I took my Pastor and friend Tommy's advice and lived out what I believe, that God is loving and whatever happens it was for my good. God got me through a very tough week with a peace that I can't even explain. One day that evil one tried to mess with my faith, but God's word and my faithful sisters in Christ got me through that.
Kevin and I actually had a wonderful 24 hours with our trip to mayo. We had 9 hours of drive time to talk. Kevin said we probably got two months worth of talking in, in that time we spent together. We stayed at a different hotel, (one that had no bad memories of feeding tubes!) and had a nice comfy bed. On Mon morning when my scan was over we went back to the hotel and talked more, about God and how he is changing us for the better because of the cancer that I once had. How he was using it to make us better people, and how we shouldn't leave mayo without being changed, no matter what the results were. We had a wonderful relaxing day waiting for my apt with Dr. Moore. We had a very yummy Italian lunch at Victoria's, (thanks mom) and  we had almost 2 hours to sit in comfy chairs at Starbucks and just enjoy each others company. At Starbucks, it was getting near to apt time, I started to get that little knot in my stomach,  I pulled out my little bible and read some verses that I had marked from previous trips to mayo and read them to Kevin~

" I am the God of your father Abraham, Do not be afraid, for I am with you, I will bless  you" Genesis 26:26

" Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today!" Exodus 14:13

" Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you: he will never leave you or forsake you"  Deut 31:6

" You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you." 2 Chronicles 20:17

I felt peace. God was with us. I was praying and believing God that he had already answered all the prayers.

I remembered what I told Jake the day before, we were looking at my daily calender and it had a verse from Mark on it, ~  "If you can?" Said Jesus. Everything is possible for him who believes."  Jake and I read that I told him, pray to God for a clean scan, and then thank him for answering the prayer.  I praise God he answered so many peoples prayers yesterday. Hallelujah!!

The appointment went really well. I have a heart for these two doctors and can't help but smile when they come in the room.
Eli is Dr. Moore's PA, he usually comes in first. He asked how I was and what was new and I told him about the liver spot. He looked at my PET scan on the computer and just smiled. Nothing was lit up on or around my liver. There was a spot on it, but it's not cancer. Don't know what it is and frankly, today, I don't care! As long as it's not cancer! 
He said what was lit up on the left tongue base was exactly the same as last time, and they think that is nothing but that side of my tongue overcompensating for all that was removed on the right side.
Dr. Moore came in after , gave me another exam, felt everything, said everything looks really good. He said the same as Eli that what was lit up on the left is nothing, he doesn't feel need to biopsy it, and he said when I come back in 3 months which will be ONE YEAR from my surgery date, I need NO SCAN. Praise God again! 
Kevin had to get a picture of me smiling after that news. Our faithful God was all I could think about.
We had a safe drive home, came home to sick kids with fevers, but that's OK. Good to be home with our babies and know that I have more days to spend with them.
Thank you every single one of you for praying. God heard your prayers and he answered.

Nothing is impossible with God!!  Luke 1:37

love you all!!!!  

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Who am I?

God just amazes me. I love this song because it speaks so much truth. Who am I that God cares so much about the little details of my life? God's love is so amazing I just can't even wrap my mind around it. God, of the huge universe, cares about my day, about my feelings, my fears. He cares enough to send me to certain scriptures to read, sends me devotionals about exactly what I need to hear and people to pray for me. He cares about the details of my life. Me. Thank you Jesus. xo

Friday, March 4, 2011

Trusting in him.

I am just amazed by God and what he's been teaching me lately. I tell you, this cancer has been more of a blessing then anything. I can't even believe I wrote that. I really can't. The thing I feared since I lost my mom to it at age 11, I feel blessed to have gotten it. Sounds absurd doesn't it?
Whatever day that was that my doctor called me and told me about this spot on my liver, I think it was Monday? I thought, oh great, I now have an entire week to worry myself and think about yet another thing they could find on my PET scan on Monday. But just the opposite has happened this week. God has given me peace, and is growing me in my faith in him.  I have hardly worried at all this week. I have not searched the Internet on liver spots, I have not even looked at the radiologist report that I have to take with me to mayo. I have done what his word told me to do, keep my eyes on him. Every single day this week he has given me something, either in his word, (the bible) , my daily calender, or my books, he's given me something every single day about not worrying. It's simply amazing! God is so near, so close, it's like he's standing right here rubbing my back like my husband does saying, no fear babe, I'm right here.  I know how much God loves me. I also know that he loves Kevin and my kids as much as he loves me, and more then I love them. Hard to wrap my brain around that, that he loves my kids more then I do. But he does. So whatever God has
 for me, it's out of love.  Obviously I still pray and ask for prayer that the spot on the liver is nothing, and my regular scan on my head and neck is clean. Yes I sure do want to be cancer free and live and see my kids grow up and be a grandma and grow old with Kevin, you bet I do. I want to mark off on my calender, 9 months, Cancer FREE! Whoo hooo. That's my plan when I get home next Tuesday. I pray that's God's plan too. But if it isn't, I trust him.  He has shown me this week how involved he is, how close he is, the stuff I read is no coincidence, it's all him!
Yesterday my daily calender said, " Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you." Right out of the bible. 1 Peter 5:7.
Today, my devotion book said this~ "REFUSE TO WORRY! In this world there will always be something enticing you to worry. The best defense is continual communication with Me, richly seasoned with Thanksgiving. Awareness of my presence fills your mind with light and peace, leaving no room for fear. This awareness lifts you up above your circumstances, enabling you to see problems from My perspective. Live close to Me! Together we can keep the wolves of worry at bay." 

