Jake just left for school. The morning was the same as most, I get up, get coffee made, go wake him up, then come down and start listening to a sermon. He gets dressed, eats, and is ready to go. He comes in by me, says he's leaving, I give him a kiss, say, " I love you, have a good day Jake" and he says, "ok" and walks out the door. This morning I felt sadness. I have done this for years and today I felt sad when he left. I feel like I'm just sending my 12 year old out into the world, I have no idea what he's doing all day, what he's learning, who's talking to him, and I see him again in 9 hours. He comes home, does his homework, and usually has a little time with his friends, and we do a little bible study together and we go to bed. This is how much I see my son during the school year. It's sad to me. For all these years past, that just seemed "normal" to me. That's just "what we do" go to school. The thought of home schooling never occurred to me all those years, I just did what everyone else did and sent my child off to school for the day.
Maybe it's hitting me more now because he's reaching his teen years, time has gone SO fast, and now it's just 2 years of middle school, 4 years of high school and my boy is gone. I feel I am missing out on important years that I have left with my son. I feel I missed out on so many years of getting to know him and being closer to him. I wish the home schooling thing would have been on my heart 10 years ago so I wouldn't have wasted so much of my son's life sending him off to be with someone else all day. As I sit here, teary looking out the window at him at the bus stop, I can't help but wonder, is this really how God wanted it? That we send our children off to be with someone else for 8 hours a day, 10 months out of the year? I missed so much. He's going to be 13 next month, a teenager, and all those years he was gone for all those hours. Thankfully Jake is great kid, he's sweet, kind, has a great sense of humor, he loves his family, has lots of friends, God has blessed him, watched over him, nothing "bad" has come of him being gone, but the relationship that I could have had with him~ it's not what it could have been. Sure, he's only 12, I still have time to get to know him better, to enjoy him while he's still a kid, but now are the years he wants to be at school, wants to be with friends, because that is what I taught him was normal. He'd rather go play with friends then spend time at home. I wasted precious time. It reminds me of how when people see me at the grocery store with 4 kids, and they say, "oh, enjoy them when they are small, time goes so fast" and I always say, "I know." Because I've heard that so many times, and even my dad has said it, but did I really think about it? I enjoy the little ones, and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to home school the little 3, and be a stay at home mom, but some days, do I really cherish the time I have with them? Probably not. But I am going to be more intentional about that because it won't be long and they will be 12 going on 20. I am missing my Jake today. I wish the past was a bit different, wish I would have done things differently with him, but all I can do is love him as much as I can now, let him know how much I love him, and steal as much of his time as I can. I'm pretty sure God gave us these babies to enjoy, to spend time with them, to love them up and keep them home as long as we can. When I would get the "something's not right feeling" when I dropped him off at daycare when he was little, and the "world" would say, it's ok, he'll be fine......or when they'd cry in their cribs and the "world" would say, It's ok, let them cry, it's good for them, or leaving them in a nursery, and they'd cry, and someone would say, it's ok, they'll be fine....or watching my little 5 year old girl getting on a bus last year, and I got that feeling that something is just not "right" with this, she's only a 5 yr old baby girl! but the "world" said, that's what we do...... Maybe all along, that "feeling" I got was not just a motherly feeling, it was God saying, you don't have to do what the world tells you to do......
Maybe it's hitting me more now because he's reaching his teen years, time has gone SO fast, and now it's just 2 years of middle school, 4 years of high school and my boy is gone. I feel I am missing out on important years that I have left with my son. I feel I missed out on so many years of getting to know him and being closer to him. I wish the home schooling thing would have been on my heart 10 years ago so I wouldn't have wasted so much of my son's life sending him off to be with someone else all day. As I sit here, teary looking out the window at him at the bus stop, I can't help but wonder, is this really how God wanted it? That we send our children off to be with someone else for 8 hours a day, 10 months out of the year? I missed so much. He's going to be 13 next month, a teenager, and all those years he was gone for all those hours. Thankfully Jake is great kid, he's sweet, kind, has a great sense of humor, he loves his family, has lots of friends, God has blessed him, watched over him, nothing "bad" has come of him being gone, but the relationship that I could have had with him~ it's not what it could have been. Sure, he's only 12, I still have time to get to know him better, to enjoy him while he's still a kid, but now are the years he wants to be at school, wants to be with friends, because that is what I taught him was normal. He'd rather go play with friends then spend time at home. I wasted precious time. It reminds me of how when people see me at the grocery store with 4 kids, and they say, "oh, enjoy them when they are small, time goes so fast" and I always say, "I know." Because I've heard that so many times, and even my dad has said it, but did I really think about it? I enjoy the little ones, and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to home school the little 3, and be a stay at home mom, but some days, do I really cherish the time I have with them? Probably not. But I am going to be more intentional about that because it won't be long and they will be 12 going on 20. I am missing my Jake today. I wish the past was a bit different, wish I would have done things differently with him, but all I can do is love him as much as I can now, let him know how much I love him, and steal as much of his time as I can. I'm pretty sure God gave us these babies to enjoy, to spend time with them, to love them up and keep them home as long as we can. When I would get the "something's not right feeling" when I dropped him off at daycare when he was little, and the "world" would say, it's ok, he'll be fine......or when they'd cry in their cribs and the "world" would say, It's ok, let them cry, it's good for them, or leaving them in a nursery, and they'd cry, and someone would say, it's ok, they'll be fine....or watching my little 5 year old girl getting on a bus last year, and I got that feeling that something is just not "right" with this, she's only a 5 yr old baby girl! but the "world" said, that's what we do...... Maybe all along, that "feeling" I got was not just a motherly feeling, it was God saying, you don't have to do what the world tells you to do......
1 comment:
Beautifully written, Amy.
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