About You

You are LOVED by God. There is nothing you can do, or can't do to make him love you more or less. He loves you because he loves you. Because you are His child.

More then your past
Worth it
A treasure
You matter.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

He speaks through others

I just have to share.

About an hour ago, I was on the couch, with my husband. Crying. Feeling utterly overwhelmed.  Trying to figure out how I am going to organize, get ready, do school, be mom, be a wife, keep up with the kids, the house, the cleaning, the laundry, devotions, dishes, dogs..............How do I do it all alone?

I took my pity party to the computer and opened up this blog~

and He spoke.

Your not alone. Your feelings are normal. Everything is OK and will be OK. Calm down. Look at Me. Keep your eyes on Me. Be thankful. Rest in Me

Oh God.

It's hard.

The last few weeks I've been trying to "figure it all out" , how will I do school, what do we need to change with our schedules to make it work, how do I organize, what circ do we use, how do I get Ben to behave, what am I doing wrong, why am I not a better wife and mother, Is there enough hours in the day for all I need to do?
Am I enough?

Can I do it all?

God never fails me.

This morning my devotional  said~

Weak ones like me must live by faith......
depending on him.......
to get me through the day.

He wants me to lean on HIM continually......
trusting him to guide and strengthen me............

and what do I do? Turn around and try to figure it all out myself. Ask my husband for help.......

When who I need is HIM.

I need constant reminders, who I need is HIM. Only HE can give me what I need on a daily basis.

Isaiah 40:28-31

28Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

29He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength.

30Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

High school........

Loss. Sadness. Grieving. I can feel loss in the depth of my soul today. I cried in the shower this morning as if my heart had been ripped out.  If you saw me with my swollen eyes, you'd think that I had just had death of a loved one. I guess it's a death in a different sense.My oldest son went to high school today. (Great, I'm crying again!)
Who would think that I'd be this emotional over this? Yes, I cry every year on the first day of school, and you could probably look back on the blog to last Sept and find something similar, but It seems every year the loss seems deeper in my heart.
The last month or so God has been doing some serious work in my heart when it comes to my children.
It started with tossing the thought around of not homeschooling my younger three. After all, I'm no good at being a teacher, and my kids don't listen, and they fight, etc, etc. But God quickly sent others to help me see the light again and the reason why I was homeschooling in the first place.
I came across a wonderful blog that convicted me of the time I "spend" with my kids, and how much of it is quality time and investing on building relationship with them, not just being in the same house as them,doing cleaning, cooking, computer time, and hanging out while we are all together. That isn't spending time w/them.
Not really anyway.   God has just really had me thinking lately about my kids and what I am investing in their little souls.
At the same time another issue started weighing heavily on me. Ben, my sweet son, has been having some anger issues.
This led me to asking for prayer from my girlfriends, to seeking out books and reading them to try and figure out how to "fix" this issue we have.
God is teaching me grace and how to give grace to my children. (and of course although the book is about your children I am also convicted about giving my husband grace too).
This entire whirlwind of emotions and now one of them leaves for high school.

High school.............

I remember when he was a baby, like yesterday, dropping him off at daycare and crying all the way to work.   The time went by too quickly. Now it's high school. If those 14 years went by this quickly, the next 4 will go by faster. High school today, college tomorrow, then I'll watch him walk down the isle and start his own life.   Letting go is hard.
I think to myself, did I get enough time in with him? My heart says no.  When he's at school all day and comes home and has to do homework   and spend a little time with friends, how much time do I get to pour love into him? To teach him about our Lord?  So many thoughts spinning through my mind this morning and I sat down at my computer and put something on facebook about how I checked in on Ben this morning and he was crying in his bed and I asked what the matter was and he responded, " Jakey". He too was missing his brother.
Then I looked up.
Looked up at my daily calender and it says,
 Psalm 46:10.

Oh thank you Jesus. I so needed that reminder! Wheeww. That's right, YOUR GOD.  I just need to give this to him. 

I also noticed a quote on facebook from Joyce Meyers, it said this~

"The difficult things you are going through now can help you gain experience for the future. If you can’t get rid of them, get all the value you can from them."

Wise words.

I know that this pain of having one go off to school helps confirm my decision to keep the other ones schooling at home. But there's still a question in my mind, if Jake should be home too.
That's where I need to be still and let God take care of the details...........

Friday, August 19, 2011

Some hope I needed today.

Oh, I just have to share this, it touched me so much. I have been struggling with pain in my neck and stupid fears the last week or so that got worse the past few days.  Even in my devotions, I have been struggling with fear about the devotions. I know, ridiculous. Stupid  Satan.
I get a blog delivered to my email daily, which led me to another blog today. One I have never heard of, but of course will now be a follower of that one too. (Like I have time to be reading all these blogs, lol)

I was paging through this blog and hit the button on Homeschool to see what she had to say about that. Well I just got hit in the face with one of God's blessings. One of his healings, and a story that brought me right to tears of joy.
Here's the link.

