About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Friday, May 28, 2010


I hate to admit it, but I am feeling overwhelmed with all this cancer yucky-ness right now. Usually I am in bed over an hour ago, tonight my mind just keeps on going, and going........

Surgery was pretty awful. Obviously not the surgery itself since  I was asleep for that, but waking up, all I remember was a lot of shaking, a lot questions about pain and nausea. I was in the recovery room a lot longer then I should have been.  When I finally got back to my room, I just  remember feeling terrible, and the nurses kept  asking me  If I was ready to go home. It was like a cruel joke! I couldn't even  sit up straight and she wanted me to go home?  Eventually we all came to our senses and realized I was not going anywhere, as much as  I wanted to go home, and I know Kevin wanted to take me home. My poor husband was just beat from sitting there all those hours, then he had to go home without me.  :(  I hated to see him leave, but at the same time, was so out of it, the time passed quickly and then my sister was there to spend the night with me. Bless her heart. She  slept on the sofa/bed in my room, it's always a comfort to have someone there with you.
Yesterday morning Kevin came up with the kids, very early, like 8:45am, he was ready for me to go home. I on the other hand, was still feeling sick and not ready to move from the bed. So Kevin took the kids back home, and my dad came up and sat with me for a good 4 hours before I decided I was going to brave it and go home. I held that pink tub up to my mouth the entire way home, never looked up once. Can't believe I made it home without puking. I made it from the car to the couch. Stayed there till 9:30pm, then went up to bed. What a God awful day that was.
Today was better. Throat hurts but a lot of the sick feeling was gone. If I take the pain medication I feel drunk, which, frankly, I don't like feeling like that very much!  Finally figured out by afternoon if I take 1/2 of what he said, it calms the pain, and doesn't make me feel too woozy.
So the whole cancer on the tongue thing has thrown me for a loop. I thought it was only tonsils, so that really wasn't good news. Now I am freaking out about the treatments I am going to have to have, will I have more surgery? How terrible will that be? Will I need chemo? How sick will that make me? What about radiation? What will that do having it so close to my brain?  My head is full of the "unknown", and I don't like it!
I'm feeling pretty weak and scared right now. Please pray for me, for some peace, and hope that I am going to forge through this. That our family is going to make it through this and come out stronger and better then before. 

Even though the last few days have been really tough, i still have things to praise God for.

That the cancer wasn't found anywhere else.
That I had my husband there when I came out of the recovery room, and also to sit with me before surgery and make me smile and laugh and take away some of my fears.
That I have a sister that is willing to sleep in a hospital for me so I 'm not scared.
That my dad sat with me for four hours in my hospital room, even sometimes I was sleeping, he stayed.
For a sister in law who came over today and helped take care of my kids, and cooking and cleaning while I tried to chill out.
For my survivor friend Sarah, who answers all my questions and trys to calm my fears.

These are all gifts God has given me. Even feeling better today, enough to be up walking and talking is a gift.

Hoping tomorrow is a better, more positive day!


Update from Kevin (The husband)

Wednesday Amy had her tonsils removed along with the procedure where they search for sources of the cancer and take biopsies.  After the surgery the Doctor informed that he did see cancer in the back of the tongue and it may have spread into the right tonsil.  He told me that  there would be issues with removing it because of all the blood vessels that would be removed that supply blood to the remainder of the tongue.  There is also an issue with impacting swallowing and speech function if it is removed.  I believe radiation and chemo are the recommended methods of treatment.  Amy did not handle the anesthesia well.  When she woke up she had a lot of pain so they hit her with pain killers.  Then she had a lot of nausea so they hit her with drugs for that.  After about 3 1/5 hours in recovery she returned to her room.  She was very tired and felt sick from all the drugs and was unable to walk so she spent the night in the hospital where she remained until about 1:00 p.m. Thursday.  She remained very tired and felt sick all Thursday but was able to eat a bit.  Today her throat is very sore and painful.  The pain medicine helps but makes her very tired.  She tries not to talk a whole lot.  She is getting around a little bit now.  We talk with the oncologist on Tuesday of next week and perhaps will get recommendations for a course of treatment going forward within a week and a half.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Surgery day....

We'll be leaving in about a 1/2 hour for surgery. Why they make you get there 2 hours before hand is beyond me. Just more time to sit and think! lol.

I'll try to update tonight if I am feeling ok, otherwise tomorrow!

Here's my song for the day.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Moving forward....

