Watch and see what I will do, I am your Lord!

I thought today might be a good day to get back to writing. I sometimes find it hard to find the time to do this, mostly because I need some peace and quiet to really think, and that's hard in a house with four children! ( I am now hiding out in my room with the door closed with my brother in law's lap top. We'll see how long this lasts)

This past Thursday the 19th, was my one year date since I was told I had cancer. in some ways it's hard to believe that was a year ago, but it also kind of feels like yesterday. Getting the call the day before, saying they wanted us to come in the next day to "talk" about my results. Just thinking about that makes my stomach turn. We knew right then it was something bad because if it were good results they would have told us over the phone.

I spent that night before just sick with "what ifs". I had no idea what I was going to hear the next day. At the appointment I could just tell by that sweet doctors face he had some news I didn't want to hear. Just a week before when he did the fine needle biopsy he said " I'm sure it's just a cyst, it looks like a cyst", when he said they found cancer cells, I think my heart sunk. My first thought was where is it? How much of my body has cancer?? I remember asking the doctor, " Am I going to die?" It gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about those days and weeks that I had ahead of me. I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about what my husband and I went through, appointments and waiting, scans and waiting.... then surgery to find out where it metastasized from, ugh. What a stressful time that was. But I also remember that one day, I just felt peace. God just overcame me with his peace and I was not worried.

I'm feeling very thankful that this June when we make the trip to MN for my follow up at mayo, we can go visit Kevin's brother and his family and have a much more enjoyable time this year.

 

Last year when we went I was going to get an opinion from Dr. Moore at mayo about my cancer, and see what he could do for me. Not knowing if I was going to end up staying there and having surgery or going back home. I was not even 2 weeks out from my first surgery, so I couldn't eat very well. Needless to say, It was a hard time to be visiting with family that we dont' see very often. It was all about me, all about cancer and honestly, not the kind of vacation I wanted to be taking.

I feel blessed that every check up i've had every three months since then, has been a clean check up. Praise God for that.

After writing about my "you have cancer" anniversary date, I really look forward to this being a summer that I can make up for all I missed last year. A summer of seeing Jake's baseball games, taking my kids to the pool and the zoo and being able to eat! Things that in the past I may not have looked at as such a blessing to do. But when you can't do it, and see other people taking care of your kids and doing things that you should be doing, it's really hard, and it makes it all the sweeter when you can do it again, and then you realize what a blessing it was in the first place.

The feeling of unknown was scary then, but God gave me peace. He was there every step of the way guiding me.

I pray that I have many more years that I can look back on May 19th and just feel blessed to be alive. It still amazes me that I can look back on that entire ordeal and thank God for it.

Now when I read my bible, or devotionals that say thank God when you have problems in your life, even when you are going through it, thank him, because he will use it for your good and his glory, it makes much more sense now. Even in the little things, the little problems, we can trust God and thank him because it will make us better people, and in the end, will glorify him.

I was just thinking about how this week Kevin and I have been bickering about things, how we have been going back and forth about certain things, and how my mind has been dwelling on it. I've been beside myself for days about something, yesterday, I prayed and asked God if it's not something he wants, to take the desire away from me.

He didn't exactly take the desire away, today I still felt some of the same feelings as yesterday, but today, I picked up my devotional that I read every day and it just made me smile. The devotional is written like Jesus is talking right to you. In todays he said,

that my thoughts engage in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the results that I desire, which is so true and fitting for today. That is exactly what I have been doing, focusing and dwelling, and trying to control, and bring about results, but he says, "you forget that I am in control of your life, The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to my presence, stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!" Well hallelujah! I knew this! What was I thinking? For days arguing with my husband over something when I should have just prayed about it and let God be God and let him deal with the situation! Duh Amy! But I just love how he speaks to me, exactly when I need it, and exactly what I needed to hear. My mind felt eased. I just smiled at him thinking, "yes! you are in control and I will wait and see what YOU do! You ARE the Lord of my life, you go God!" :) It's just such a good reminder, when we are trying to do things in our own will and in our own strength, it's just so much harder, and most times doesn't work, but you give it to him, focus on him, rest in HIM, and he'll do the work for you. Maybe some day I'll remember that before I go stressing myself all out about something that I can't control. lol. ( and thank you mom and a few others who I asked to pray, today he answered prayers, that faithful God we have!)

It all boils down to knowing who is in control, !! and letting him have it! Trusting him!

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:31

 He loves us and wants what is best for us, and he's taking care of it! He's handling it, he's got our back! Whether it's cancer or a desire of your heart, give it to him, let him take it. Just like Carrie Underwood says, " Jesus take the wheel!"