I was pleasantly surprised at the end to find out that her mother was still living to see her grand kids. All I could say at the end of that posting was PRAISE GOD. Thank you Jesus. I so needed a post like that today to give me hope, that just because I had cancer does not mean I'll die in two years like my mom did. That there is a chance I could still be around to see my children have babies.
I love how God led me to find that blog post today. What a blessing.  :)
God is so good. This afternoon I emailed my "mom" and asked her for prayer for my fears.  Here God is answering prayers already. 

I have to just share the posts that took me there.......

Monday, August 15, 2011

School decision

I wanted to share that we have decided to home school another year. Honestly, I am not sure what I was thinking. I think I lost my focus because times got tough. Homeschooling is not easy, but who ever said it would be?  I did one year with only Autumn, then last year It was Autumn and Ben. Trying to do school with a 5 year old boy is really not "fun".
Then of course I had Gracie who needed something every time we sat down to do school. lol.
I am not a very disciplinary mom to begin with. I'm too "lax". So trying to be a lax mom, and then putting on the teacher hat, well, it doesn't work so well. There are some things I need to work on!
But the fact that it got hard was not an excuse to quit and send them to school. When I put out my request asking for prayer on homeschooling, God sent me many people to support me, and to remind me of why I was homeschooling to begin with, and give me gentle pushes to keep going. He sent me emails from other home school moms who also doubt themselves and their abilities, and moms that have hard times just like I do. What a blessing that was.

I'd like to share a few things people said to me. 
 One of the first responses I got was from a friend at church, who happens to be a young married women who was home schooled herself. . This email was probably the most impactful of them all, even though it was short and sweet and to the point, God really got me thinking from this~

"Hi Amy,

God has been laying it on my heart to remind you:

Do not make this decision based on whether or not you CAN do this, because that is irrelevant - If God calls you to something he will equip you for it. Determine if you have been called to home school and that will be the only answer you need.

I will be praying for wisdom for you and Kevin."

This email REALLY got me thinking. I think it may have been the email that made me realize I was not to quit just because it was hard last year.  I could so easily say, " I can't do this", " I am not cut out for this", but I don't believe that would be God's will. When God calls us to do things, they are usually not easy tasks!
So many things he asks us to do are hard and against the worlds ways, why would homeschooling be any different??
This was the first email I received. Direct and to the point. I thought on it long and hard and read it over and over.
Then the floodgates opened and emails poured in of support in homeschooling. God is so good.
I want to share some of the emails with you.

"Some things that help me? Well, every year in August, I make a list of why I home school. I also come up with some goals for the year. I recently came across this on a homeschooling blog. "This year I will encourage interests...stretch minds...engage hearts...disciple...point the direction...lead the way...look for mastery...wait for understanding...take longer...listen more...laugh...light fires." I liked that because it is too often easy for me to focus on teaching them the specifics they are supposed to know, and not encourage my children or disciple them to be more like Christ. Other reasons I home school: because I take Deuteronomy 6:1-9 to apply to us still today. We are to teach our children God's word as we go through life. I truly believe that I do that better and more effectively when I have them home with me. If they were in school all day, that would take away so much valuable time to teach them to be more like Christ."

"Dear Amy,I’ve been sitting in your shoes many times; do I continue on homeschooling or put my children (3 of them) in school? I can honestly say when I began this journey ( over 12 years ago), the Lord had to drag me into homeschooling kicking and screaming! Every year was bathed in prayer and still is. I am not terribly organized and have to be really careful not to compare myself to other homeschooling moms because I always feel like I don’t do enough or measure up. Now, my oldest son  (16 years – 17 in the fall) is officially done being home schooled! He will finish up his senior year of high school at UW Waukesha getting dual credit for high school and college, play soccer for the homeschool team here in Waukesha and right now is on a missions trip in Dominican Republic. Dan has such a heart for the Lord and that was the goal. The Lord has been so incredibly faithful!! I can’t tell you what to do, but for me now that I have come out the other side…. IT WAS SO WORTH IT!! Whatever the Lord gives you to do will not be easy because if it was you wouldn’t need Him. I hope this was encouraging to you and I will be praying for you and your husband. "