I finally have some time to sit down and write. The kids are still awake and Autumn is in here coloring and talking to me so hopefully I won't skip around too much!
Yesterday I had my PET scan. That was an interesting experience. I have had a few appointments already at the new Aurora hospital and it's really nice, so I was expecting this to be a fairly pleasant experience. I brought a bible and an encouraging book along for Kevin to have something to do for 2 hours while I was doing the scan.  When she came to get me, I left him with the bible, book and my cell phone.
She walked me down a long hall, then to a semi-trailer. That's right. A semi-trailer. My PET scan was in a semi trailer! lol. Brand new hospital but they don't have their own PET scan machine so I guess they have this trailer drive up every Monday and they use this rented machine. How weird! So she sits me in a chair puts my IV in, injects me with the radioactive fluid and tells me i am going to sit in this chair for an hour. I asked where are the magazines to read, she said, "There are none. The best test is if you sit here and do nothing". Oh fabulous. I get to sit in this chair, in a trailer, with nothing to look at for an hour?? Actually it wasn't that bad. I watched her clean the trailer with wipes while I  waited for my body to absorb the goodies that would eventually cluster where there might be cancer in my body.
They did my top part of my body first, and right when she was bringing me out to turn me around to do the bottom half of my body, the old song, "Amy" came on the radio,. Made me smile. Singing in my head, "Aaaaammmmy, whatchyou gonna do? I think I can stay with you, for a while, maybe longer if I doooooo....." I'm pretty sure I was smiling when she pulled me out, she probably thought I was nuts. 
Anyway, we met with the doctor right after the appointment.  He seems like a very knowledgeable guy, seems to know his stuff. He looked in my mouth, up my nose, in my ears, did a lot of poking around, then went over the PET scans with us. Obviously he is not a radiologist, so he was only going by what he could see in the pictures. He was very patient with my questions and answered everything in great detail. 
This morning he called with the dictation from the radiologist. So the results came back high intake in the right tonsil, a little in the left, and high intake in the lymph node where my lump is. (Frank that is)
The plan right now is that tomorrow (Wed) he is removing my tonsils, while I am still asleep they get frozen and checked if they are indeed cancer. If they are, then he's pretty sure that is the source  of where it came from and will not take any other biopsies in my neck, which was what his original plan was.  He said if he sees anything suspicious looking, he will biopsy that also. So then, they will send my tonsils off to a pathologist for them to figure out if they are cancer, and what kind of cancer  it is. That will take 3 to 4 days. ( more waiting, I am learning some serious patience here) Then they will have a "tumor board meeting" where a bunch of them, like the pathologist, oncologist, surgeon, and whoever else get together and discuss my treatment plan. He said that "typically" they would do radiation on the lump site, but sometimes it may require chemotherapy , or surgery. So at this point, I'm pretty clueless what my treatment plan is going to be. Honestly, I am still counting on God to do something big like, oh maybe they go in and there is no cancer and the doctors are just baffled at how that can be. :)
Tonight we had community group at our house, for the first time. Our little church is growing and we are now hosting a group at our house, which I love! It was a real blessing to have them here tonight, the night before my surgery. I was totally blessed by them praying for not only me, but my husband and my kids and even my dad. It was touching. Lots of tears. The love and passion of these people just simply amazes me. 
One of the questions that was asked was what keeps us going in our faith, even through trials, and one thing that stuck out in my mind was how God is carrying me through this. He has allowed this trail in our life, but he simply picked me up and is carrying me through it. Giving me comfort and peace that I can't even believe I have. Last week a friend sent me a picture with the footprints saying on it. When I though tonight about how he is carrying me, it reminded me of that. One set of footprints. Not because he left me alone in this trail, but because he picked me up and carried me!! It only makes me love God more. He is amazing. So loving. He cares about me so much that he gives me peace in a time that I thought would be the scariest time of my life. The thing that I have feared since age 11 when my mom died, is no longer a fear anymore. He is showing me how much he loves me.  I never in a million years thought I would be able to say that God blessed me by allowing me to have cancer. wow.

Praising God for lots of things tonight. 

O LORD, you are my God;

       for in perfect faithfulness
       you have done marvelous things,
       things planned long ago.

Isaiah 25:1         

Monday, May 24, 2010

PET scan day

 Monday morning. It's PET scan day. God is good, I have no anxiety this morning.  I had an absolutely amazing weekend.
Thursday night I did a dumb thing, I was looking online at head and neck cancer and found some statistics. I got myself in a tizzy, thinking I'm going to die within 5 years because that's what the Internet told me. I was not looking to the Lord that night.  The next day i walked around in a funk and just couldn't seem to get myself out of it. Sat morning I took Jake to the chiropractor, and went grocery shopping, came home to find my brother in my driveway with his truck loaded up with patio furniture and a new grill for us. I just cried at his unbelievable generosity and love for us. He is such a loving brother, I am so blessed by how much he cares for me.
Saturday night I met with my sweet sweet  friend Mary at Starbucks. She is just another blessing that God has gifted me with.
She sat with me for 2 1/2 hours at Starbucks talking about cancer and our Lord. I can't express in words how much she filled my heart that night with words of comfort and wisdom. God was speaking through her. Things she reminded me of is that God is bigger than all of this. He is bigger then the doctors, and bigger then the statistics.  He is the ultimate physician.  He is in charge of my cancer, and my life.  I knew this , but it's so easy to forget these things. She gave me some really great advice, that when I am talking with doctors to look above their head and see who's standing over this. When they show  me xrays, to look above that picture and see my daddy Jesus standing there. Cause he IS there. Part of my fears too, were my kids and my husband.  I don't want m kids growing up without their mom like I did. I don't want my husband to lose another women he loves dearly to cancer. I want to be here for them.  Mary helped me to remember that these children, and Kevin, are not mine. They are God's. God loves Jake, Autumn, Ben, Gracie and Kevin more then I do. He knows what is best for them more then I do. Who am I?? He is God, I am only Amy. He cares for them so much, and whether I am here or not, HE will take care of them!! HE knows what is best for them!! Does that make me say OK Cancer you can have me? Oh no, I don't think so!! But it does give me comfort in remembering that he is their father and he loves them so much and he will take care of them, I don't have to try and fill God's shoes cause they are way to big for me to fill!!
He loves me, and he loves them, and he's in charge and that gives me comfort.
Sunday morning God also brought me lots of hope, and brought Kevin and I lots of love.  My church family is nothing but amazing. They cried with me. They hugged me, and held me and offered anything we need.

