The lump

I have decided to blog about my lump in my neck because I know that God has allowed this in my life for a reason, and I want to have note of what God is doing and will do with this in the future.

Without writing every detail that has happened in the last month, the short story is that I started with sinus infections and headaches and somehow ended up with this lump on the side of my neck that is now named Frank thanks to my friend Allie and my bible study girls.

Frank was found on the 13^th of April. I’ve been trying to get him to leave since the day he was noticed.

No one seems to know quite sure what Frank is, or why he’s on my neck. The ENT doc seems to think it’s a lymph node, but why is it enlarged?

The only way to know for sure, is to remove it. The surgery is scheduled for May 17^th.

Until then, I am acting as if it is a swollen lymph node and doing everything I can to get it to go down before the date of surgery so I don’t have to have the surgery.

I am eating a raw food diet of fruits and veggies, taking a lymph cleanse, and an antibiotic.

Of course Frank has caused me anxiety over the last few weeks but I can see God’s fingerprints all over this thing.

My God has a way of pulling me in and close to him when I’m not feeling so close to him.

I am so thankful these days that I know the Lord and have him in my life because if I didn’t I sure would be a wreck right now.

Oh the devil likes to torment me some days and fill my head with worry. He loves it when he can get me to play the game of “what if’s”. I hate to admit, but some days he is successful.

But as a follower of Jesus, I am trying not to have “what if’s” and just think on what is true, lovely and right!

Phillipians 4:8~ ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 But some days it’s hard. Some days I feel overwhelmed with emotion from this entire thing, and the bad thoughts take over. I look at my kids and want to cry thinking about leaving them, about dying. That’s the devil hard at work trying to make me miserable.

God doesn’t want me to worry, he says so in Philippians 4:6-7 ~

 ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And 1 Peter 5:7 ~ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

A verse that has become dear to my heart lately is this one- Isaiah 41:10,13 ~

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
       do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
       I will strengthen you and help you;
       I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

¹³ For I am the LORD, your God,
       who takes hold of your right hand
       and says to you, Do not fear;
       I will help you.

He’s with me, right by my side. He’s my strength, he helps me, he upholds me, he is holding my hand, like a small child walking next to her daddy, he’s there, holding my  hand, I have nothing to fear.

I love that. When I sit and think about it comforts me.

I have been reading this book Lies that young women believe and she said something in there that I have been thinking on lately, it’s this ~

God is more concerned with changing you to be a reflection of Christ then with solving all your problems.

Wow. That’s really profound in my mind.   His goal isn’t to make my life wonderful and pleasant, but to make me more like Jesus. Hmmm.

I think about something that he’s changed with this lump real quick and it’s my eating habits.

I struggle with eating too much and mostly junk.  As the bible would call it, gluttony, or sin. I go up and down with this and it’s pretty frustrating.

I was struggling with it again recently and recall asking God to help me not to be a glutton. Well, he sure took care of that. Lol. Eating a raw diet of fruits and veggies, it’s pretty hard to over eat! Lol.  Thanks God.  Sometimes I have to wonder is that why he allowed Frank to make a home on my neck?  Is he trying to teach me that I need to take care of my body and eat right or I will die?   That I need to be obedient and self controlled with my eating or my body might do something terrible like contract cancer?  Some days I really pray that’s what he’s trying to show me and that I don’t have cancer, but I tend to keep in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe it is cancer. Then what?

I try to keep my focus on him. That he is in control of my life and he already knows what tomorrow is going to bring for me and my family.

That if he allows me to have cancer, he will be taking care of my family during that time and he’s allowing it for a reason and will make some good of it.

Losing my mom at 11, I worry about my kids growing up without their mom like I did. It’s a hard sobering thought. It’s been my biggest fear that the devil likes to taunt me with, even before I had Frank, having cancer has always been a fear of mine.  I  want to be here for my kids, I want to watch them grow up, hopefully be a good enough example that I can lead them to the Lord, I want to be a grandma, me and Autumn talk about me taking her kids to Mcdonalds some day. I really want that, so the thoughts and what if’s can be, well, depressing!

I was reminded one day, I think it was a daily email I got or something but it reminded me that God loves my kids, and he not only loves them, but he loves them more then I do. I can’t imagine someone loving them more then I do, but I believe that’s a true statement. So if he loves them more then me, which is a lot, then he’s going to watch over them. Then even if he took me out of this world, like he did my mom, he will take care of my kids, because really, they are not my kids, they are HIS.

So really then, what is there to worry about? If I focus on God, nothing!