We don't know each other but I want you to know that I am a homeschooling mom of three . . aged 18, 15 and 13. My 18 year old daughter is leaving for college in a few weeks. She's been accepted into the honors program at Augsburg College - a small ELCA school in Minneapolis. I tell you this because you should also know that every single day I feel like I am failing my own kids. That we don't do enough, learn enough, or work hard enough. I thought that I'd feel differently, like I was successful at homeschooling when they all learned to read. I didn't. Then I thought I'd feel that way when they all got to the point where I could assign work and just monitor them but I didn't. I thought maybe when my daughter gets to highschool, or does well on the ACT or gets accepted to college I would feel like I did a good job. I still don't . . . and now I worry that she will struggle in college. I wonder if I was too easy, didn't ask enough of her, didn't teach her well. But when others look at her and talk to me about her they tell me about a confident, self assured young woman who will have her struggles but who also has the drive and ability. Because she is her own best teacher. Now it doesn't matter what I taught her, it matters what she teaches herself and homeschooling is the best way to learn how to teach yourself. I pray she'll do well . . . I hope she might. And someday I hope I feel like a successful homeschooling mom. My point? We all doubt ourselves, and we are all so close to our kids we might not see what others see so clearly developing in our own children. Hang in there . . you'll make the right choice for your family . . .and know that you aren't alone in the self doubt club :) We're all here together :)"


"Good Morning Amy,

I was there - where you are at right now. Those days when I felt I was in over my head. Those days when I felt I was failing my husband and my children. Those days when I just wanted to put my kids into a school system.

But God is good!!!!!!!!!!.

I was called to home school my children. If this is your call from God you must consider every step you take. Parents home school for may reasons and quit for many reasons. This was a passion with me that God placed in my heart from the beginning............actually I was given a passion to home school . . . before I was married. . . before I had children. I saw God's hand in this and that is what always gave me the strength to forge ahead - even when I didn't think I could - - - even when I felt I had failed.

You must sit down and decide WHY you are home schooling your children. Ask WHY God wants you to home school your children.

To fast forward. . . . my children are not 19years old (just beginning her second year in college) - my son is 17 years old (starting his senior year in high school) and my youngest is 15 (starting her sophomore year in high school). They are 2 years apart - been home schooled all their life - and are headed for eternity.

People constantly told me I was short changing them by home schooling them - they questioned me and my motives. But I always went back to the word of God - I knew this was what I was called to do. I was called to train them for eternity - - - not for 30 years as a successful lawyer - - - or 40 years as a successful nurse. We (Christians) are passing through this world - we need to leave our stamp - we need to reach the lost - we need to raise our children to be radically different then most of the culture - we need to raise 'David's' and 'Samuel's' and others who are ready to take a stand for JESUS.

Can the public school do that? Can you do that if you only see your children at the end of a long school day.

I heard someone say once that even if we do nothing as a home school mom - we are way ahead of the public schools and all the humanism they will be teaching our children.

What you are doing is blessed of God Amy - time will tell.

I am at the end and I will never regret the fact that we chose to home school. My children are wonderful - they are my best friends - they are all teenagers - they all love the Lord. I don't know what will happen tomorrow - but I know that as parents we tried our best.

When your kids are young it seems like an eternity - the days move slowly - and most of the pressure is on you as the mom - but wait a few years and you will reap the benefits if you do not grow weary.

Hang in there Amy (forgive me for going on and on) - God is on your side. Rejoice in that !!!!

Blessings from another home school mom"



wow, I know you posted that message for you, but our great God knows I needed it too. Today was day 3 of homeschooling and literally, I broke down in tears more than once. I have a 9 yr. old son, 6 yr. old son, 4 yr. old son, and brand new baby girl 2 1/2 mths (who won't nap longer than 1/2 hour). I literally feel like I'm falling apart many days.

This is my 5th yr. homeschooling; I use to be an elementary teacher; and I still feel like I don't know how to do this, or at least do it well. I have this vision of what homeschooling is suppose to be, and I feel like such a failure when mine is not like that. I commend you for putting yourself out there and being honest...many of us (including myself at times) want to make it look like we have it all together. It's refreshing to know we are not alone in this struggle. I always feel like every other homeschooler has got it figured out better than me! I question it all the time, whether my kids would be better off having someone else teach them. But at the same time, I can not be at peace with letting them go. Good for you that you are being prayerful about this. He hears you, and I believe He will answer. Keep me in mind if you choose to homeschool. I would be interested in co-op/activity of some sort if I could work it around my baby's schedule (or really lack of schedule at this point!)

Praying for peace, for the both of us:)"


"That is great God lead you to home school again. It is the hardest task I have ever under taken but I know I am making the most of time I have with my kids. To point them to Christ, teach them his commands, and then let then observe how I follow Christ is worth several hair pulling days.

Know that as a homeschooling family you will have years that are not as strong or successful. You had a huge trial in the middle of their school year with your cancer, so it is completely ok your year was weaker than you wanted. We had the same situation this past year because of my pregnancy.

Thankfully God gives us another year to continue the education process."