The sermon just happen to be written for me. ( not really! but it sure seemed like it!) It was about detours in our life. He talked about how we have our life all planned out. Like, I'm doing this in two weeks, in a year I'll do this, in 5 years I'll have this and go here and do that, but sometimes things don't go the way we planned. Sometimes a detour is placed in our path and we have to go a different way. A way that isn't what we planned, and we don't like it!
 I sure didn't have a cancer diagnosis in my plan! I forgot that my life is not my own, but it belongs to Jesus. 

Tommy said I can choose to curse the detour or make it powerful. This detour that I didn't plan could create something beautiful and amazing if I let it.
I like that.

He  also mentioned that we can be content to see what God will do. That is also something that made me think. Be content. Let God handle this. Quit scrambling around and listen to what he is trying to teach us here!

Pastor Tommy took time at the end of his sermon to pray for me. Everyone came over and put their hands on me as he prayed and we all cried! My bible that was in front of me on the chair was full of tears! God was so moving in church yesterday, just wrapping his loving arms around Kevin and I.  I was filled with positive thoughts. A young man came up and gave me a CD of his testimony, told m God worked a miracle in his life and wanted to share it with me. He made me weep with his love for me and we don't even know each other yet. We did listen to it when we got home and God sure did work a miracle in this young mans life with his health. God is able.  I am standing on these promises. God is bigger then this cancer and with him, we will get through this.  I asked God on the way to church yesterday, make yourself seen to me today. Boy did he ever.
My friend Becca said she felt the spirit when she was singing on stage, said God is going to do something big here. It gave me hope. I have hope in my God. Comfort in my God.Peace in my God.  I can't imagine going through this without knowing the Lord and having the church to support us through this.
God is good. He is blessing me through this cancer. Who would have thought? My biggest fear ever, getting cancer and I can say I am being blessed by it?
I am a little afraid of what the next few days will bring. I am not going to lie. I am afraid of hearing what they find on the PET scan, and afraid of getting surgery on Wed, but at the same time, I am feeling peace, that no matter what,  God is in charge. Someone that loves me more then anything and loves my family more then anything is in charge of this show. Thank the Lord!   I'm counting on God. Putting my faith and trust in him.  

The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
       the righteous run to it and are safe.  
Proverbs 18:10

Friday, May 21, 2010

God sings to me

Just a short little thing I wanted to note today.

Last night Jake had his middle school choir concert. This is a public school.  It was 7th and 8th graders plus high school.
The entire concert was gospel music. What are the chances of that?  The title of the concert was "Feel the spirit". Amazing. I felt like I was being sang to the entire concert.  One of the songs the words really hit me, It said, "This storm is just a test so I shall not be moved" Wow. I even wrote that down when I heard it.  I shall not be moved.  It's not going to knock me down.  Another song said, "Sing till the power of the Lord comes down". 
That's not all. The last song they sang, was written by some man, can't recall his name, but the guy wrote the song for the National Cancer society. So I go to my middle schoolers concert, at a public school and hear gospel music, and a song dedicated to having cancer. Coincidence? I think not.
God is here, involved in our little life, our small circumstances in this huge , huge world. He cares enough to do things like this. This was planned for a long time. How long have these kids been practicing these songs? And God knew that I'd be sitting in that seat, last night, hearing him speak through songs. Simply amazing. That is our God.  My daddy up in the sky. Simply Amazing.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I am honestly just amazed by God right now at the peace I have. I know it's him. I know it's all the people that are praying for our family right now. I feel it.
I have never quite understood the passage,  Philippians 4:7 ~ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Now, I understand it.  I have it. How can I have peace just being diagnosed with cancer, and still in the unknown about where the cancer is, how much of it there is, what I will be going through in the weeks and months to come? The ONLY answer is Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Thank you.

That verse has a whole new meaning to me these days.

Don't get me wrong, I am upset. I did have a really good let it all out cry this morning in the shower with the music on nice and loud. I am not by any means happy that I have cancer.  But I have peace about it, which is just, wow. Amazing.