Coincidence? No way.
How about opening my bible this morning to Luke 12, and seeing something I already highlighted in the past in my commentary, that says, " Jesus commands us not to worry" Comes from Like 12:22. and it says, Overcoming worry requires ~ Simple trust in God, your heavenly father.   Ok, Abba thank you for speaking to me, every single day this week about fear! 

One more thing I must share. This week I was at Walmart with the kids, we were walking past the book section, and I picked up this Joyce Meyers book that I had looked at before, called Power Thoughts. I looked at it and thought, " I should buy this", but then though, Nah, I'll just read the books I have! I put it back.
Yesterday, I was looking in a cabinet that I don't open everyday, and what is there? The Joyce Meyers book! lol.  Obviously I had bought it in the past, tucked it away and forgot I bought it! How funny is that! So while eating my breakfast this morning I opened it up to Power thought number three~ I will not live in fear. :)
Hello Jesus.  :)
She says, there are more types of fear then we can name or count, but they all have the same source and purpose,, they are ALL from the enemy and they are intended to steal the life Jesus died to give us! Stupid Satan!
She says, it's the devils tool to keep us miserable and out of the will of God.

This makes so much sense to me, there's so much truth in it! This week could have been and still could be absolutely miserable for me, I know this because I've done it in the past! I could have spent this entire week sick about what the results could show next Monday, dwelling on it all day long. I would not have enjoyed my kids this week, or enjoyed going out to dinner for Gracie's birthday, and I probably wouldn't enjoy the weekend either. But Thanks be to God, he has given me faith, and trust in him. He has showed me how to hand it over to him and not fear. Thank you God.
So having had cancer in the past, has taught me so many things. How to really appreciate being alive, every single day. How to really love and care for people, (no I'm not perfect, but much better!) He's taught me how every little thing is a gift from him, and how to trust him and have faith in him, how close he is to me, and how involved he is in my life.  My most dreaded fear come true has been a blessing in disguise. Gives me the goose bumps just writing that.
I have more this week, things he's given me about eating and being obedient too, but I don't think Gracie is going to give me anymore time to write about that, but for my bible study girls, I will be sure to try and get back on here and do that later.
To a fear free, trusting in him day. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Are you thankful?

Piles of laundry, dishwasher full of clean dishes, counter full of dirty dishes, little girl just wet her pants, she's on her third set of clothes today, messy house, school work to do yet........these are things that I would usually sigh over, maybe even complain over. Not today. Today, I am being thankful for all of it. Thankful for the dishwasher that washes my dishes, and for my dad that usually unloads it on Mon, wed, and Fridays. :)  Thankful for the little girl who peed in her pants cause her jeans were too tight, the little girl who will be four years old tomorrow. Thankful for those piles of dirty laundry because it means I have family to wear those clothes, thankful for school yet to be done, because it means, my kids are home with me all day and enjoyed their day playing with each other.
I have a spot in my kitchen, where I sit on a sun room chair, in the afternoon, and the sun beats right down on me. Even in the middle of winter, that spot feels like summer. I could pretend I was on a beach if I closed my eyes, or at least pretend it's warm outside. :)  This afternoon I sat there, in the warmth, with my book, and just thanked God for all the small things. For that sunshine keeping me warm, for my kids talking in the background, for the glistening ice on my back patio. For breath. For life.
On most days  I would say that cancer sucks. Cause, well, it does. But having the reality that our days are numbered can really make you appreciate life. I mean, really appreciate life and all the small things.
I remember after I had the surgery, and I couldn't swallow, not even my own saliva. I had to use a suction machine for almost 2 months because I couldn't swallow. Now, when I swallow, I thank God.  I couldn't eat. Now, when I eat, I thank God I can eat. I couldn't talk. I had to write everything on paper. Now, I thank God I can speak.  I am even thankful of the interruption I just had to wipe someones butt, because last summer, someone else had to go do that for me.  God gives us so many gifts in a day that we don't even take time to see them, and absorb them, and be thankful for them. 
I'm notorious for getting stressed out over a messy house and having to clean it. My husband on the other hand, well, he could care less what the house looks like. This always irritated me. Why doesn't he care? While I was mumbling about my house being a mess, he is playing with my kids.  Why do I stress over a messy house? It's just a house. What if tomorrow I am not here? Or one of my kids or husband is not here?  Shouldn't I spend my time thinking of how I can make more memories with my family and friends then if my floors are sticky and there's food in my couches?
I think we need to take more time out of our days to look for things that we can be thankful for. I could complain all day long about this thing or that thing, I can complain about my husband laying on the couch, or I could be happy that I have a husband laying on the couch, right? It's all our perspective.  
I would love for everyone to feel what I feel right now. I wish I had the perfect words to make people understand that you dont' know how long you'll be here, so make your time here worth it. Be thankful for small things. Be thankful for your health. If you love people, tell them. Hug them, kiss them. If they are far away, call them. Email them. What if they are not here tomorrow? 
I am feeling very thankful today.  It's easy to look for all the bad things in life, and complain about them. Start looking for the good things, for the blessings, even as small as wiping a butt! Thank you God that I have a little girls butt to wipe, and that I am able to get up and wipe it for her. ;P

