Surgery Thursday

We are praising God over here. :)  We made it to Minnesota on Sunday night. The drive wasn't too terrible with the kids. They did argue quite a bit, fought over the TV, the Dsi,  and the game boy. We heard "are we there yet?" and "how much longer?" Probably a hundred times. Sunday night sleeping  didn't go to well but last night was better. Kids are enjoying the time with  their cousins. Kevin's brother Glenn and his wife Teresa are graciously accommodating our family of 6 in their beautiful home. Yesterday Kevin and I made the trip to Mayo, it's about an hour and twenty min from here. We were both pretty amazed at how huge the clinic is.We had to wait in a really long line just to register, it was more like check in at the airport then a doctors office! lol. I was kinda getting that scary, " I wanna go home" feeling. Anyway the apt went really well. The two doctors kind of work in a team. One came in first and pretty much recapped everything from my records from the time the lump was found. Seemed like he knew it all from memory already. He then proceeded to freeze my nose and used a camera up my nose and down to see the cancer on the back of my tongue. It's basically right above the vocal cords. I am such a baby I had to hold Kevin's hand for that. lol. So after he was done we watched it on the video screen and he showed us the cancer and where it is.  He then told us what he thought they would do for me, then said he went and got his partner, Dr. Eric Moore who is the head ENT. He is the one on the you tube video I will post. He is also a super personable guy. They really just look you in the eye and talk to you at your level. So we watched the video again, and he went over what the first doc said. They would remove the tumor from the back of my tongue, which he said looks like it is all growing on the outside of my tongue, which is great news, not growing into the muscle, at least from what he can see. He said it's the size of a golf ball, which honestly, I don't know how that is possible, how can I not feel that?? Anyway, they would also do a neck dissection on my lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. Said they'd remove about 40 nodes!! eek. Said, levels 1,2,3, and 4. 

He said if when they go in it is only that one lymph node that is cancerous, then I'm done after surgery! This is what we need to pray for now. That there is no other lymph nodes involved in the cancer. He will still remove 40 of them, but if only once is cancerous then I need no radiation afterwards. If there is more cancer, then I will need radiation, probably 6 weeks of it, after I heal from the surgery. I think he said like 4 weeks later? So please pray that it's only that one node involved!! 

He gave me more positive news, that he doesn't think I will need a trach tube after surgery, that was one of the things my doc in Waukesha said I might need, so that made me tear up. Then he said I may not even need a feeding tube! I was shocked. I said, "really?" with the tears, he said, "maybe, but I think you will be able to swallow". That took some of my fears away. He was positive minded. If I do end up with a feeding tube, Kevin said he thinks he said I'd have it for 10 days till I come back for follow up. (so yes, I have to come back to Rochester for one follow up in 10 days). So all in all, it was a good appointment. Some of my fears were taking away. He said my recovery will be alot like the one I've been going through the past two weeks, only I will be more sore because of the neck surgery too. But a real sore throat for a few weeks again. I will be in the hospital for around 3 days. He said it just like he does in the video, 2.3 days if everything goes well. I guess the drain tube coming from my lymph node surgery determines how soon I can leave the hospital.  He sounded positive about the surgery and said it's 85% cure rate, and after a year goes to 90 something percent! So the plan right now is to find out what time surgery is on Thursday and try to figure out when we will get a hotel close to mayo for Kevin and the kids. My sister and my dad will be making the trip up to help Kevin out with the kids for the 3 or 4 days I'm in the hospital. It's going to be rough having kids in a hotel , but I know between the three of them they will handle the kids.  We have to meet with the anesthesiologist tomorrow, which I am glad about because I had such a bad reaction to the anesthesia last time, hopefully they can do something different this time so I don't get so sick. So that's the plan! We have a free day today, but it is raining, so if the kids and I can talk Kevin into it, maybe we will go to the Mall of America since we are only about 20 min from it here in Chanhassen.   I'm sure we'll make the most of the one free day we have here to enjoy ourselves.  Kevin and I feel so very blessed during this time for our families that are supporting us through this, letting us stay at their house, people driving 5 hours to help us out, staying at our house with our dogs, (and even sleeping with them!) and all the prayers and little texts and face book notes I get from people saying they are praying and thinking of us. God has sure provided us with lots of support and love and it means so much to us during this time.  Our church has been right here with us through this, being our advocate and support system, prayers and hugs and tears and meals, and I hear someone is even cleaning my house when I am gone. God is good. He is doing everything to support us that we could ask for, I can see him everywhere I turn in all the faces of these people who are loving on us right now. Thank you Lord Jesus.