Yesterday I mentioned that this has always been a big fear of mine, having cancer. Because I lost my mom to it, every time I'd get sick, I'd think, "oh no, i hope it's not cancer!"  I was telling my husband this morning that I've always prayed that I would never get cancer. That I would live to be a grandma.
I recall prayers in the last year, Telling God, " God I want to be closer to you, I want to know you more, I want to love you more, please bring me closer to you, BUT not through cancer! don't let anyone in my family get cancer" I was putting conditions on how he was going to bring me closer to him. 
A dear friend of mine sent me a message yesterday saying this ~  
"I read your blog today, and the part where you said you have always prayed to never get cancer has really struck me. It's like God wants you to get closer to Him in a way that no other journey except through your darkest fear would provide."

Wow. How profound. Really makes me ponder. Why? Why did he allow this in my life? Not having the pity party saying, "oh why me?" but, really, what is the reason he allowed it? I may never know. I do know however that he will be glorified through it, and hopefully whatever I go through will bring someone else to Christ.

I had another friend write something that was even more profound, it was this ~

"Dearest Amy
You have been found worthy to have your faith tested in a profound way.  What a noble calling. 
May you sincerely find that peace which surpasses all understanding in knowing God has plans for this and will never give us more than we could bare.  You will be closer to God and Jesus than ever before." 

There's a doosey. Is that how you spell that? Doozey? lol. Anyway, she thinks God finds ME worthy? Me?? 
Wow. Thanks God is kinda what I want to say. Actually, no thanks, I'll pass on the cancer thing, can we try something else? 
But I guess this is what God has chosen for me.  I'm going to stand on his promises that he is here for me. Holding my hand.

I printed off some verses for hubby and me that I'm going to carry around. When the devil wants to attack our minds, we can read this, and remember who our God is. Who our Rock is. Who's arms we can run to.

9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
      saying, ‘You are my servant.’
   For I have chosen you
      and will not throw you away.
 10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
      Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
   I will strengthen you and help you.
      I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
 11 “See, all your angry enemies lie there,
      confused and humiliated.
   Anyone who opposes you will die
      and come to nothing.
 12 You will look in vain
      for those who tried to conquer you.
   Those who attack you
      will come to nothing.
 13 For I hold you by your right hand—
      I, the Lord your God.
   And I say to you,
      ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.

Isaiah 41:9-13 (New Living Translation)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Three words I never wanted to say.

Well as I wrote in my last post, I had the biopsy last Friday. Yesterday (Tues) afternoon the doc called when I wasn't home and told Kevin he wanted to meet with us today. Kevin set up the apt for 8:30am this morning.
Last night was a horrible night for me. All the thoughts that went through my head about cancer, dying, my kids, my husband. Why do doctors do that to you? Make you wait so long to find out what is wrong?

Well, we met with him this morning and my sister watched the kids. He told me what I knew was coming.
I have cancer.  Those are the words I never, ever wanted to have to say.
Since losing my mom to cancer at age 11, I have always feared getting cancer. It's been my one consistent prayer throughout my life, please don't let me get cancer. 
So here I am.  I can't even remember everything that was said in that room this morning. Thankfully he gave me a printout and Kevin was there to write some things down.
So far what the report said was, " it is worrisome for a metastatic squamous neoplasm." Also, it says " suggests squamous differentiation. "

Basically what "metastatic" means is that this cancer did not start in the lump in my neck.   It originated somewhere else, they are thinking probably in my head or neck region. So the next step is a PET scan. This will show brightness in areas that could be cancer, so they might be able to tell from that where it originated.
I think I will be having that next Monday the 24th.

Then on Wed the 26th I will be having a procedure called Laryngoscopy. I will be put to sleep and they will go in with a lighted tube and do biopsy's of certain areas, like my throat, tonsils, I forget where else, as I said, I probably missed half of the things he said in there today.

After that, we see what the biopsy's say and if they can find cancer anywhere else. That will determine treatment after that.

So....now it's back to the waiting and wondering game until next week. Lord help me. I know I will be needing to lean on the Lord so much these coming days.

Amazingly I am feeling much more calm today then I was last night. Maybe it's because I have more information, maybe it's because of all the prayers.

My verse for the day ~

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Phillipians 4:6-7

Monday, May 17, 2010

Blessed by "the church"

This morning I was thinking, which blessings in my life should I write about, and the people I spent my day with yesterday were the first to come to mind. 

We have been at Mercy Hill church.  for a full year now. I feel so blessed that God led us to this church.
By church I mean the people. The wonderful, caring, non judgemental, loving, people that have became part of my family in this last year.

This is church like I had not known in the past, it's not just show up on Sunday morning listen to a sermon and see you next week.  Our church is like a family. It's small, (for now at least) and everyone genuinely cares for one another. When I go there on Sunday mornings, I feel like I am going to have breakfast with family and learn about Jesus together. It's a comfort to me. It's my favorite day of the week that I get to spend time with these brothers and sisters.

God has not only provided lots of friendships, but friendships with people who really love Jesus, and want to be closer to him, and want their lives to change. Friendships with people that want to be together more then once a week, that have a hunger to learn about God. It's just what I needed. God has been so good to us by bringing us to this church.

