Desires

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.~ Philippians 2:13, NLT

This was my bible verse I got today in email. It hits home with me, mostly because God has put so many of HIS desires in my life this past year.
He constantly amazes me at how he changes me, to want things that he wants. Things that I would never imagine myself wanting or doing. He actually makes my heart ache for things that I wouldn't have dreamed of only a short year ago.
It reminds me of the verse, Psalm 37:4- Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I think people use that verse in the wrong way, (myself included in the past) thinking that if you delight in the Lord, that he will give you what YOU want, or the desires that you yourself have. Unless those desires are to please him in some way, you've probably got it wrong, but the funny thing is, when he gives me desires that please him, it in turn is something that pleases me too. Take home schooling for instance, granted this is my first year, and I might grow weary of it, ( I hope not) but this is something I never desired to do, wasn't one of my top 10 things to do before I die, I used to just think, when my kids are all in school, I can have time for me! I can attend bible studies, mom time, exercise, clean the house and not have to worry about kids! But now I think so much differently, he puts that desire in me to home school, opened my eyes to things that I was blind to before, and now I am passionate about it. How amazing is that? On days when I find myself being prideful about homeschooling, and wondering why more Christians don't homeschool, I have to remind myself that it was HIM, not ME, that changed my heart and opened my eyes, it was HIS doing. HE get's the credit, not me. He's the one that get's the glory, not me.
Or before last August I was desiring a bigger house, now I'm wondering if we should downsize and use some of that extra money to help someone else. I hardly think that desire came from me. How could a desire like that come from a selfish, sinful human like myself? I enjoy our house, and our yard and the neighbors, but I think, is this all so important? Do we have excess that we could be sharing? That is God putting his desires into my heart, I love that. He will have me be content, keep me joyful, doing things he wants me to do, and living like he wants me to live. God is so cool. He has given me a heart for others, to want to help other people instead of being selfish and fulfilling my own needs. He has given me a desire to disciple my own children so they can teach their children how to love the Lord with all their hearts, he has helped my marriage by helping me to not think about me and my needs all the time, but my husbands needs and my kids needs. All these thoughts out of one bible verse sent in my email. The phrase that God is love rings true, because all the desires that he puts in my heart are desires to love others, and that makes me a happier nicer person in return!

Cherish time with my kids....

Jake just left for school. The morning was the same as most, I get up, get coffee made, go wake him up, then come down and start listening to a sermon. He gets dressed, eats, and is ready to go. He comes in by me, says he's leaving, I give him a kiss, say, " I love you, have a good day Jake" and he says, "ok" and walks out the door. This morning I felt sadness. I have done this for years and today I felt sad when he left. I feel like I'm just sending my 12 year old out into the world, I have no idea what he's doing all day, what he's learning, who's talking to him, and I see him again in 9 hours. He comes home, does his homework, and usually has a little time with his friends, and we do a little bible study together and we go to bed. This is how much I see my son during the school year. It's sad to me. For all these years past, that just seemed "normal" to me. That's just "what we do" go to school. The thought of home schooling never occurred to me all those years, I just did what everyone else did and sent my child off to school for the day.
Maybe it's hitting me more now because he's reaching his teen years, time has gone SO fast, and now it's just 2 years of middle school, 4 years of high school and my boy is gone. I feel I am missing out on important years that I have left with my son. I feel I missed out on so many years of getting to know him and being closer to him. I wish the home schooling thing would have been on my heart 10 years ago so I wouldn't have wasted so much of my son's life sending him off to be with someone else all day. As I sit here, teary looking out the window at him at the bus stop, I can't help but wonder, is this really how God wanted it? That we send our children off to be with someone else for 8 hours a day, 10 months out of the year? I missed so much. He's going to be 13 next month, a teenager, and all those years he was gone for all those hours. Thankfully Jake is great kid, he's sweet, kind, has a great sense of humor, he loves his family, has lots of friends, God has blessed him, watched over him, nothing "bad" has come of him being gone, but the relationship that I could have had with him~ it's not what it could have been. Sure, he's only 12, I still have time to get to know him better, to enjoy him while he's still a kid, but now are the years he wants to be at school, wants to be with friends, because that is what I taught him was normal. He'd rather go play with friends then spend time at home. I wasted precious time. It reminds me of how when people see me at the grocery store with 4 kids, and they say, "oh, enjoy them when they are small, time goes so fast" and I always say, "I know." Because I've heard that so many times, and even my dad has said it, but did I really think about it? I enjoy the little ones, and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to home school the little 3, and be a stay at home mom, but some days, do I really cherish the time I have with them? Probably not. But I am going to be more intentional about that because it won't be long and they will be 12 going on 20. I am missing my Jake today. I wish the past was a bit different, wish I would have done things differently with him, but all I can do is love him as much as I can now, let him know how much I love him, and steal as much of his time as I can. I'm pretty sure God gave us these babies to enjoy, to spend time with them, to love them up and keep them home as long as we can. When I would get the "something's not right feeling" when I dropped him off at daycare when he was little, and the "world" would say, it's ok, he'll be fine......or when they'd cry in their cribs and the "world" would say, It's ok, let them cry, it's good for them, or leaving them in a nursery, and they'd cry, and someone would say, it's ok, they'll be fine....or watching my little 5 year old girl getting on a bus last year, and I got that feeling that something is just not "right" with this, she's only a 5 yr old baby girl! but the "world" said, that's what we do...... Maybe all along, that "feeling" I got was not just a motherly feeling, it was God saying, you don't have to do what the world tells you to do......