What are you thankful for today?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


God has provided me with some time this morning to read my bible and blog. Lately my kids have been getting up at the crack of dawn and not giving me much quiet time, so this is a blessing, and one I really needed too!
I like how I say that I want to blog more in one post, and God gives me reason to blog. I love how when I'm struggling going through a bible study with eating and I ask God to give me more love for him, to soften my heart so I care more about what I am eating, bbecause if I love God like I say I do, I want to obey him, and I want to love HIM more then food,  so he gives me reasons to love him more. God is so faithful.
Last week I had a cat scan of my abdomen done because my bilirubin levels were elevated, yesterday the doctor called, and said that there is a spot on my liver that they don't know what it is. He said the radiologist suggests a PET scan on it. Well, what do you know, I am having a PET scan next Monday at Mayo for my follow up. So I guess while they are looking at my head and neck, they can look at my liver too.  When my doctor told me that, my heart sunk. Fear set in. Worry set in. Unbelief set in.  I sent out my prayer requests to friends and family.
This morning, when I got up, I grabbed my bible and books and went to the couch. Usually I would check my mail first, but not today.
I prayed and ask God to speak to me about this. Again, he is faithful.  I literally stuck my fingers in my bible and picked a page. Ended up in Hebrews 3.  I won't give it to you verse by verse, but tell you what I got out of it.

~ Fix your thoughts on Jesus.
~ Warning on unbelief- See to it brothers, that none of you has a sinful unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.
~ We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

~ God's rest means peace  with God NOW because of our relationship with Christ through faith.
~ By rejecting God's provision (Christ) and not enduring in our faith, we miss the opportunity for spiritual rest.

My pastor Tommy has been doing a sermon series called the The belief project. He's has said every week now, " What we believe fully effects how we live our life"  Am I living what I believe if I worry about this? No. Because I believe that God is in charge of my life, and I believe that God loves me, and will only allow what is for my good and for his glory. That is what I believe, so why would I worry? God loves me and is in charge. So I need to act on that belief, live it, breathe it, and have peace. He's given me the gift of peace, am I going to take it? Or sit here for the next 6 days and worry? How silly would that be.
It's so obvious that God is near, and that people were praying for me last night, because this morning I have a completely different frame of mind then I did when I went to bed.
After reading my bible this morning I read a different devotional book I have called Jesus Calling, this book is written like it's Jesus talking to you. Open to March 1st, what does it say? (You should love this one, I sure did! God speaks again!)

March 1st-

WHEN SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE OR THOUGHTS makes you anxious, come to ME and talk about it. Bring me your prayer and petition with Thanksgiving saying " Thank you Jesus, for this opportunity to TRUST you more." Though the lessons of trust that I send to you come wrapped in difficulties, the benefits far outweigh the cost.
Well developed trust will bring you many blessings, not the least of which is my peace. I have promised to keep you in perfect peace to the extent that you trust in me.
The world has it backwards, teaching that peace is the result of having enough money, possessions, insurance, and security systems.MY peace however, is such an all encompassing gift that it is independent of all circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain My peace you are rich indeed. 

there it is friends. If I trust in him, I will have peace. Am I going to live and act on what I believe? I am sure going to try!!
That is my request for prayer this week, pray that I live out what I believe. That I have peace like a river, that I trust in God with my life and with my family, and of course, for a cancer free scan next Monday.
Have a peace filled day my sweet friends. God is in control.  xo