Honestly, I could spend my entire Sunday in that middle school with these people, it would make my day. :)

Of course there were many more blessings this weekend.  I was free of worry about my neck. I know God brought that comfort to me. All the prayers from friends and family, God answered those prayers. I have not worried about "Frank" all weekend.  That is a real blessing!!

On Friday my husband set up a trampoline for our kids. Ben especially is in trampoline heaven. He pretty much lives on the thing. I never thought I'd allow one of those in my yard. Never! I have always hated them, and didn't even want my kids on them, so I am amazed at my heart change. It's what little boys with big blue eyes can do to a parent. lol.
It's been a blessing to see how happy it makes my kids. That we had the money that we could buy something like that for them. It's also another way that God keeps me close to him, because I have to lean on him with my anxieties of one of my kids breaking their neck on that thing. lol.  
I best be getting off of the computer now and getting some reading done before the kids wake up.
I'll be looking for God today and writing about it tomorrow. :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Sigh of relief...............

Well the biopsy wasn't as terrible as I expected. Of course. I had myself so worked up over this needle biopsy, I took two Valium before the apt and they didn't even effect me.lol. I mean, I drove to Starbucks and home just fine!
Anyway, as of right now, I am going to take the advice of others and live the next 4 or 5 days like everything is A-ok until I hear otherwise instead of thinking of what these pathology results may be.

The doc was very positive about my biopsy, mainly because when he looked at, and showed me my ct of the lump, he said, it was very round, with nice edges, said it was not a lymph node, and he thought it was a cyst.
When he got the needle in and started drawing fluid, he said, yep, I'm pretty sure it's a cyst. After he removed it I asked how he knew that, and he said, he didn't know for sure, but what came out was yellow puss. (gross I know!) He said, it's probably an infected cyst.  I hope he's right! He said I will get results back by Tues or Wed of next week. IF it is a cyst, then it still has to come out by surgery, but that wouldn't be for six weeks, because I have to take antibiotics, and also because he stuck a needle in it today and messed with it, it needs to close back up and  be a nice little healed cyst, easier to take out I guess. If it is not just a cyst, then the surgery won't be six weeks away. 
So I guess now I wait. I have to say, I am relieved that the biopsy is over with. Even though, it really wasn't as bad as I thought. I guess I really am a baby. lol.

The blessings are that I felt the prayers, and God sure did ease the pain of that biopsy. :) 
It's a little sore now, but nothing to complain about. Life goes on as normal until Tues or Wed.
Hubby was there to hold my hand and ask me, "Do you want to talk about the budget?" while I had the procedure done. ( I hate talking about the budget!) lol.

I am blessed by all the people who prayed, and sent messages, and just cared about me. That means SO much.

So I am praising God, for a uneventful, not to painful biopsy, and all the comfort and support from everyone.
I think I will sleep well tonight. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
      my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
   He is my shield, the power that saves me,
      and my place of safety.

Psalm 18:2

Friends blog

I need to share. See, this is how God works. On a day when I am needing him and his comfort, he knows how to send it to me.

After finishing my last post, I decided to look at a few friends blogs to see what's been going on in their life.
I find this~ tell me this isn't God speaking........check out the link.  Thanks Luanne for letting God speak through your writing..... :)


What does God want?

I was just sitting on the couch talking to my kids, and a thought came into my head about this whole "lump" thing. I've  been being pretty selfish, thinking about myself and my life, and what is going on with the lump, and not thinking so much about what GOD wants. It's been more about, what does Amy want? I don't want to get a biopsy, I don't want to feel pain, I don't want to have cancer, God please take this from me, please don't let this be cancer, please don't let me feel pain. It's all been about me!
I think I wrote about a book I was reading a few posts back, and the author says,  "God is more concerned with changing you to be a reflection of Christ then with solving all your problems"  Ouch.  How could I forget that in this time? I was too consumed with myself.
What does God want to use me for?  He allowed this lump in my neck for a reason, what is it? Have I been asking him how he wants to use this for his glory? I am now.
If this can give someone else hope, or bring someone else to Christ, or change someone elses life, then it's worth it. That is what God wants. I pray he uses me and this lump to help someone else.

and how could I forget this?

Romans 5:3-4
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering  produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope

I pray that Jesus uses whatever he is allowing me to go through today and ever day, to glorify him. To bring more people to know Jesus, more people to have faith in him, and hope in him.  
I should feel honored that he would choose me.

God is at work.

He loves me, and he loves all of his children. Maybe there is someone he is trying to reach through me?

We sang a song at church last Sunday, and the words were something like take my life, take all of me.
I sang it. Did I mean it?
Am I willing to give all of me to him to use for his glory?
I think so.
I hope so.
I pray that God changes my heart to be genuine for him, that I am willing to let him use me for whatever he needs to use me for.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
Psalm 73:25

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Feeling scared.......

OK, So I saw the Ent today, (second opinion) and he thinks I need to have a needle biopsy first before I have surgery. The results for the needle biopsy will take 2 to 3 days, since I'm having it done on a Friday , I probably won't know anything till next Tues or Wed, and that means no surgery on Monday. Arrgggg.............. 