Well this is getting pretty long so I should probably close for now. Praise God for lots of positive news at the apt yesterday. Pray for the surgery to go well without complications, for the doctors to do their job well and God to guide their hands,  for me not to get so sick this time, just for everything to go well, and for there only to be that one lymph node involved!! Pray for Kevin and my sister and dad and the kids, that their time goes fast and it's not too hard at the hotel for them. God is able. He hears your prayers.

Thank you everyone for your love and support and prayers, we can't express how much it means to our family during this stinky time!!

Love you!!

Oh, I almost forgot. Yesterday morning I got a devotional with this verse ~ Psalm 119:67-68

Before I was afflicted I went astray,

but now I obey your word.

You are good, and what you do is good,

teach me your decrees.

I liked that because it teaches that being afflicted sometimes is for good. Of course we don't think so at the time. But God knows that it will grow us and make us more like him. I don't want to go through any of this, but it has already changed Kevin and I so much, taught us so much. God knows what he is doing.

:)

More morning thoughts...

I was just thinking how I was in such a "low" mood the past week, then especially after I got the news about radiation and chemo, then yesterday God brought some hope back in my life with different options of surgery. There has been lots of time of feeling despair, feeling sorry for our family for going through this and what we have to come but last night I was thinking more about how much God has taught us in just this short month.

He has really taught us what the church is supposed to be, and possibly what we weren't doing in our own lives as part of God's church. He has shown love through the people at our church, not just a "I'll pray for you" but genuine concern and love and help. He has taught us the meaning of really helping people and taking on other people's problems when they are in need so in the future when someone is in need we will know what is expected of us, Kevin and I will be different people because of this.

He has also brought Kevin and I closer, and gave me more love and appreciation for my husband. He's given me more love for my kids. I didn't think that was possible, but it is. I love them more then I did before. I hug them more often and longer, tell them I love them more often, look at them differently. Doubts I had about homeschooling are gone, I know that home is where they belong and I am to be their teacher. 

He's showed me how easy it is for us to take the simple gifts he gives us for granted, like swallowing for instance. Something none of us think much about, until we can't do it. We overlook so many blessings each and everyday, now I'm learning to look for all the blessings instead of over looking them.

So if your feeling down for any reason, start looking for all the blessings in your life and enjoy them. Thank God for them because they could be gone tomorrow. 

Well, I have to take Jake to school now, as he has missed the bus so my quiet time is officially over. Have a good day everyone!

God confirms

It's 6am the only time their is peace and quiet and time to think straight in this house! Good time to get some thoughts down.

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day. For some reason I was feeling sick to my stomach a lot yesterday, not sure if it's nerves or too much pain medicine with not enough food, who knows. Hopefully today will be a better day.

I was busy yesterday trying to make appointments at Waukesha memorial for consults with their oncologists, and called Stillwaters cancer support to get an appointment there. Kevin was home trying to get some work done.

Yesterday he seemed real stressed about the idea of going to mayo next week for consults. Trying to decide how we do this, do we take the kids? Leave them here with someone? Drive there and home in the same day? ( 9 hours in the car?)  Or do I go with my friend Mary? Lot's of decisions to make.  Don't get me wrong, Kevin wants the best care for me, and I know he will do anything it takes, no matter where we have to go, he's just overwhelmed, as am I.  

Last night I received a call from my ENT surgeon who took my tonsils out. He informed me that surgery is an option for me also. This was big news to me because that is not what the radiation oncologist told me. she basically said that surgery wasn't an option because in the tongue area it's too invasive, can disfigure your face, etc, etc.  He said, she's very knowledgeable in radiation but doesn't know the latest surgeries available.

What he told me was that he can do something called transoral laser surgery. He said my tumor is small enough to do this surgery. He would also have to do a 2nd surgery on the lymph nodes in my neck to remove them. He says this has the same cure rate as having chemo and radiation.  The recovery for the surgery on the tongue would  be worse then what I am going through now. He said that part of the tongue is what pushes your food down, so I will have real trouble swallowing for a few weeks, so I might need a feeding tube for a few weeks. Sounds scary but does sound better then 7 weeks of chemo and radiation.

I got some hope back last night that there was other options out there for me.

A week ago I would have said I don't want any more surgeries! Because this one has been simply awful to recover from. But after hearing that I need chemo and radiation for 7 weeks, this actually sounded like good news. Strange isn't it? 

The neat this is how God works in this.  I have a sweet friend Mary, who has been through cancer a few times herself, and her husband had it,  and speaking with her last night, I could tell that God has really put it on Mary's heart to get me to mayo clinic. She explained why I need to go there, offered to go there with me, or follow us, whatever we need to get me there next week. It became very obvious to me that God was speaking through Mary, go to mayo.

I was talking to my brother in law through text last night about the entire situation, and told him that the surgeon called and told us that surgery was an option. He said ~ I think you should go to mayo for a 2nd opinion.  That was confirmation number two for me that God wants me to go to mayo.

