I decided that I was going to make a list of things that I am thankful for right now, or things that are good, instead of bad in my life. I've been really dwelling on what is coming in my life in the next 8 to 10 weeks and I want to refocus here.
I am not taking things one day at a time, I am taking them 10 weeks at a time, thinking of how terrible it's going to be and how I am going to survive more of this crap.
So I started writing a list.
1. Don't have to have chemo. It could be worse then just radiation.
2. It's temporary. This is not going to last forever, although it may seem like it for awhile.
3. I'm home with my kids and get to see them everyday. I won't have to stay in the hospital. I can get radiation close to home, we don't have to go to mayo or pick up and move for 6 weeks to do this.
4. I have Sarah. My friend who has been through cancer to get me through this and give support and take me to get iv bags of vitamins. lol.
5. I get to see my daddy almost every single day.
6. I'm closer to my sister, love her more.
7. I appreciate my husband SO much more then I did before, really see what a wonderful man he is.
8. We have so many people that love us and are willing to help us.
9. We are seeing some of our family that we don't usually see.
10. I have a new adopted mom, who I love to pieces and wish I would have met her years ago. Mary you are so special.
11. I am learning to let the small things go that dont' really matter anyway, and appreciating small things that I took for granted before.
12. I am loving my kids and family more then I EVER have.
13. Kevin and I now know that our kids will survive a night without us if we ever want to have a night to ourselves. (which we never did, I guess we thought our kids would die? lol)
14. I have Jesus. All day , everyday. I am never alone.
15. We have our church family, they are so fabulous, love us so so much, I feel so blessed God led us to Mercy Hill.
16. My dog Henry, is by my side all day long. He's a great companion when I'm not feeling well.
17. I have the best husband in the world who loves me so much. Rubs my back, feet, neck, trys to calm me down and relax me when I am anxious, listens to me whine and complain, holds me when i ask to be held, takes care of our kids and loves them so much, Is there for me anytime I ask him to be, anytime I need him. I can even wake him up in the middle of the night when I am scared and he doesn't get mad at me. He slept in a chair at the hospital for two nights, He sacrifices so much for me, he's selfless.
Love you babe, thank you for everything.
18. Speaking of selfless. My daddy. He comes here 6 days a week, just because. Even if there is already someone here to watch the kids, he comes, For me. He is a comfort to me, just to have him here even if he's just sitting in the chair doing nothing. He cleans my kitchen, he puts up with my crazy kiddos, especially Gracie telling him where to sit and what to do, she's a little bossy, but too cute. He stays with me, just to comfort me and make me feel safe and know I'm not alone. He takes me to appointments, to the grocery store, will be taking me to every radiation treatment 5 days a week for 6 weeks. He just loves me and our family so much, he's the best dad in the world. Dad I love you more then words can say.
19. My sister. Supports me, encourages me, is always, always there for me, even in the middle of the night. She loves my kids to death. She slept on my couch for nights on end, just to give me peace of mind and comfort, she sacrificed her own sleep and comfort for me. I feel thankful for having such a wonderful sister, Cindy I love you so much. and Larry, thank you for sacrificing some of your time with your wife, while she is helping me.
20.God surrounding our family with all these people that love and care for us so much.
21. Kevin's family, for taking time for us, using their vacation and weekends to spend with us and help us out.
22. my kids. For making me smile so many times a day. I love them so so much.
I know there more. When I think of more I Will add to the list. I will need to re-read this when I get in this funk and start thinking about what is to come. God is going to get me through this.
My brother said something yesterday that I really liked. He said, God doesn't make mistakes. He knows what he is doing and what is best for me and my family. I like that. God knows about the cancer. He knows about the radiation, and he doesn't make mistakes. If I have to go through radiation, it's going to suck, but in the end it is going to be good for us. How? I have NO idea, but God knows, and God loves me. and he loves my husband, and my kids, and my dad, and he is allowing what is best for us and will make our lives better in the long run.
That is something I want to keep in my mind. God doesn't make mistakes. He is after all, God. He is also a good and loving God so I have to trust him, that he's is using this for my good. God is still good, still loving, even if I have to go through radiation. He will not leave me or forsake me.
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