I am stressin! He said that they can tell many things from a needle biopsy, and thinks I should not just go and have surgery on Monday when they don't even know what they are dealing with.
I guess I am glad I went for a second opinion, but  at the same time I'm scared about this biopsy! At least with surgery I would have been asleep, this I won't. Of course like an idiot I asked, "Does it hurt?" He just seriously said, "Yes". I said, "Can I bring my husband?"  He said I could. Then I asked, "Can I take valium?" lol. He said sure. Goodness, I am a baby, but I don't like pain!!

Blessing for the day so far ~ I have a husband that can hold my hand during this procedure tomorrow and a sister to watch my kids.  

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
       my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
       He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 18:2 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Lumps and blessings.......

Latest update on Frank the pain in the neck...........

Yesterday I visited yet another doctor that my friend asked if I'd be willing to see before I have Frank removed from my body.
She is a Md, but also into more preventive medicine and natural healing. (kinda like oils, lol)
So I met with her yesterday. To say the least, it was not a pleasant visit to the Dr office.  I guess they are not used to having kids there because one of the receptionist was losing her temper with my kids playing with their water cooler and knocking over their wall divider. ( I don't understand what her stress was about? lol) Maybe I was just calm from all the Lavender I had on my body. lol. Anyway, after the initial 1/2 hour in the waiting room, the appt itself too about 5 min. She said my ear was red inside, maybe it's infected? She said she'd give me something for that, I said, I've already been on antibiotics for 10 days. "Oh" she says. She feels the lump and says, well, I would get a second opinion before you have a lymph node removed, here's the name of a really good ENT doc and sends me on my way. Not sure if that was worth the hassle or not, but no matter, it's over with.
So, I decided to go ahead and get a second opinion from another ENT, as sick of doctors as I am, I couldn't resist the chance to take three kids to another appt. So that one is tomorrow, then the pre-op appt with the other ENT is Friday, so the kids and I will be having lots of  excitement the next two days.  
I have to say, that I am getting weary with the entire "lump" situation.  Today I reached a point where I am just thinking, Monday can't come soon enough, I am just ready to have this surgery, get Frank off my back neck, and find out what it is.
I'll admit, today I was doing a little worrying again, which I hate!  So if you are praying for me, please say prayers to cast Satan away from me and my mind to focus back where it belongs , On Jesus.
Pray for patience for me at these appointments with my kids, and that they behave and be quiet, lol.

Blessings for the day ~ I'm here. I am able to stay home with my kids and love on them and watch them grow. I have a sweet  husband that loves me, I have a little blue eyed girl standing in front of me explaining why her socks might be wet........... ;)

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
 Hebrews 10:23

Young Living essential oils..

I thought I’d blog about this new excitement I have in my life. Lol. 
I was recently introduced to a company called Young Living. They are an mlm company that produces high quality organic essential oils.  I had never heard of this company which is pretty amazing in itself.
I have never in my life used oils on my body!
Here’s just another blessing from God.  I posted something on face book one day about my lump. A friend responded and asked had I heard of Young living oils? She said they might have something that could help the lump. (Frank). So I googled it, and found a lady named Barb who is an Rn who also does aromatherapy and is part of Young living. So I met with her at Starbucks one day, with all 3 kids. By the end of that hour Gracie was standing on a table peeking at the workers. They were laughing, I was not....  We sat and talked and she showed me some oils, told me their uses and I decided I was going to give this a shot. I sure didn’t want to have surgery if something could help me. After all, the doc said give it a few weeks and see if it goes down so I thought, what the heck! I’m going to try and get it to go down!
Anyway, these oils have become a new hobby of mine. Lol. I am really enjoying reading about which oils can do what for different aliments. It’s pretty interesting!!
To my amazement, they have worked for me for several different things, I am quite sure my lump has shrunk just a little bit. Whether it be a swollen lymph node, a tumor, cancer, whatever it is, it did shrink in size a bit from the oils. Not only that, but I put some lavender on two scars on my chest, one is gone already and the other is fading fast! I have used the peppermint and lavender for headaches, and the Peace and calm for relaxation and sleep! I’ve also used the Panaway on my sore neck and shoulder muscles and it helped a ton!  They work! My hubby is a skeptic, he likes to poke fun at what some of the oils claim they can do, but I’m actually quite impressed with them.
So this has led me to further thinking lately, on perhaps becoming a massage therapist someday. Why? I don’t know, something neat to do, to help people, and I could use my oils while doing the massages. I’ve always had thoughts in the back of my mind that I should be doing something that helps people. For awhile I thought that was maybe a nurse? Or a psychologist? Therapist? Or maybe  helping people by doing biblical counseling? I never really knew, and still don’t but the thought of doing massage and using the oils and helping others is appealing to me.
I guess the thing about this is, when I became a distributor, it wasn’t because I was looking to jump into an mlm again! I have had my share of those, and it never worked out. I did Market America, Mary Kay, Lia Sophia, I just wasn’t the “sales lady” type!  I just can’t sell a thing! Lol. But after using these oils, I just can’t help but tell people about them because they are working for me and I know they could work for other people too! I guess you could say I'm excited about it!
So my poor husband might have to deal with me trying out a new adventure again. Thankfully, he’s usually pretty supportive of me, but doesn’t understand why I bother. Lol.
So that’s my new entertainment is reading all about using essential oils.  God’s not messing around when he says he wants me to take care of my body. Look at all the new things he’s put in my life that I wasn’t doing before.
Eating lots of raw foods, chiropractor visits, acupuncture, massage, essential oils.
Who knew?    :)
Oh, and here's my websites in case anyone wants to take a peek.