How amazing are all of these emails?
I think one thing I need to do differently this year is reach out and spend more time with other home school moms. Not just stay in our cozy house all winter and tough it out myself. I need support and my kids need more friends that are home schooled. So I did sign up for Beyond the books at Elmbrook church, so my kids can be in class once a week with other kids and do art and gym and some music and just have fun with others. While they are doing that, I can spend time with other home school moms for 3 hours. I think that will be a blessing to all of us.

It's nice to know that other moms struggle with this too. That most of us don't feel we are  "cut out" to be teachers and moms of our children, but that God gets us through it.

I was reminded a few weeks ago too, at our women's bible study, as we were praying over a children's area, one of the moms said God had been speaking to her about praying for the moms, that the moms of the children would remember that these children are gifts from God, and that they should be our focus when they are small. That God called us to be Mothers of  these precious gifts.
It's easy to lose our focus, and have the children, then think about "me" time, and what I could all be doing if I sent them to school. That is certainly not why God gave us these children.

Our sermon yesterday at church was about "being" the church.  That being a Christian isn't about showing up to church on Sunday mornings, or listening to sermon online, then checking it off your list for the week.
That we are called to be ministers of the gospel. To live as Jesus did, to give of ourselves. As mothers the first people that we should be ministering to is our children! Raising them up in the Lord. Do I love to do other things? Yes. Do I love to spend time with other women, and minister to them, and be ministered by them? Yes of course. Do I love to talk about health and nutrition after having cancer? Yes, and I can do these things, but my kids should be first. I have to keep my focus when my kids are small.

So, I will trust in the Lord to fill me, to give me strength, and knowledge, and lots of patience to home school these babies another year.

I am so thankful for each and every person that took time to pray for us, and send me emails.  God sent lots of blessings my way to help me make a decision.



Thursday, August 4, 2011

Kristian Stanfill - Always (Live)

Song for the day. :)

My foes are many, they rise against me

But I will hold my ground

I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding

My soul will rest in You

I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always, always

Acknowledging HIM for answers.

I wrote about this a few posts back, and asked for prayer. We are still undecided on whether to homeschool agian this year or to send them. If they go, they would start Aug 24th which is coming up pretty quickly. Of course I've been fretting a bit over this and looking for an answer from the Lord as to what we should do. This is our kids lives here and I don't want to mess it up. lol.
This morning I was praying about it, and I was reading in Proverbs and God spoke to me. No I didn't get an answer yet, but I think it's on it's way. :)

Something awesome about this is, I was not reading proverbs latley. I actually do a devotional, read the verses that go with that, then I was reading in Isaiah.  A few days ago Jake had breakfast with our friend and Pastor Jonathan,he is so graciously taking time to disciple Jake, and he suggested to Jake that he read a Proverbs a day. Jake is doing it, and I thought, I think i'll do it too! Thank you Jonathan. God speaks. :)

Here's what I was reading ~

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Lean not on your own understanding.
Leaning has the sense of putting your whole weight on something, resting on and trusting in that person or thing. When we have an important decision to make, we sometimes feel that we can't trust anyone, not even God. But God knows what is best for us. He is a better judge of what we want then even we are!
We must trust him completely in every choice we make. We should not omit careful thinking or belittle our God given ability to reason, but we should not trust in our own ideas to the exclusion of all others. We must not be wise in our own eyes. We should always be willing to listen to and be corrected by Gods workd and wise counselors. Bring your decisions to God in prayer, use the bible as your guide, and then follow God's leading. He will make your paths straight by both guiding and protecting you.

( I remember using this very verse when I was in panic mode a year ago trying to decide if I should do radiation or not. God came through with an answer, so I can trust he will come through again.)  :)

Proverbs 3:6

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.
The commentary below is really good, this is what it said~
To receive God's guidance, said Solomon, we must acknowledge God in ALL our ways. This means turning every area of life over to him. About a thousand years later, Jesus emphasized this same truth. (Matthew 6:33) Look at your values and priorities. What is important to you? In what areas have you not acknowledged him? What is his advice? In many areas of your lifeyou may already acknowledge God, but it is in the areas where you attempt to restrict or ignore his influence that will cause you grief.
Make him a vital part of everything you do, then he will guide you because you will be working to accomplish HIS purposes.
I think that's a super start to getting an answer. After all, these are his kids, that he has given me to raise up.
What does HE want for them?  It doesn't matter what I want or what Kevin wants. It's what God wants for these children.
 I can say pretty easily, I am not good at this homeschooling thing. Cause, well, I'm not! I'm not a disciplined mom to begin with, so I'm really no good putting on a teacher hat. I can also say that selfishly, it would be nice to not have to deal with it. lol. Not to have to deal with fighting with them dailyto get them to do school.  To have time to do other things. But at the same time, I know I would miss them, and wonder, Is this the right choice? How will the influences around them effect them? I can't base this decision on what I think is right for them.
God knows all the answers. I just need to keep praying until the answer comes.
If you would, pray with us.  :)