Last night Kevin and I prayed together. Asking God for direction in this, where he wants us to be, to speak to us directly or through people, but to give us confirmation what we need to do.

This morning I got up and had an email from my Pastor saying he still thinks we need to go to mayo clinic. There's confirmation number three. God you have been heard. We WILL go to mayo clinic next week. Now it's just to figure out details!

I love how he is so involved in our lives like this. I love it when I am actually looking for his answers and know it's him speaking through others. He's got something in the works here and he wants me at mayo for a second opinion. So that's what we will do.

Hopefully we'll figure it all out and have peace about it very soon.

I am still standing on the fact that God is the great physician and he is able to heal this body of mine. Praying for miracles. :)  

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

1 John 5:14-15

Radiation Oncology appt.

I am sorry I have not been on a lot to update. I sure have been in a funk after this surgery. Tomorrow will be a full 7 days since surgery and my throat hasn't healed a bit. At least it doesn't feel like it. I still need the narcotic pain meds to ease my pain, which I HATE.  They make me feel drunk. I don't know how anyone can take this type of medication for fun. 

Today we met with the radiation oncologist at Aurora. I am not sure this is the treatment that I am going to have for sure, we are most likely going to Mayo clinic in Minnesota next Monday for a 2nd opinion.

But as of today, what she said was, in this area, (the tongue) they don't do surgery, because it could cause too much disfiguration to the face, (mayo clinic has a special robotic arm that does tongue surgery) so she said, 7 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.  Radiation is five days a week for the 7 weeks, not sure how much chemo I will have yet.  She said that the radiation, because it's on my neck and face area is going to make my mouth and throat very sore. Said I will get sores in my mouth and it will be hard to swallow. Sounds alot like the last 6 days that I have been living on water and broth, should be great to do that for 7 to 14 weeks.  She informed me I will not be able to drive myself to my appointments  because I will be on narcotics for the pain in my mouth and throat. Just great. My Pastor Tommy was with us at the apt and when she said that I just looked at him. He said don't worry, the church will work it all out.  I just can't imagine needing someone to care for my kids and myself for this long?? Kevin asked, after the 7 weeks is over, will she be fine? She said, no. It takes another 6 to 7 weeks to recover from it all.  

All I could think was, are you kidding me?? How am I going to survive this? My friend Sarah said, "You will know what the term "survivor" really means when you are done". I'm sure she's right. Obviously I have no choice but to do this and kill this cancer! I have to live!  But I am not looking forward to it one bit.

I think I am going through the "why me" , "poor me"  "this sucks" stage.  I just have to get past this.

A little while ago my sister was cleaning off our kitchen counter and I picked up Jake's papers from church on Sunday. His memory verse for the week is ~

1 Corinthians 16:13- Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.

Ironic that I picked that sheet up to read it today? I doubt it.  His other sheet says, " Instead of becoming discouraged we should trust in God and let him give us the courage we need".  THIS is what I need to pray on. Trust in my God. I know he's faithful. I know he loves me, and I know he wouldn't allow this if I couldn't handle it. He lives in me, and I am going to have to use his strength to get me through this!

There's more to Jake's sheet. At the bottom it says this ~

As Romans 8:31 says, " If God is for us, who is against us?" And indeed as 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power!  Stand firm then, take courage, and trust in the Lord. He will give you the strength to be the hero he has called you to be!

It was no coincidence I picked up those papers to read them today, when I'm feeling like I can't go through this God says, here, read this! You can do this. Lord Jesus give me the belief in this, that I CAN do this. That I WILL make it through these coming weeks.   

I'd much rather pray , can you please just heal me? Can you do a miracle on me as you did to Adam at church and just heal this and make it go away so my family and I don't have to go through all this!  I know that's wimpy. I don't want to be wimpy, but in all honesty, that's how I am feeling today. 

I have the support to get me through this, God has given me many wonderful family and friends that are going to get our family through this, and I am just going to have to look for all the small blessings along the way.

How many 39 year old women have daddies that say they will go to china with you if that's what it takes for you to get better? Or husbands that just quit going to work to take care of the family? Or Sisters that come over and clean your house and feed your kids, or stay in the hospital with you when your sick and scared? Or brothers that give you patio furniture to be able to enjoy my beautiful back yard? Or sweet friends that call every single day to see how I am doing and offer anything I need? A pastor that goes with you to oncology appointments to be your advocate? God has blessed me with much. I guess I can dwell on what sucks or dwell on the blessings he pours out daily. I better opt for the blessings.  My sister reminded me today that I need to take this ONE DAY AT A TIME. She's so right. I shouldn't look 14 weeks ahead, but 1 day. Today I will survive and do what I need to do. Today. That's it.

I covet all your prayers. God hears them, and I feel them. Love you all.