This one is oil testimonials. You can type in any aliment and see how the oils have helped others. Pretty neat.


Monday, May 10, 2010

Quiet time and healing

Honestly, I didn't have to look real hard for traces of God today.

There were many blessings in this day!

This morning I was able to get a doc appointment with a doc that a friend referred. A MD that practices some holistic medicine also. Her waiting list for new patient appts is a few months out. I was able to get an appt for tomorrow morning. Wonder who's fingerprints were on that?

My dad came over and painted, a job that my husband loathes. Another blessing.

My niece and friend came over for a 2 hour visit. Love girl time.

When hubby came home from work, 3 kids went out to play and one fell asleep on the couch.  Another thing that never happens, we had time to have a conversation!  :)

And last but not least, the biggest blessing of the day ~ Frank is shrinking. Praise God.

I may not be in the clear, but having that lump get a little smaller is a blessing to me.
God is faithful. 

 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.

Deuteronomy 7:9

My young man

3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
       children a reward from him.

Psalm 127:3


Just a little shout out for my sweet son Jake.  I'm so proud to be his mom. He wrote me the sweetest letter for mothers day. Not something I would expect from my 13 yr old.

Jake your an awesome, awesome son. I love you with all my heart. Your such a blessing in my life. Thank you so much for the sweet letter you wrote me. I love you.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

It's Mothers day. 1:56 in the afternoon to be exact and my house is quiet and peaceful. I am alone in my house. This is a very rare happening! :)
3 kids outside and one with daddy, what a gift! 
This day has already been a precious day to me, and It's real easy for me to see God in my life today.
This morning, I was blessed in so many ways at church. I was given love by so many people, I don't know how anyone can go without a church family. Lots of concern over frank, friends telling me that they have been praying for me, a sweet friend offered to bring dinner over the day of my surgery, another had a doc they wanted me to call for 2nd opinion and advice on a natural alternative, and even Pastor Tom, who is on a serious time schedule to get to the other church for service, took the time to stop and ask how things are going and tell me that he prayed for me with others at a leaders meeting. How blessed am I?  My kids came out of class with clay pots, that they planted dirt and flowers, and colored on the pots, brought tears to my eyes when they brought them out! Those are the best gifts ever, something your child brings to you, with those bright eyes and says, Happy Mothers Day. How glorious. Those precious kids don't know how they can make my day with their simple gestures, not to mention the mom that planned that project  in their classroom, what a sweet thought she had.
The Pastor also gave all of us mom's a Starbucks card for coffee, I was so excited I spilled the coffee I was drinking! lol.
Today was a real easy day to see God's hand and see him working all over the place to give me joy and comfort, even though Frank is still hanging around. 

I forgot to blog yesterday, but I can point out a few places that I could praise him and see him during the day. In the morning I had a friend tell me that her and her husband prayed together for the first time the night before, that is an answered prayer. I was also blessed with watching another friends children last night, and getting my baby fix, just holding a sleeping baby is a blessing to me.

He's there, when we look for him. I think it will be pretty easy to daily to find a hint of God's workings in my life. So many days we get grumpy and complain, at least I do! So I am going to make a real effort to find the joy, the blessings, the little things and places where I can see God everyday.

I am blessed to be a mom this mothers day.

Her Children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises  her.
Proverbs 31:28

Friday, May 7, 2010

Praising God

Last night we had women's bible study,  it's one of my most favorite things to do, hang out with the girls and talk about Jesus. We always seem to have such great conversation and I feel closer to these girls after every study. Last night our study was about attitude and praising God.  Sometimes we forget to praise God. Actually a lot of the time we forget to praise God.
Sometimes we tend to look at our big God as a genie in the sky, we just throw up our requests and wait for him to answer our prayers, and when he doesn't he is no longer such a good God.
I am guilty of this. I can go days without counting my blessings or looking for God in my daily activities. He's always there, I just  need to look for him.
I've decided that everyday I am going to look for things I can praise him for, and try to remember to blog about it.
Although I've had my share of hard days latley with "Frank" I can think of some positive things that have came out of getting this lump.
For one, I have completley changed my eating habits. I am no longer eating junk, and to be honest, I feel pretty good eating healthy and so far, he is helping me not to miss the sweets too much. Last night, I passed up eating cookies, which is pretty big for Ms. Sweet tooth that I am.
There's a blessing right there.
Also, thinking that Frank could potentially be cancer, has really helped me to appreciate the small things in life, like sitting in a chair in the backyard, enjoying the sunshine, and ignoring my housework. lol.
It's made me take more time to watch and enjoy my kids, and look at them with more love then ever before. The small things they do that used to irritate me just don"t irritate me so much anymore. I feel thankful to  be alive and with them.
God is good. He has brought me to realize how precious our time here is, and that it can be taken away from us so easily. Not to take things for granted, I appreciate my husband more, and the sacrifices he makes for our family. Pretty amazing what a lump named frank can do. Pretty amazing that I am comforted, even in a time when I could be full of anxiety. God is good! as my sister in law Debbie always says. :)

