Made to Cave

Made to cave, crave, That's the bible study I somehow got sucked into. No, I didn't get sucked into it, it's all part of God's plan.  A few of us girls had been doing some bible studies by a sweet godly women named Lysa Terkeurst. We really enjoy her studies. One of my freinds suggested that the next book we do be Made to Crave, I willingly said, "Sure!". What was I thinking?  We put the word out that we were going to be starting this study at MY  house on Monday nights. We got responses from other girls who wanted to join. The first night I think we had 12 ladies here, which is wonderful. More people to study God's word with and grow with, fabulous! Until I started reading the book. lol.  Food has always been a struggle for me. I have forever used food for everything and anything, sadness, happiness, stress, boredom, freedom, joy, the list goes on. Food is definitley a joy and a comfort for me. I've been down this road so many times I can't  even count! I've done studies with other ladies on eating, i've done every diet there is. I've lost weight and gained it back so many times I couldn't tell you!

As most of you know that read my blog, you know I just lost 50 pounds thanks to cancer. That was one benefit of cancer and not being able to swallow for a few months. (Not a weight loss plan i'd recommend!) I got the weight off. Problem is, I still have an eating problem and that weight is going to come back as fast as it went off if I don't do something about it. But I don't want to!  Today, Grace wanted a second peanut butter cup. She was stomping her feet and saying, " I want another peanut butter cup! Get me another peanut butter cup!!" I just looked at her and thought, that is probably what I look like to God, crossing my arms and stomping my feet saying I want what I want when I want it! He's probably laughing at me the way I laughed at Grace thinking how pathetic is she getting so upset over a peice of candy?? Then I think about myself.   I am the same way as Gracie!  Five min later she had gotten herself up on a stool and got herself a granola bar, she brought it to me all proud of herself and said, "look what I got!" I snatched it right out of her hand and said, "No honey, you just had a peanut butter cup, you don't need this, maybe after dinner", then I thought about how I was just reading in the book today that we are to find ourselves an accountability partner, someone that we can call when we want to eat, someone that will gently lead us in the right direction and keep us on track on our eating plan. When I grabbed that granola bar out of her hand I thought, that is what I need, I need someone to come grab the cookies out of my hand when I'm standing there saying, look what I got! I need more then an accountability partner I need the food police at my house! I need someone to move in and snatch things out of my hand when I want to eat them. How sad is that?  There's no getting out of this, and I'm not happy about it. It's right about girl scout cookie delivery time and God is saying, guess what? Your going to start watching what you eat.

The sad thing to me is that, my heart is in the wrong place. I shouldn't be getting my comfort and joy from food. I should be getting it from God. That is what made to Crave is all about, Craving God instead of food. I need some serious prayers in this department people. I thought God had taken care of this problem with the cancer. It scared my pants off.  I remember praying one day in the shower, God please help me get this weight off and to never be a glutton again. Well, he took care of the weight alright! And after getting cancer and going through what I went through, I read books on cancer and nutrition and was doing real good eating good and not having sugar, and basically obsessing about what I and everyone around me ate. But something happened, I'm not sure exactly what. I think it was that I was so worried and being so obsessed, that I decided to give the control to God. That no matter what I eat, I'm going to die when God wants me to die. Period. I went off the deep end the other way. I still beleive im going to die when he wants me to die, but I also think I need to be responsible here and take care of this body of mine. I do think God wants me to enjoy food, and have a cookie here and there, but I think he wants me to have things with moderation and think before I eat, and go to him when i'm sad or bored or stressed or happy.  I am praying about who my accountability partner should be. I have a sweet freind who offered, but I actually don't want to put that responsibility on her. If your reading this, please pray for me. Pray for a changed heart, that food wouldn't be an idol in my life, that only God would take that place in my heart. Pray for the person who is going to be my accountability partner. :)  Maybe if I put this on my blog i'll have MANY accountability partners? I can only imagine what God's plan is with this study.

 I sure do miss this blog. There's been so many things I've been thinking about writing but never get around to it. I must make more of a point to get on here.