Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6.

I have not been following that verse very well lately, and i need to  confess and repent and start obeying the verse.

Last night It really hit me how much this whole cancer thing has affected me. More then I realized. I have some good days, where I am in a pretty decent mood, and not in too much pain, and I praise God for those days. I praise him when I make it through days with no bleeding, or nothing else strange.

On Sun we took a trip to the Er because it felt like my feeding tube was bunched up in my throat, it was making me cough and gag, so we called my ent and he said go to the hospital and have them xray it and make sure it's still in your stomach. So we did that. It looked OK, so I was frustrated, what is making me cough and gag then? I wanted them to take the feeding tube out, but they wouldn't. I have been drinking water OK, so I thought, It can come out, if they take it out, I can just drink my nutritional shakes.

Well, I came home with the tube still in place, and yesterday it was better, not gagging me, but still causing pain in one certain place. I decided last night I'd try making a protein shake from young living and drink it, I need to be able to drink those and eat apple sauce by Thurs to get this tube out. Well, the shake wasn't going down very good. I felt like I had phlegm in the back of my throat, and the foamy drink wasn't doing any good for that, just made it feel more thick back there, that started giving me anxiety. Probably for two reasons, I was feeling like the back of my throat was closing up because of the thickness, and I was getting discouraged because if I can't drink that, the tube is not going to be coming out. My anxiety just got the best of me. I was texting with my sister at the same time, she was asking if I wanted her to sleep over again, just in case I started bleeding. Here's another example of me not trusting God, but using my sister as a comfort to me, I felt better if she's here sleeping on my couch, just in case I bleed. So talking to her about that, and the not being able to drink the shake, my anxiety just got bad. My chest started feeling tight and closing in, like I couldn't breathe,. I went outside and asked Kevin to come in. I had to take an alprazolam to calm myself down.

I have had anxiety issues since I was about 20. I would have panic attacks like that, and have been on medication for it for years, and it's been under good control with the medicine. But I am still taking the medicine, and it's getting bad. This is how I realized last night how much this cancer and surgery and bleeding has all been affecting me more then I thought.  My sister came over and I asked her, "Why is my anxiety getting so bad?"  She is so good at  talking me through things. She did help me, by saying I've been through a cancer diagnosis, 3 surgeries now, a feeding tube, I need to relearn how to swallow again , I haven't been able to do anything for weeks, have to have people taking care of my kids and my house,  it's a lot of stress. That is all true. I guess I have a lot of reasons to be freaked out, this cancer just took our families life away in the last few months. Even my son Jake said to me, He misses his mom how I used to be. How sad.  So there's lots of reasons to be anxious, but as a follower of Christ, I am forgetting that he does not want me to be anxious. This is a verse that I always think about when I start to worry, but have managed to forget about lately. I need to pray when I feel anxious, not just take a pill and rely on Kevin and Cindy to be here to comfort me.  Philippians 4:8 says that I am supposed to think on things that are true.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I need to focus on things that are true.  My throat was not closing up, I could breathe, I did do better drinking then I did the day before. I was able to swallow some applesauce, not easy, but I did it. Those are things to be thankful for not anxious about. How easy to get my focus in the wrong place, off of God, off of the good, and on to the negative and scary things.

These are the choices we can make as Christians. We can choose what and who we are going to focus on. I need to focus on Jesus, and what is true and praiseworthy.

I am far from a perfect christian, so sometimes I do the opposite of what I am supposed to. Thankfully God showed me last night and this morning that I am putting my trust and focus in the wrong things.

Another verse I came across this morning was this~

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

I need to be strong , to try and drink that protein drink everyday, even if I am scared. I need not be terrified, or discouraged if i can't do it perfect, it will come. My God is with me, and I need to trust him, that he's going to help me through this, and the tube is going to come out exactly when he wants it to come out, I need not to fret about it, but I do need to try! I do need to practice swallowing and not be afraid to keep doing it, until It feels natural again.

I need to remember who I claim to follow, I follow a good God, who is always with me, who will not abandon me, who loves me, who will not give me more than I can handle, and who is allowing this trial in our family for a reason.

Thanks for reading. I needed to get those feelings out. If you want to pray, pray for me to remember who my God is, to trust him, to not be anxious. Pray for my swallowing to get better everyday so the tube can come out on Thurs when we go back to Mayo. Pray for no more bleeding. Pray for me to get back to "normal" for my kids, I am ready to be a mommy again, I miss being a mommy. pray that I don't have to have radiation, as we will also meet with a radiation oncologist this Thurs at mayo. As I said before, my ent who did my surgery said he got all the cancer, and said if this was him, he wouldn't do the radiation, but wants me to know all my options, so  I am praying that the best option for me is to be done now. Thank you for your prayers. love you.