Giving it God

I am sitting here, just feeling numb about the past few weeks. It has been a whirlwind of emotion for Jake and I, God laying it on my heart to home school Jake, trying to talk to his dad about it, trying to let a 12 year old make a huge decision on whether he schools at home or at a public school. WAY to big of a decision for a 12 yr old, but that was my only choice. His biological dad said he was only ok with it if Jake was ok with it. Jake decided to try it out, he said God changed his heart and he thought he should home school. But then the first day of school came and he cried when he saw his two friends get on the bus to go to school. He seemed sad. I cried with him. Sometimes when God asks us to do things, it is not easy or pleasant at first. Monday night I just got on the floor and cried out to God for him to take this because I don't know what to do anymore. A few weeks of trying to explain to Jake why home schooling is good, praying tons about it, what to do, what curriculum to use, seeing my son crying, I just couldn't take it anymore, I handed it over to God, I threw up my arms and said please take this! His dad came over Tuesday and told Jake not to let Kevin and I influence his decision, so Jake decided he wanted to go to school. This morning I watched him get on that bus and sat here and cried. I had a friend that wrote something that I really liked, she said, Jake is taking a detour, and we don't know why it's happening, but God will get him back on track.
I also read a post by my friend Debbie this morning that touched me. She was talking about the different names of Jesus, and asked, "What is breaking your heart today? and have you taken it to your El-Shaddai, your all sufficient God?
She gave names of God, which I knew, but don't use enough, those are Jehovah-jireh: The Lord Will Provide ~ Jehovah-shalom: The Lord Is Peace ~ Jehovah-rapha: The Lord Who Heals, and ~ El-Shaddai: The All-Sufficient One.
I should probably paste these up on my board so I can see them everyday. Even though I sent Jake to school today, I gave this problem to my El-Shaddai on Monday night. God is sovereign and he will take care of what I couldn't take care of by myself. Because of Jake's biological dad, I couldn't just keep Jake at home, But God is able to do what he wants with Jake. HE will take care of Jake. Whether it be bringing him back home some day to school, or helping him not to conform to the world, he is sufficient to take care of this. He loves Jake more then I do, which seems impossible but I know it's true. That post she wrote came at a perfect time this morning. I need to trust God. I did what I could do, and I need to let God do what I can't. I will seek him, pray and let God be God.

Skit guys

I think this is such a neat skit about God changing us once we are believers, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes we resist and don't' want to change, but once we give in, life is SO much sweeter!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42llBU2LHmc&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fblog%2Ebirthblessed%2Ecom%2F&feature=player_embedded#t=137