The lump

I have decided to blog about my lump in my neck because I know that God has allowed this in my life for a reason, and I want to have note of what God is doing and will do with this in the future.
Without writing every detail that has happened in the last month, the short story is that I started with sinus infections and headaches and somehow ended up with this lump on the side of my neck that is now named Frank thanks to my friend Allie and my bible study girls.
Frank was found on the 13th of April. I’ve been trying to get him to leave since the day he was noticed.
No one seems to know quite sure what Frank is, or why he’s on my neck. The ENT doc seems to think it’s a lymph node, but why is it enlarged?
The only way to know for sure, is to remove it. The surgery is scheduled for May 17th.
Until then, I am acting as if it is a swollen lymph node and doing everything I can to get it to go down before the date of surgery so I don’t have to have the surgery.
I am eating a raw food diet of fruits and veggies, taking a lymph cleanse, and an antibiotic.
Of course Frank has caused me anxiety over the last few weeks but I can see God’s fingerprints all over this thing.
My God has a way of pulling me in and close to him when I’m not feeling so close to him.
I am so thankful these days that I know the Lord and have him in my life because if I didn’t I sure would be a wreck right now.
Oh the devil likes to torment me some days and fill my head with worry. He loves it when he can get me to play the game of “what if’s”. I hate to admit, but some days he is successful.
But as a follower of Jesus, I am trying not to have “what if’s” and just think on what is true, lovely and right!
Phillipians 4:8~ 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 But some days it’s hard. Some days I feel overwhelmed with emotion from this entire thing, and the bad thoughts take over. I look at my kids and want to cry thinking about leaving them, about dying. That’s the devil hard at work trying to make me miserable.

God doesn’t want me to worry, he says so in Philippians 4:6-7 ~

 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And 1 Peter 5:7 ~ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

A verse that has become dear to my heart lately is this one- Isaiah 41:10,13 ~

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
       do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
       I will strengthen you and help you;
       I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

13 For I am the LORD, your God,
       who takes hold of your right hand
       and says to you, Do not fear;
       I will help you.

He’s with me, right by my side. He’s my strength, he helps me, he upholds me, he is holding my hand, like a small child walking next to her daddy, he’s there, holding my  hand, I have nothing to fear.
I love that. When I sit and think about it comforts me.

I have been reading this book Lies that young women believe and she said something in there that I have been thinking on lately, it’s this ~

God is more concerned with changing you to be a reflection of Christ then with solving all your problems.

Wow. That’s really profound in my mind.   His goal isn’t to make my life wonderful and pleasant, but to make me more like Jesus. Hmmm.

I think about something that he’s changed with this lump real quick and it’s my eating habits.
I struggle with eating too much and mostly junk.  As the bible would call it, gluttony, or sin. I go up and down with this and it’s pretty frustrating.
I was struggling with it again recently and recall asking God to help me not to be a glutton. Well, he sure took care of that. Lol. Eating a raw diet of fruits and veggies, it’s pretty hard to over eat! Lol.  Thanks God.  Sometimes I have to wonder is that why he allowed Frank to make a home on my neck?  Is he trying to teach me that I need to take care of my body and eat right or I will die?   That I need to be obedient and self controlled with my eating or my body might do something terrible like contract cancer?  Some days I really pray that’s what he’s trying to show me and that I don’t have cancer, but I tend to keep in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe it is cancer. Then what?
I try to keep my focus on him. That he is in control of my life and he already knows what tomorrow is going to bring for me and my family.
That if he allows me to have cancer, he will be taking care of my family during that time and he’s allowing it for a reason and will make some good of it.
Losing my mom at 11, I worry about my kids growing up without their mom like I did. It’s a hard sobering thought. It’s been my biggest fear that the devil likes to taunt me with, even before I had Frank, having cancer has always been a fear of mine.  I  want to be here for my kids, I want to watch them grow up, hopefully be a good enough example that I can lead them to the Lord, I want to be a grandma, me and Autumn talk about me taking her kids to Mcdonalds some day. I really want that, so the thoughts and what if’s can be, well, depressing!
I was reminded one day, I think it was a daily email I got or something but it reminded me that God loves my kids, and he not only loves them, but he loves them more then I do. I can’t imagine someone loving them more then I do, but I believe that’s a true statement. So if he loves them more then me, which is a lot, then he’s going to watch over them. Then even if he took me out of this world, like he did my mom, he will take care of my kids, because really, they are not my kids, they are HIS.
So really then, what is there to worry about? If I focus on God, nothing!